This morning I told my coworker I had an appointment with my mental health provider next month cause it was topical and she very judgmentally went, “oh, to get more PILLS” and I am still so fucked up about it, like, I guess I understand being anti-pharma to an extent but I just want the people in my life who care about me to be supportive of me doing preventative care work for my health, for my well being, which is not just something I do for my own self but so that I will be capable of doing my job most effectively during the Christmas rush when the days will be shorter and my depression consequently will be peaking. I did this so I could FUNCTION during WINTER and I made the appointment in SEPTEMBER so I would have an adjustment period and I’m PROUD OF ME

Like good for you that smoking weed 24/7 helps you function but I can’t live like that

Fuck this

you know what makes me real mad is when people shit on self-diagnosis. because when you’re poor you don’t have the luxury of a trained medically licensed psychiatrist to spend hours with you figuring out what’s wrong. if you’re lucky you get like a grad student psychologist in training or a “counselor” with a social work degree or less to talk to you and hand you tissues and give a “recommendation” and then (if you’re less lucky you skip step 1 and go straight to this one) you get 15 minutes with a registered nurse and you’d better already fucking know what’s wrong with you beforehand because they don’t have time to hash it out, so if you can’t communicate your illness and your needs in under 10 minutes you’re gonna get a generic ass SSRI script and some prayers. no one has time to listen to you. you don’t get to talk about trauma or rape or abuse to professionals. they don’t have time and it’s not their fault because they have 20 other people to see that are just like you.

tumblr as a platform for connecting with people who have similar issues to me has been invaluable on my path to recovery. self diagnosis has spared me my life (I don’t always think it’s worth it, but right now I do). access to extensive mental health treatment is a privilege and anyone who has a problem with people who can’t afford “proper” care using social support systems to get the help they need can fall the fuck back.

I realized yesterday when I got super super depressed that I get in a pattern of having a nice time and then when the nice time is over being like I had fun now the fun is gone and I wish I was dead, which, that’s like a chemical thing isn’t it? That is my brain being depleted of good brain chemicals and effectively running on empty. And that’s why I’m supposed to take antidepressants, probably. That’s what those are for. Whoops.

one redeeming quality about me is that no matter how much I don’t like you or what shit things you’ve done to me or people I love, if you hit me up at 10 at night because you’re having a panic attack and need a benzo I will give you one I like literally can’t say no it feels like a duty as someone with (fairly) cheap access to drugs most ppl can’t get and a prescription for more than I need