otp: you're the love of my life

I was going to kill myself on April 12th
April 12th
I don’t know what it was about that date that stood out for me
Maybe it was the odd symmetry of it…4/12/14
Maybe it was the day the semester ended
Maybe it was three months after my birthday
But for whatever reason, it’s the day I chose
I had it all planned out
I’d make a video of apologies
“I’m sorry mom, I’m sorry sister, I’m sorry friend”
I’d tell every soul how sorry I was for all the trouble I’d caused simply existing
I’d say it all over again because last time I wasn’t brave enough to go through with my sacrifice
I’d spew every millimeter of guilt straight out of my tired body and then I’d whip around and devour the little bottle of pills they say will put me to sleep
I’d sleep for a long time

I was going to kill myself on April 12th
It felt right
It felt like it was the day I would finally say “fuck it” to everything and end the struggle that I seemed to go through with every breath I took every song I sang
Every step I ran
I felt chains wrapped around my ribs growing tighter and tighter every time I exhaled and blades cursing my skin with scars that would never see the light of day and stretch marks dawning my hips and my thighs and I felt trapped in the body I’d been given I felt…sad

I was going to kill myself on April 12th
And then you said hello
You told me that you thought I was an awesome person and that life was something that was beautiful that you were proud of me for waking up and breathing every day
That the pills they threw at me were going to help that I was not alone that you’d been through it all too
You’d send me pictures of flowers and sunsets and star clusters and remind me that there is beauty in this universe
You’d let me talk about what was bothering me you’d let me sing to you you’d let me be myself
You didn’t know I was going to kill myself on April 12th
But that didn’t matter to you
Every person’s life was something worth saving to you
I was worth something to you
It came as no surprise to anyone when I found myself falling for you

I was going to kill myself on April 12th
And we got to talking
To enthusing about music about poetry about all the places we’d go
I’d off-handedly joke about running away and you’d respond with “in that moment it would be only us.”
You’d be the sweetest person I was graced to know
You’d make me feel like I was beautiful even when you didn’t want in my pants
You’d send me on flights through the galaxy and I’d see my reflection in a puddle and notice the stardust on my shoulders for the first time
I started to question whether I really wanted to kill myself on April 12th

I was going to kill myself on April 12th
Kill myself
Because my grades had been slipping because my friends had been guilty because my heart had been misplaced once again
Because I knew that the hatred I felt towards my own bones could only be resolved in one way
Because I was tired of the spikes in my shoes digging into the soles of my feet with every pound on the ground
Because I wanted to die
And then I’d get lost in you
I’d wander into those bright blue eyes I’d see on my computer screen and lose my trail and fall asleep by the creek and wake up to the birds chirping your name
I love you I love you I love you

I was going to kill myself on April 12th
And I’d remember
You’d never see me that way
You hadn’t the slightest idea how I felt for you that your romance belonged to another
That I was a friend
To everyone—a friend
Nothing but a friend
A person to stick in their leaderly shoes and whip into pulling their rusty sleigh and scold when I wanted to rest for only a second or two please
I was a fucking friend
I started to remember why I wanted to kill myself on April 12th

I was going to kill myself on April 12th
Attend my own funeral
Watch my father cry as if he didn’t remember all the times he’d shot me down and told me I was no one and told me I was ugly and told me I was worthless
Watch my friends reminisce on the memories we’d shared in the years past
Watch the hurt in his eyes when he finally realized how I really felt for him for so long
Watch them all move on
Watch them all forget
Watch my corpse turn to soil and stardust
Watch myself die

I was going to kill myself on April 12th
I was going to kill myself
I was going to
I was
I—
I’d play along with the game you started listening to each other’s music on shuffle
I’d listen to every cliché punk rock song that is every teenager’s anthem that you’d send me
I’d send you all my overdramatic tragic musical theatre soliloquys
You’d tell me you didn’t hate them
It’d be hard for me to believe you
I’d dodge the question when you asked me why that song was relevant
Why I felt like an invisible girl falling for superman why my eyes felt irrelevant why I felt obsolete
I’d dance around your curiosity but
I was going to kill myself on April 12th
So why the hell not?

I was going to kill myself on April 12th
When you asked me who was the person that had stolen my heart
But this time it didn’t feel like a robbery
When you teased me and begged me to tell you who it was that I wanted so badly that I’d thought would never be mine
That was both unavailable and out of my league
You’d say “Who?”
Pshhh.
“Who’d it be?”
Pshhhhh.
“Come on, Sami, who?”
Pshhhhhh.
“Who…who…me?”
Pshhhhhhhh.
…Yes.

I was going to kill myself on April 12th
And then you told me you felt the same way
That you and your girlfriend at the time were drifting apart that she was pushing you away
That you had thought about it and I was the only person you could see yourself being happy with
That you wanted to tell me you loved me
(Platonically at the time)
But you never could
And yeah, you felt the same way

I was going to kill myself on April 12th?
And then you told me you loved me for the first time
I told you I love you too
Oh god I love you
We’d talk about running away again and in that moment it’d be only us
Our soil, our stardust, our blood pumping in unison
We’d be happy
For the first time in forever
For not only my own festering sadness but yours as well
We’d be happy

I was going to KILL myself on April 12th?!
The distance between us doesn’t mean a thing
The Skype fuck-ups
The faulty internet
The iPhones being real fucking bitches
None it matters when we can take a step back and look at what we do for each other
And look forward to every second we will get to spend in each other’s arms
And we will get to spend time in each other’s arms I promise you
I promise you
I promise you
It gets better
And you know what?
I’m glad I didn’t kill myself on April 12th.

—  April 12th by vrixy. Dedicated to possibly-john-egbert.
4

I haven’t been this worried about a vote since Lambert versus Allen. Kurt needs this election to get into NYADA. More importantly, he’s clearly the superior candidate. I mean… come on. […] Nobody cares, they’re all so lost in their own worlds that they can’t see how important this is to me. Elections have consequences. And the consequences of Brittany winning this election is that I’ll have to move to New York without my best gay. What if I need an emergency makeover or a last-minute souffle?

I want to wake up next to you. Kiss you on the forehead while you’re still asleep. And then surprise you with breakfast in bed. I want to watch Netflix all day with you. Or show you how to ride a longboard. I want to go on adventures with you. Sneak out just to see your face. I want to kiss you goodnight and then hold you to keep you warm. I want to bury my face in your hair and hear your heartbeat. I want to watch your chest rise up and down as you dream peacefully. I want to stay up all night watching superhero movies in a t-shirt and underwear. I want to sit outside under the stars and talk about life. I want to explore all the places we’ve never been to. I want to drive you to all the places that you’ve ever dreamed of cause a 30 hour road trip would feel like 30 seconds with you. I want all the little things with you. I want to talk to you forever and never be without you. I never knew I could be so in love like this.
—  Baby someday. // Hopefully soon.