p:tc

Imagine

Imagine being on your way home from a school trip and the only seat left is one next to them. It’s midnight and you’re extremely tired. 
"Sleepy?" They whisper and you realise you’d leaned you head against their shoulder. Before you could aplogise they whisper again "It’s fine, I don’t mind at all" 
Drifting in and out of sleep, you feel a hand grip yours and you look to see theirs. Suddenly, you feel a soft pair of lips kiss you gently on your cheek and you drift back asleep.

I'm in love with you and I can't tell anybody

Because they will call me crazy. They will tell me I’m insane for falling into your love. They will tell me I’m weird because you are so much older than me. I am 16 and you are 28. It’s only 11 years but it seems like so many more. They will tell me I’m insane because I love the way you walk. I love the way you talk about math when you get so into it. I love the way you are curious about the way a math problem would work and you try to figure it out until you find the answer. I love your nerdy math jokes. I love the way you talk about bands like they are everything. I love the way you sing to your favorite songs and you don’t care who’s listening. I love your self confidence. I love your intelligence. I love the face you make when you are thinking or concentrating. I love your style and the way you can wear a tie with a dress shirt and dress pants, to wearing a batman t-shirt with Jeans and converse or your Avenger shoes that you love. The way you look when you get a haircut is adorable, but so is when your hair is a little too long and it falls on your forehead. The way when you laugh, your face gets red but no sound comes out. Or when you smile, you also smile with your eyes. The way you can dance really cute and silly but also be incredible at the worm. The way you talk to me about your hobbies and outside life. The way you can talk to me about personal stuff like you’ve known me forever. The way you trust me like you would trust me with your life. I love the way I can talk to you about anything and you will go out of your way to help me through it and give me advice. The way I can trust you like I’ve known you more than just these two years. I love the way we lock eyes in class. Like when I look at you, and you’re already looking at me. Sometimes you look away fast, other times you don’t look away at all. The way I can look into your eyes and realize that you are everything. You are everything and when you look into my eyes, I am probably nothing. I know I am 16 and you are 28. I know I am just in high school. I know you are my teacher. I know you are married and have a kid. Of course I would never do anything to ruin that. I am not a home wrecker. I bet that you are happy with her. And she should be happy too. I bet she is happy that she knows that I can’t have you. I bet she knows that I am completely in love with you. In fact, I think you know it too. I don’t know if you have acknowledged it or if you just haven’t said anything, but I really wish you would. It would make this all a lot easier. I want to tell you about my feelings more than anything, but I know that it would ruin everything. There would be a lot of consequences. You could lose your job or I could be transferred out of your class. I could get ignored by you and that’s the last thing I want. Come on, let’s be honest.. I’m scared of rejection and I can’t handle it from you. I already know that I will get it but I can’t stand you not knowing. I plan to tell you on graduation day but I don’t think I’ll have the nerves. I may not even get as far as asking you for a hug, or saying “I have to tell you something”. I don’t want to get shut out. I know you can’t ignore me now because I am your student, but after graduation day, you don’t have to have anything to do with me and I am scared for that. I’m scared that you won’t want anything to do with me and I am scared that you won’t care. I am scared that you see me as an immature 16 year old. But we both know that I am much more mature for my age. I know I would never be enough for you. I bet you’re wife has it all. She is beautiful and nice. I bet she’s funny too. I bet you have a lot in common and she can make you smile anytime of the day. Sometimes I wish I could be her. I wish I could come home to you at night and watch a movie on Netflix with you. I wish I could crawl up into bed with you and lay my head on your bare chest. I wish I could just sit next to you and talk to you for hours and have all of your attention; have all of your focus on me. I wish when you smile, I’d know it’s for me, but in reality, I know that it’s not. I bet she gets to do all of this, and I won’t even get to have your full attention for even a day. I will never get to hear your sleepy voice or see your messy hair in the morning. I will never get to see you rub your sleepy eyes when you wake up. I will never get any of this from you. It hurts to know that when I look into your eyes, you are everything, and when you look in my eyes I am just another student. It hurts to know that I will never be anything more than that 16 year old girl in 11th grade that sits in the 4th row, in the 4th seat in your Algebra 2 class. That girl that fell in love with her teacher and was too foolish to think that maybe, just maybe, even for a split second, that he felt the same way about her.

Coming of a long phone call with H, this happened

Me: This is great speaking to you like this, H - I’ve really enjoyed it.

H: As have I - I’ll be sure to call you again.

Me: -laughs- I look forward to it!  I need to get done here, so I’ll speak to you soon.

H: B, wait a sec,

Me: Uh, okay?

H: -blows kiss over the phone-  Take care, sweetie.

Me: …  You too -stunned-

I honestly hate how I over think every little thing when it comes to my TC. He could walk by me in the hall without saying anything and I suddenly start thinking in my head “Oh my god, he must be mad at me” or “he knows..that’s why he’s avoiding me.” When it reality the reason he didn’t say something was as simple as he didn’t see me.

Ela é assim! Pronto. Mas assim como? Explica! Ela é assim um mix de tudo que se possa imaginar dentro de uma grande capacidade de apenas não ser nada em definitivo. Ela é aquilo que não consegue se encaixar em moldes pré-existentes, parece que ninguém nunca foi antes dela. Ela se incomoda com isso, às vezes, muito. Ela é cheia de sentimentos, parece que suas experiências se manifestam é no dorso do seu colo, e quase sempre, de vez em quando, tudo isso pesa. Mas não tem modo, não existe maneira que a faça ser diferente. E ainda, graças a Deus, ela é diferente. Algo que pesa e que tem o dom da leveza, algo que chora e que se manifesta em sorrisos, algo de forte, mas que se desmancha quando encontra a água.
—  Clarice Lispector