anonymous said:

"I have a minor eating disorder" *shoves food into mouth* please.

alright, let’s talk about that for a minute.

  1. you’re an asshole
  2. I say it’s a “minor” eating disorder because I don’t want to offend those who have severe eating disorders because mine hasn’t taken over my entire life like theirs has. 
    My eating disorder is called restricting. It typically comes from a traumatic event ex. my rape, and develops from a feeling of worthlessness in which you don’t eat because you don’t think you deserve to feed yourself. Aka I don’t eat because I think i’m not worth keeping alive!!!!! I don’t care about my body and my health enough to just eat regularly like most people do!!!!! I typically don’t eat until 6 hours into my day. I spend the mornings drinking water or apple juice to try to sate my painful hunger and nausea that comes from thinking about eating. Then when I finally do eat, I usually only eat one meal a day and that “meal” i usually junk food - aka I’ll eat one burger or a poutine or a bag of chips. that’s it. Sometimes when I try to override my brain and eat a normal meal, typically 4 bites in my brain starts telling my stomach that I’m beyond full and if I take another bite I will throw up. When I try to force it, because I can still feel the hunger pains, I gag on my food. Physically. I gag, with the food in my mouth, and I end up having to spit it out. I spend most days feeling weak and lightheaded because I don’t get enough sustenance and have resorted to eating empty foods with high sugars just to keep my body running. 
  3. When you see me “shoving food into my mouth” it’s usually my one meal a day and it’s always junk food. Also it helps me to try to normalize my eating behaviours and even find it funny so I don’t have to focus on how damn depressing it is that my brain won’t let me eat enough to stay fucking alive.
  4. Last summer I didn’t eat at all, I lost 15 pounds and on someone who is already 125 and super fucking skinny that’s dangerous as fuck. I have a weak ass immune system and was running on one “meal” every other day and green tea alone. I smoked like a fucking fiend and barely slept. If I had gotten pneumonia, like I do often, I would have had nothing in me to fight it and I could have died. 
  5. I struggle every fucking day with eating and I don’t do it to get attention, I didn’t even know I had an eating disorder until I was talking to my friend (who has a severe ED) one night about how I hadn’t eaten in two days and I wanted to drink a glass of milk to make the hunger pains go away and she told me that was disordery as fuck.
  6. mind your fucking business. 
  7. you don’t know anything about me and if I choose to play around with MY FUCKING BLOG then I fucking will.
  8. also there’s a million types of eating disorders ex. overeating is one you stupid ignorant fuck

i haven’t been kissed or hugged or held in a romantic way in 7 MONTHS!


S E V E N  M O N T H S !!!!!!!!!!

tell me, what do attraction and butterflies even feel like bc i don’t remember anymore. 

~ longer post ~

hey guys, remember when i was always like.. what if i’m gonna cut myself for the rest of my life…. what if i’ll be 35 and still hiding new cuts around my family… well, it’s been 6 months. 183 days since i cut myself the last time. that’s an awful lot. there was a time when i made it to 5 months but i screwed it up. and a month ago i was still wondering if i’m gonna make it through another month? and here i am. couldn’t be prouder. my thighs look almost like every other girl’s thighs right now, almost healed, maybe next year i will go to the beach? if my recovery from anorexia goes well. let me tell you what other things i did for myself these past months:

  • i decided to seek medical treatment again for my anxiety issues and insomnia which took a lot of courage, believe me
  • i’ve been maintaining my weight at a practically non-dangerous level (hey that counts)
  • i’ve been in a relationship with other person. yes. that’s important because it’s been a long time since i’ve let other person be close to me, touch me. i felt good. i felt loved. i’ve let myself be truly loved by someone else and that is what we all should do in a lifetime
  • my depression got smaller. i swear it’s like that little bitch is not even there sometimes. i haven’t been thinking about swallowing all my pills in ages. i don’t hurt myself, in any way. i don’t cry myself to sleep. most of the time i feel the need to get out of bed, to dress up, do my make up, and it feels good. normal. there are, still, nights when i think i wanna die but that’s what recovery is. ups and downs.
  • i made progress with my anxiety (sometimes i shop alone, go to the doc alone, i make phone calls and SOON i will start school again after a gap year i took because of my mental state)
  • i started being pretty close to my mom, after not talking to her for years, i’m trying to forgive her everything she’s done to damage me
  • also i decided i’m pretty cool and cute:-) and i’m trying to be confident as much as i can when i’m outside because honestly people don’t see my insecurities!!! people don’t see my anxiety, they will see them only if i let them. i’ve always felt like it’s written all over my forehead but i am the one to choose what parts of me i wanna show. so, heads up little soldiers, no one thinks you’re ugly or fat or stupid!!! it’s just u telling yourself that but it needs to change!! treat yourself nicely and show people how cool you really are :-*

also i still have tons of stuff to do regarding myself and my health but these are just the little things i wanted to share with you and i hope you’re all feeling wonderful today!!!! kisses muah muah

hey guys I love answering your questions about mental health and sexual assault experiences and it’s amazing you want to talk to me about it but like I get so many each day and sometimes it’s a little triggering. so can we kinda ease up on the days where I’ve said I’m already not doing to well mentally. it’s just really taxing to constantly be thinking about all the shitty things happening and being reminded of my own shitty things…

today i learned that half a Vicodin an hour before an appt is how to keep a Wocky calm and happy instead of a panic monkey

yes, even when needles are involved

or blades near the neck