Okay y’all should know that I am 500% down with our fave gay gay gay series Carmilla and all its gay gay gay ladylovin’ and useless lesbians but I am 500% not down with bisexual erasure and so instead of studying for my physics midterm tomorrow I’d like to talk to you lovely folks about Very Tall Bisexual Danny Lawrence.
Let’s talk about Danny Lawrence, 5’9” even in middle school with her too-long arms and her too-long legs that gangled about in that awkward where-are-my-feet way that makes growth spurts so terrible for teenagers. Let’s talk about the middle school gossip girls who smirked and snorted at the gangly ginger gargoyle always hanging about in the library after school, because she clearly didn’t have a boyfriend. Let’s talk about the shy pimply computer geek sitting in the opposite corner reading Nicholas Sparks books under a fake graphic novel cover because they were girly books and he would get beaten up otherwise, and how he’s quietly terrified of Danny until she comes to sit by him one day and he sees her reading comics in between the pages of The Notebook and they both burst out laughing. Let’s talk about how when they go out on dates they both pay because it’s their parents’ money anyway and who ever cared about a silly thing like patriarchal gender roles.
Let’s talk about Danny Lawrence, 6’2” of muscle and arms by the time she reached high school. Let’s talk about how even though she’s basically perfection incarnate, she was always too big to be “feminine”, too honest to be “mysterious”, and too loudly smart to be “demure”. Let’s talk about how none of the guys she crushed on in high school would take her to prom because she was too tall, and how she took her best gal pal instead and spent prom weekend making out with her because “big” and “unfeminine” do not mean desexualized.
Let’s talk about Danny Lawrence coming to Silas University where she is far from the biggest freak there is, pun intended. Let’s talk about her brief freshman fling with the 6’1” Gayatri across the hall when they both realize they aren’t the only tall girls in school anymore. Let’s talk about the winter formal where she expects to spend half an hour explaining to the Zetas that no, she doesn’t want a threesome, and no, she’s not doing it for attention, and no by Artemis she is not confused but instead spends it watching an argument about whether she’s a “hottie” or a “rival” (hint: she’s both) devolve into a fistfight where Zeke is adamant that if she can be a “hottie rival”, then he, too, can be a “hottie rival”. Let’s talk about how she winds up in a threesome that night anyway, but it’s with Laurent from the Queer Alliance and xir partner Miriam and it’s silly and awkward and filled with Canada jokes because they’re both from the Middle East and think it’s hilarious that of course all the Canadians here are queer.
Let’s talk about Danny Lawrence meeting tiny gay Laura in the English class she’s TAing and oh my god let’s talk about Danny gently taking Kirsch aside after the minor stalking incident and whispering in his ear, “Look, I’m already gonna have to kill a vampire for this girl and I don’t want to have to deal with the corpse of a whiny dudebro too, alright?” and he just looks at her with these big eyes like “I don’t know if I want you or if I want to be you but I also feel like I should protect you?” and she rolls her eyes at him but lets him follow her around as he sorts out his minor existential crisis like a puppy who lost his favorite toy.
Let’s talk about Danny Lawrence who accepts that Broody Gay Carmilla is not going to eat Tiny Gay Laura unless she wants her to, and eventually accepts that Tiny Gay Laura might actually want Carmilla to and that she might be okay with sharing. Let’s talk about Danny Lawrence going to Kirsch’s room the first time Laura’s with Carmilla and this time it’s her turn to be a lost puppy complaining about how her super hot girlfriend is doing the do with the super hot vampire. Let’s talk about Kirsch being like “I don’t know if I want to be you or protect you but I also feel like I should want you and I kind of don’t?” and long story short they wind up holding each other on the floor and talking about asexuality and how everyone they know is queer and attractive so why is compulsory monogamous heterosexuality still a thing and Perry finds out and brings them hot chocolate and LaFontaine and they have a big gay ball in Kirsch’s room and no one explains anything to his Zeta dudebro suitemates who are just really confused and kind of jealous until Perry invites them over — it’s only polite, Susan — and they all wind up cuddling and watching Orphan Black and arguing over whether Paul or Cal is more attractive and a lamp gets broken and when Danny tells Laura about it the next day Carmilla laughs forever because she always knew Silas was gay but she never knew it was this gay.