I want to be able to shower without thinking of you and then sobbing in the bathtub for two hours.
I want to be able to go on a date and not remember how you’d go on the internet and search up jokes you’d tell me when our conversations would go quiet.
I want to be able to listen to love songs without being trampled with memories of your kisses, your touches or your hugs.
I want to be able to brush my hair in the morning and look in the mirror and believe I’m beautiful without wanting to hear your voice say it instead of mine.
I want to be able to walk on the sidewalk and not hope you’re in one of the cars, staring at me and missing me while I cross the street.
I want to be able to love someone that’s not you.
But for now, I’ll cry in the shower and then come out and pretend nothing ever happened.
I’ll go on dates and smile and flirt and pretend I’m happy because that’s all I’ve wanted to be ever since you left - happy.
I’ll listen to slow blues and think of how you held me while we danced and I’ll cry in my car and sing along to the words even though my throat burns and my sobs ache in my chest.
I’ll tell myself I’m beautiful while I stare in the mirror and hope one day that I’ll believe it without needing you to tell me I am.
I’ll cross the street and I’ll look at all the cars to prove to myself that you’re not staring at me in amazement nor are you dying to text me and mostly, you don’t miss a single memories of ours. You don’t miss me.
I’ll learn to love someone who’s not you.
I promise you, just like you promised me you’d never leave.
But am I going to break my promise too?
3:03 am, my letter to you