anonymous asked:

Honorable Duke, do you have any friend who's a perfectionist or know someone who is a perfectionist? If so, could you share a story about it? And how do perfectionists make you feel?

Honestly I’m kind of a perfectionist. I don’t think it’s a bad thing so long as you’re aware of it and realize that ‘perfect’ really isn’t possible and you’re just getting as close as you can. That being said, it’s not a bad thing so long as the pressure is self-imposed and under control. If you’re feeling an unhealthy level of pressure from yourself or other people to be ‘perfect,’ then no, that’s not a good thing.

Here’s a story: When I was in grade school I was one of those annoying kids who tested pretty well, which meant that I didn’t study very much (or at all, for English/history. My information retention is pretty good). So once day my mom came to pick me up from school and I said, “Look, I got a 97% on this test!” And without missing a beat she said, “Well, maybe if you’d studied it would have been 100.” Kind of a callous thing to say to an eight-year-old, but she wasn’t wrong. My parents expected me to do my absolute best and be as close to perfect as possible. I struggled with this in middle school because I was fully aware of how little your grades in middle school actually matter, but as soon as I got to high school I self-policed pretty well and worked my ass off because I knew my high school records would determine where I went to college, and that was important to me. And because I did that, I ended up getting a pretty great scholarship. I did the same thing in college and now I’m headed to a pretty great grad school.

So the moral is, I think working as hard as you can and getting as close to perfect as possible is a great thing to do in areas you care about. I’m never going to do 97% of anything correctly if there’s math involved, and I know that, and I’m okay with it. Pick and choose where and when to be a perfectionist. You can’t do everything perfectly.

I answered an ask about this once before, which is here.

kirinlying asked:

your art is the thing i love most on my dash. draw. draw will hugging a crying parv with self harm scars (blood magic is awfully messy, isnt it)

you’re very sweet friend thank you <3 I will bear this idea in mind for when I next need some angsty Parvill inspiration, for now it’s just a lack of talent problem - perfectionism is a bitch haha

A good place

I’m in such a good place today. I talked to a friend this morning about the things I can’t make a decision about. And then I talked to my uni specialist mentor this afternoon, and ended up having a little cry and talking through an issue that is holding me back- my perfectionism.

But through this conversation she gave me an excellent piece of advice: ‘ask yourself “what do I need right now to feel safe/good?”’ and it’s an excellent piece of advice.

Today I’ve done a few really positive things and feel so much better that I have made them, and feel like now it gives me enthusiasm and purpose about my life; which is just great.

I feel like I’ve earn my happiness today, and I can now go ahead and make plans and get excited :)

So what can you do for yourself right now to feel good and safe?

Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfect, and work perfect, I can avoid or minimize criticism, blame and ridicule, the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame. All perfectionism is, is the 20-ton shield that we carry around hoping that it will keep us from being hurt
—  Brene Brown
Perfectionism: Making Yourself Sick

“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.” – Anne Wilson Schaef

“Perfectionist”. We’ve all heard the word.

But what does being a perfectionist mean?

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Wherever perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun.

Perfectionism is basically a cognitive behavioral process that says if I look perfect, work perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid shame, ridicule, and criticism. It’s a defense mechanism.

—  Brene Brown
At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.
—  Michael Law
Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.


“When I was twenty-one, I had my tonsils removed. I was one of those people who got strep throat every few minutes, and my doctor finally decided that I needed to have my tonsils taken out. For the entire week afterward, swallowing hurt so much that I could barely open my mouth for a straw. I had a prescription for painkillers, though, and when they ran out but the pain hadn’t, I called the nurse and said that she would really need to send another prescription over, and maybe a little mixed grill of drugs because I was also feeling somewhat anxious. But she wouldn’t. I asked to speak to her supervisor. She told me her supervisor was at lunch and that I needed to buy some gum, of all things, and to chew it vigorously—the thought of which made me clutch at my throat. She explained that when we have a wound in our body, the nearby muscles cramp around it to protect it from any more violation and from infection, and that I would need to use these muscles if I wanted them to relax again. So finally my best friend Pammy went out and bought me some gum, and I began to chew it, with great hostility and skepticism. The first bites caused a ripping sensation in the back of my throat, but within minutes all the pain was gone, permanently.

I think that something similar happens with our psychic muscles. They cramp around our wounds—the pain from our childhood, the losses and disappointments of adulthood, the humiliations suffered in both—to keep us from getting hurt in the same place again, to keep foreign substances out. So those wounds never have a chance to heal. Perfectionism is one way our muscles cramp. In some cases we don’t even know that the wounds and the cramping are there, but both limit us. They keep us moving and writing in tight, worried ways. They keep us standing back or backing away from life, keep us from experiencing life in a naked and immediate way.”

— Anne Lamott, “Perfectionism,” Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.
—  Brenee Brown
Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?