please-don't-leave-with-him

My heart aches at the sound of your name and I wonder does yours ache too when you hear mine? Or is my name like everyone else’s to you now? When you hear my name do you feel the same as if you heard a stranger’s name, because the sound of your name alone has so much meaning to me. Does mine even make you think about the way I used to laugh at your jokes, how about the colour of my eyes, do you remember the way I used to sing horribly in your car, do you remember our drive in movie dates, how about the way I always covered my eyes when we watched those horror movies, what about that night we missed that party because we just wanted to lay next to each other the whole night. I remember it all. But I get the feeling you can’t even remember my name anymore.
—  Do you still remember me? It’s been so long erica-s-diary
Fuck missing you
at 3 in the morning.
That’s not what
missing someone
is all about.
I missed you
yesterday at 1:27 pm
after I’d just left school,
right after seeing you.
I missed you
at 2:37 pm
when I was buying
myself food
with my family
and I wondered
how lunches were
in your family.
I missed you
at 5:13 pm
when I was
working out
on my treadmill
and blasting out
I Have Nothing
by Whitney Houston.
I missed you
at 7:45 pm
when I was watching
reruns of Friends
and I pondered over
what you could be doing
at 7 at night.
I missed you
at 10:56 pm
when I should’ve been
in bed already,
but instead
I still waited for you
to text me
and tell me
for the very first time
that you finally
missed me.
But I don’t miss you
at 3 am,
but not because
I don’t love you,
but because I then know
you don’t love me.
And I’m tired
of missing people
who don’t miss me.
—  please start miss me
I find myself looking for you whenever I go out. In every crowd I always try to find you because I was so used to having you there before. I keep waiting for your hand to find my hand or for you to come up behind me and grab my waist. But all I get is more emptiness and loneliness. I keep expecting you to walk out of a crowd and say to me ‘oh there you are!’ I feel like this break up is temporary and it didn’t really happen. This just feels like a little nightmare that will be over by the next morning
—  But why can’t I wake up? erica-s-diary
A friend was once telling me
about how his relationship
had gone from
bad to worse
after months of dating,
and I couldn’t stop myself from
asking him that if it was
such a hassle to be
with that person,
why it was that he didn’t
just end it?
Why let someone
bring you down
when life is too short to
spend it unhappy?
I never understood that.
If something no longer
made me happy,
I was so used to
just letting it go.
I didn’t ever have to give it a
second thought whatsoever.
But he said something that
really got me thinking,
something I still can’t
forget to this day.
He said,
“Just because something is
9,000 calories
doesn’t mean it’s not delicious.”
And then I met you.
With your shaggy, brown hair,
your imperfect skin,
your ridiculous remarks to everything,
your sun-kissed flesh.
You were 9,000 calories
ever step of the way.
You weighed me down.
You made me unhappy
on most occasions.
You made me question
everything in life
and you made me want to
rip my hair out of my scalp
on most days.
But all those good days
were a reminder
of why I even bothered to
stick around through the
bad ones.
It’s because
{ I love you. }
And I can’t seem to
stop myself from wanting you
every time I see your name online
or whenever you walk past me
after science class.
You’re unhealthy and
you’re 9,000 calories,
but dear God, are you
heavenly delicious.
—  you’re worth it

Dear love,

It’s 1:58 right now, and it’s summer and you shouldn’t be on my mind and I should hate you for everything you’ve put me through but I simply just can’t seem to help it.

I can’t seem to help the way I love you or the way I think about you when I’m bored at church or how to get you out of my head when I’m trying to listen to my best friend’s problems.

I can’t seem to forget the way you followed me to fifth period the first day you decided to talk to me or how you wave at me in the middle of journalism almost everyday.

I can’t seem to help the fact that I still have old messages you’ve sent me that make my heart hammer when I reread them or when you first hugged me during football practice.

I can’t forget the way you raise your right eyebrow or how your voice cracked after school when you were walking with me and how hard I laughed.

I can’t forget how you bought me tons of chocolates for Valentine’s Day and how you texted me everyday for two weeks straight even though we had absolutely nothing to talk about most of the time.

But you want to know what else I can’t forget?

I can’t seem to forget how you stopped walking me to my car after school or how you would rush to get to lunch instead of waiting for me as always.

I can’t seem to forget how you stopped texting me everyday even though you were the only fucking person I would ever want to text at 2:05 in the morning when I should be asleep but instead I stare at pictures of you.

I can’t seem to forget how you would walk into fifth period and completely ignore me because you decided I was no longer worth your time.

I can’t forget how you forgot me.

It’s 2:09 right now, and there’s no one I’d rather talk and scream at, that’s not you.

But you already f o r g o t m e.

"You’ve forgotten..
about… us.”

But don’t worry, I’ll forget too.
I promise you, I will.
I’ll try.
Even if I have to die trying, I’ll do it.
There’s nothing else I can do…

It’s 2:12 right now, and I can’t forget you, so I’m bleeding out your name.
Bleeding it out until there’s nothing left inside my veins.
Until your name stops scratching my throat.

It’s 2:14 right now, and there’s nothing left of me. My veins are empty. My throat has stopped itching.

It’s 2:18 right now, and I’m closing my eyes, everything hurts.

It’s 2:22 right now and it’s over. I’ve stopped missing you. Everything has stopped too, actually.

My breathing has stopped.
My fingers have stopped.
My heart has stopped…

2:25 am.

"I’ve forgotten…
about… you.”

—  from, the girl who has forgotten
Even after everything you’ve done to me, I still love you. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
—  I can’t help myself erica-s-diary

To say my day is brightened by your presence would be an understatement. I’m quite literally a new person when you’re around, and after you’ve left I feel this overwhelming sadness until I hear from you again. It’s silly, I know, and I tell myself this on a daily basis, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

When I was about to fall asleep with my head against your chest I listened to your heartbeat and god was it racing. I don’t know what that means but I hope it means your words were true. Because I’m madly in love with you too.
—  Having your arms around me brings me home
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Louis at LAX - 23.11.14

12:43 AM.
12:44 AM.
12:45 AM.
12:46 AM.
12:47 AM.
12:48 AM.
12:49 AM.
12:50 AM.
12:51 AM.
12:52 AM.
12:53 AM.
12:54 AM.
12:55 AM.
12:56 AM.
12:57 AM.
12:58 AM.
12:59 AM.
1:00 AM.
I stared at the clock on the bottom of my laptop for 18 minutes, realizing that every minute that passes is another minute closer to you leaving.
I have had one song on repeat for 18 minutes.
Why am I thinking about this now?
I’m not.
I’ve been thinking about this since you told me about you leaving.
So, I have been realizing this for 788,923 minutes.
I know it might seem a little possessive to do that, to think about that.
But, I am possessive and you should know by now.
It’s just I have to wait 2,103,804 minutes to be with you everyday after you leave minutes.
And I’m sitting here doing the math with no reason, cause I can’t stop the move.
But, I have 262,974 minutes until I have to say goodbye.
I never thought about this 832,752 minutes ago whenever I first said hello.
I never thought about it.
I never thought about saying goodbye.
Goodbye hurts.
It’s a 7 letter word I hate saying.
7 letters of pain.
7 letters of tears.
I wish that word didn’t exist.
I wish it was a curse word.
‘Cause it feels like one.
I like the opposite of that word.
Hello.
Five letters of the unknown.
Five letters that can take into bliss.
Five letters that can make someone fall in love.
I’ve been keeping track.
I been taking count.
It kills me to do that, but I can’t help it.
I can’t help writing this. I can’t help counting how much it’s going to be before that curse word has to be said.
6 months until you leave.
153 days until you leave.
262,974 minutes until you leave.
48 months until I can see you again.
1,460 days until I can see you again.
2,103,840 minutes until I can see you again.
I’m keeping track.
I will continue to keep track.
That’s what you do with people you love.
I love you.
—  I’m so going to miss you, nerd.