Summary: Sam Winchester is engaged to the reader, and after months of being on a break from hunting, Sam and the reader decide to pick it up again with Dean. Little did the three of them know that everything was going to spiral downhill because of this hunt…
Song: Just Breathe by Pearl Jam x
Word Count: 8814 (Jesus. This is really long…
Characters: Sam x Reader
Warnings: Angst, a little bit of violence, fluff, hinted smut, but none in the actual fic
A/N: Hello everyone! This is my first fic, and it’s quite the lengthy one. I was inspired by the song “Just Breathe” by Pearl Jam after listening to it so many times. I tend to switch between italicized words and regular font frequently throughout this fic. If the text is italicized, more likely than not, it is a flashback. It’ll be obvious if it isn’t a flashback, I’m sure. I hope you guys enjoy this! I had a lot of fun writing it, and I plan to write more in the future!
Edit: Welp. I’m experiencing problems with the code. I will fix that shortly.
Your name: submit What is this?
“No, no, no, no, NO!” the younger of the Winchesters howled in distress as the elder drove his
blade into the last of the monsters around them. Everything was just a total mess. You weren’t exactly sure what was happening, but every movement your eyes could see was blurring, and the sounds of slurred speech rattled in your ears as the world around you began fading into darkness. Your consciousness was rapidly slipping with every passing second that you were sprawled on the stone-cold ground.
You felt the familiar arms of a man cradling you as you grunted and whimpered from wounds that littered your skin. Little did the three of you know that there were also three monsters, which was an unusual phenomenon for the type of creature that you were hunting. In fact, the creature even being present in America was a phenomenon itself.
“Stay with me, Y/N … I’m not letting you die! Not today!”
“Sam, I…” Your voice was cracking and weakening as you winced and cried out at the searing pain. Waterfalls of blood were gushing out of the fresh wounds on your neck and stomach. It managed to bite you in numerous places and rip out at your abdomen and face with its elongated claws. “I… I’m not gonna…” Tears streamed down your blood-soaked face, blending the liquids together like messy finger paintings across your skin.
“Don’t you dare think about that!” Sam knew exactly where you were getting at, and he didn’t like that. “Everything’s going to be okay. You’re going to be fine. You always come out okay. Always…” He was trying his best to reassure you that you were going to get out of this alive as he squeezed your hand, pressing his free hand against your exposed chest in an attempt to stop the bleeding. He was waiting impatiently for Dean to come around with the Impala so that they could get you the medical help that you desperately needed. Moving you any further than he had would worsen the bleeding and would cause you a lot of discomfort, so he just tried his best to apply pressure where he could and to keep you calm.
“Just stay with me… Please…”
The flames violently engulfed the mummified body laying before the Winchesters’ somber eyes as the silence of the night persisted throughout the sudden funeral; your funeral. The younger of the two Winchesters never laid his dejected eyes off of your deceased body, despite it being wrapped up and smoldering away to ash. It stabbed his aching heart to know that you had just been alive a couple of hours ago. Tears had stricken the broken man, words never finding its way past his lips. He felt that he had so much to say, both to you and about the situation that he so strongly felt that he could’ve prevented, but couldn’t bring his shattered self up to let it out. Sam was still in total distress that you, the love of his life, was now gone, and all his clouded mind could think about was how much he wanted to hold your fragile hand one last time. To bring you into a tight embrace, and never let you go. To tell you how much he loved you, because he felt that he never said it enough. You were everything to him, and now that you were gone from the land of the living, he was left feeling empty, as if a part of him was forcefully taken away.
Eventually, the flames died down, yet Sam never shifted from his spot in front of what remained of you. Ever fiber of his being could not accept that he could not stop your demise from occurring, waves of remorse crashing down on him. The overwhelming amount of guilt and regret were filling the void that you left behind.
Dean had left Sam alone at some point while they were standing there to allow his younger brother some time to himself and to say his final goodbyes to you. He was the one that insisted that you were given a hunter’s funeral so that Sam wouldn’t have the urge to attempt anything stupid. It was what you would have wanted, after all. You were a strong believer of the dead staying dead.
“Sammy…” Dean finally spoke up when he returned, his voice gruff, clear that he was repenting for his younger brother. “You’ve been standing here for two hours… It’s over… She’s gone…” He regretfully brought up this truth, knowing that Sam would lash out at him, as he had many times in situations like this where he believed it to be his fault.
Sam lowered his head, his orbs dull from every living emotion being sapped away from him. There was nothing to say. There was no response to his brother that he could muster up. Not without breaking down again.
Slightly surprised that Sam didn’t respond, Dean decided to press further. “Come on… You gotta move on, baby brother… Y/N wouldn’t want you to linger on this for too long… She’d want you to move on, Sam. Standing here, dwelling on how you could’ve prevented this ain’t gonna change what happened.”
Sam was too caught up on sweet memories that tugged him away from the world around him. He felt himself tearing up again as he longed for the memories that you shared with him to become reality again…
“Are you sure we ditched him?” you hesitantly questioned Sam with your curious eyes locked on his as he hungrily pressed his lips against yours, which, you leaned into longingly. It was hard being in a secret relationship for the past month. You had been traveling with the Winchesters for years, and only now were you and Sam on the same page about your mutual feelings for one another. The only reason that the relationship remained undercover was to shy away from the awkward conversations accompanied with teasing that you and Sam both knew that Dean would immediately hop on the moment he found out.
“We’re in a library. I’m pretty damn sure,” he whispered into your ear as he gently held you closer to his chest. You were supposed to be researching for a case, but Sam took the opportunity to spend some intimate time with you. The two of you hardly ever had any intimacy, and it was noticeably frustrating. The most that you could do was hold hands under the tables of restaurants when around Dean.
Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh…
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh…
Since you traveled with the Winchesters 24/7, it was hard for you to find time alone with Sam while making it seem like the relationship did not exist. You both knew that as hunters, a relationship would be high maintenance, and that it could pose as a weakness in certain situations, but you both overcame that. You knew that someday, both you and Sam would no longer walk this earth. If a possible chance for a relationship with the man that you really, truly loved was readily available, you had to take it.
You did not regret a thing.
Eventually, Dean found out. One night, he realized that he forgot his wallet while in the middle of the road towards a bar and drove back to fetch it, witnessing you and Sam kissing the moment he entered the room. It was a very embarrassing scene to walk into for the three of you, but Dean insisted that he found the whole “undercover” thing silly and absurd that you both thought that he would react a certain way. In fact, it was the complete opposite of what you had originally thought. He was really proud that Sam finally found someone that he could love, and someone that he could trust other than himself. The elder brother just wanted Sam to be happy, and if you made him happy, that was enough to keep Dean going.
You and Sam laughed it off as Dean hurriedly made his way out again, both finding it silly that you went undercover for that kind of reaction from his brother. After that day, the two of you weren’t hesitant to display your relationship openly in ways such as: holding hands in public, sitting in Sam’s lap, cuddling while waiting outside for Dean, stealing kisses with every opportunity you could, and your personal favorite, piggyback rides.
Sam was back at the bunker now, in your room; the room that the two of you would share every single night. As he laid down on the bed, he caught traces of your scent all around him, which caused his heart to painfully sink even more. As his eyes scanned the room silently, they immediately focused onto the dress that was strung on the wall. It was one of your favorite dresses, and it was the dress that he proposed to you in…
You awoke in your comfortable bed alone, the coldness surrounding your body. Sam’s arms were not protectively wrapped around you, as they usually were. You glanced to your right for the time. 1:00 AM was brightly lit on the digital clock on your nightstand. Slightly worried, you shot up and glanced around your room in a desperate attempt to find your man. Everything seemed perfectly normal until your eyes laid upon the dress that was sprawled out at the edge of the bed. You almost caused it to slip and fall onto the ground from all of your feverish movements under the covers. Wondering why it was on your bed, you crawled out of the warmness of the blanket and pulled the fabric towards you, noticing the note that was laid on top of it with your name written in big, bold letters. You unfolded the paper and read what was written to you:
“Hey, when you wake up, eat something, get dressed, and meet me in the garage. It’s gonna be a long drive -Sam”
You did what the note told you to do and met Sam inside the bunker’s garage. “Hey, you!” you called out with a grin as you approached him with excitement. You weren’t exactly one for makeup, so the only thing that you really fixed was your luscious hair that he loved so much. “How long have you been waiting there for me?”
“Since midnight. I didn’t think that you would wake up so soon.” The Winchester knew that you were a heavy sleeper after a case, so he truly wasn’t expecting you up at this time.
“And if I didn’t wake up at one in the morning, you still would’ve waited for me?”
“Of course I would’ve.”
“Idiot. You need sleep too, you know.” You crossed your arms since neither of you ever got enough sleep. “But, was there any particular reason why you wanted me to wear this dress? Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.” He was leaning against the Impala with a wide smile running across his face, fixated on how beautiful and stunning you looked before him. Sam was dressed up in one of his best suits out of the selective few that he owned for cases, a bright, red tie popping out from the rest of his attire. His hair was slicked back just the way he knew you liked it. Sam was definitely hiding something, but you weren’t quite sure what.
“Dean even let you use his baby? What did you have to do to convince him to let you do that? It’s hard enough to even convince him to let you drive her.”
“My reasons for our outing were enough,” he answered vaguely as you seated yourself in shotgun, which was a seat that was never openly yours. Usually, Sam sat there; it was his rightful place, after all. You always sat in the back on the driver’s side so that you could gaze at your boyfriend, every feature of his memorized from staring at him so much. You couldn’t help it. He was a gorgeous man. Sometimes, after a pit stop, when you were lonely in the backseat, you’d squeeze your way between the two of them up front and scoot closer to Sam, his long, protective arm wrapped around you. There were other instances where he would sit with you, though, to cuddle and to just simply be beside you when roadtrips were gruesomely long. When Dean wasn’t looking, you’d sneak a couple of kisses and bury yourself into his chest to express your affection.
Once the engine roared to life, you slipped your hand in his as the scenery of the bunker changed to the beautiful outdoors that lay ahead of you.
It was, indeed, a long drive. A little over a day, to be exact, and because of that, you dozed off a couple of times. Sam, however, remained awake and drove tirelessly into the day and into the night, determination to get you to this spot clearly motivating him even more. You were still completely oblivious as to where you were headed until you recognized your surroundings: California.
Did this man really drive you all the way to California?
“Okay, Sam. Seriously. Where are we going? Where are you taking me?”
As you grew closer and closer to the destination, your heart began to flutter and was making assumptions as to where the Winchester was taking you. You watched the highway signs carefully for hours, noting San Francisco appearing on them now. You had a feeling that was where you were headed, especially after you passed the toll gate and crossed the massive Bay Bridge.
“We drove from Lebanon, Kansas, to San Francisco, California.” You had a weak spot for the city. There was just something about San Francisco that drew you in. You weren’t quite sure what, but it was definitely a beauty at night with all the city lights, and especially with the bridges as they posed breathtakingly on either side of the ocean-surrounded city.
Sam’s lips curved, but he remained silent. Clearly, there was something being left out.
“I… get that you’re taking me to a city that I really, really love, but… Why?” It was sort of random and out of the blue for your own taste. Usually, whenever Sam wanted to take you out on a date, it would be local, or at least an hour or two away. If he made you dress up, though, there was definitely a purpose behind it.
Sam didn’t answer and parked the car by the shoreline. A little disappointed at the lack of response from him, you stepped outside with him and gazed at the sight in front of you. The Golden Gate Bridge was just as stunning as you remembered it being, with the city behind it and the ocean surrounding it. Sam wrapped his arms around you as he led you to the beach. You were concerned about the man because he drove the whole way, only stopping to use the restroom, for gasoline, or for food. His lack of sleep was worrying to you, but your curiosity was hindering that concern for him.
Oh I’m a lucky man, to count on both hands
the ones I love…
Only now, with the beauty of the area around you did you notice how handsome your boyfriend was on the dimly lit beach. Your racing mind was calmed down by the push and pull of the tides rolling onto the shore. It was relaxing to hear how calm the ocean was tonight. You were so caught up in the moment that you didn’t even realize Sam holding both of your hands. “Y/N… I didn’t just bring you here for sightseeing and fun and games. There’s more to it than that.” He gave you a soft smile. God, how his smile made you weak to the knees. “I know how much you love this city, and how beautiful you thought it was at night.” As he was talking to you, you could sense a bit of nervousness in his voice. “I agree that San Francisco is a beautiful city, especially at night with all the lights and with the sounds of the ocean…” He brought you closer to him. “But its beauty will never surpass yours in any way.”
You blushed, holding a confused, yet innocent look on your face. You weren’t sure where any of this was coming from.
“From the day that I met you, I knew that there was something about you that was different from all the other girls that I’ve ever dated.” His eyes never stopped gazing into yours. “We’ve been together for five years now, and I’ve gotta say that there has never been a moment in time where I doubted that our love for each other was real and everlasting. You have proven to me in so many ways that you are the one for me, and…” You felt your mouth gape open as he dropped down to one knee, “I… I can’t picture myself with anyone else but you, Y/N. You are my other half. You complete me. You know how to make me laugh, smile, and make me feel better when the world just seems to be crashing down on us.” He slowly pulled out a box from his pants pocket, opening it to reveal a ring. “You are the woman of my dreams, Y/N. I know that being hunters, a relationship, and even marriage is the last thing on our minds, but I feel that there is something more here than just love. I am nothing without you, Y/N. Will you… Will you marry me?”
Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they got none, huh-uh
You felt tears stream down your face as you blushed a violent red, your hands covering your face in disbelief. “Sam… I…” You were at a loss for words, but eventually you gave him a nod.
Sam’s face lit up like a child’s face on Christmas at your response and held your hand, slipping the ring on with a toothy grin. He pulled you into a passionate kiss as he held you close to him, the sun rising in the horizon.
The younger Winchester couldn’t help but sob uncontrollably while laying in your bed as the memories never stopped bombarding his mind. This was all too much for him to handle… You being gone was something that was premature, and wasn’t supposed to happen for a long, long time. The scenes of the night before, and your brutal death replayed in his mind over and over, like a broken record playing the same, depressing tune. He knew that dwelling and thinking of all the possible ways he could’ve saved you wasn’t gonna change a damn thing, but he continued to believe that it was all his fault…
It was pouring rain the night before you were taken away from Sam. You had been diligently researching to figure out this case and how to deal with it appropriately. It was unlike any monster you had ever seen, the reason being that it was a creature that was native to Japan. But what was an okami doing here, in the United States…?
“I still think that this is a terrible idea. We shouldn’t do this…” Sam muttered to you as he grasped your hand tightly while accompanying you in the bunker’s library. The Winchester had a point; the okami was after women that was of your ethnicity and had your hair color. “I can’t afford to lose you, Y/N…”
You leaned into him and pecked him on the cheek with reassurance. “Hey. Nothing’s gonna happen to me. Everything’s gonna be okay. I’ll be okay.” You always came out okay after a hunt, maybe a few bruises and cuts here and there. There was nothing to worry about.
After finishing your research for the night, certain that the monster that the three of you were after was an okami, you laid comfortably on your bed, snuggled up to Sam under the covers. He protectively wrapped his arms around your waist as you pressed your back against his torso. The two of you were alone in the bunker because Dean insisted that he would go out and get the bamboo daggers blessed by a shinto priest alone. The three of you hated monsters that had a specific vulnerability since getting the materials necessary was often a pain in the ass. You had a feeling that Dean wanted to do this alone because he wanted to give the both of you some privacy. Often times, the two of you never got enough of it to go around, even with the short break that you took from hunting after he proposed to you. The engagement was a few months ago and thinking about it still brought butterflies to your stomach. It would be a moment that would be forever etched into your brain. Sam was such a romantic at times.
Your eyes rested upon the engagement ring that stuck out proudly on your ring finger. As a hunter, you normally weren’t one for jewelry because it often hindered you in some way or another, but the ring was an asset that would never, ever leave your finger. It was extremely valuable and important to you, even if it wasn’t the most expensive ring out there. You hated spending a ridiculous amount of money on jewelry in the first place. Sure, the ring represented your love for the Winchester that currently had you comfortably in his embrace, but it was nothing compared to the compassion he showed to you on a daily basis. He was right the night he proposed to you, after all; you were nothing without Sam. You were his other half, and him, yours. When you were still mindlessly dating, the times when you were split apart because of a hunt were always the most painful because you weren’t sure when you were going to see each other again. If you were going to see each other again. A hunter’s life-span is completely unpredictable; you could be alive one day, and be dead by a careless mistake while on a hunt the next, which was why you cherished every moment together. The most intimate of moments where you cuddled together and were all over each other were often the best after a difficult hunt. Your overall chemistry with the man was perfect in every possible way. You were a perfect team that practically knew what the other person was thinking while out on the job. It was a connection that was even stronger than with his brother at times, and they’ve been hunting together way longer than you and Sam have.
You traced your fingers gently across the arm against your chest as the rain persisted throughout the night. “Sam?” you questioned him calmly as you nuzzled affectionately into him.
You felt his humming against your back and you chuckled at how it tickled you. “I’m happy that you found me all those years ago…” You gave a soft sigh as you shut your eyes in total exhaustion. “I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t shown up like you and Dean did…”
Sam remembered the night that he met you vividly almost nine years ago; the day after the brothers had to say goodbye to their father because he made a deal with Azazel to revive Dean. It was a normal drive across the borders for the Winchesters when they noticed you all covered in blood, trudging along the side of the road. You had gotten into a pretty severe car accident that totaled your car and you barely managed to get out of it alive. Dean decided to stop because you looked like you needed help, the younger of the two concurring. When they asked you if you wanted a ride to the hospital, you kept a strong-will and told them stubbornly that you were going to be okay, and that you would be fit enough to make your way on your own, but thanked them for the offer.
They weren’t convinced and they decided to take you anyways, regardless of what you said or tried to do to get away from them. They had to. You would’ve passed out from the blood loss if they hadn’t.
While laying in your hospital bed, Sam would never leave your side and he made sure that you would make a full recovery before moving on with his brother. You didn’t even know the man, yet he was very kind and sweet to you. You talked a lot with him, since he was your only visitor, and you got to know him fairly well. The fact that you were both hunters slipped when the doctors pointed out the battle scars engraved on your skin. Sam wasn’t looking when they were making a physical examination, but he heard them making comments, and he curiously asked you about them with those puppy dog eyes of his. You couldn’t refuse and you couldn’t lie, so you told him the truth, hoping that he wouldn’t think that you were completely crazy. Often times, you enjoyed being blunt about situations, just to see how people reacted.
It sort of went on from there, and about a week and a half later, you were released from the hospital. Because you car was totaled, and you didn’t have enough money nor the time to really fix it back up and get it running again, the Winchesters offered to take you with them. They normally didn’t have other hunters travel with them, but Dean took notice of the interest that his younger brother seemed to have in you, especially since he spent a lot of time with you in the hospital. Plus, you proved to be a knowledgeable hunter to them, and a decent fighter. Surely, a third intelligent person wouldn’t hinder the group down.
You never did. You always proved yourself to be extremely useful to the Winchesters; you knew so much more than they did about lore, and you were an amazing researcher. That was also how you spent your time with Sam half the time. You would be researching with him about a current or upcoming case, and you spent a lot of time buried in books or on the computer in a library with him. Your knowledge, talent, and personality drew Sam closer and closer to you until eventually, he spilled and admitted that he liked you.
The look on your face when he confessed was something that Sam would never forget. He loved how innocent you looked, and how cute you could be around him, but in bed, you were the complete opposite: aggressive and loving it rough.
Sam sighed as the tears stopped flowing, placing a hand on his head as he sprawled his body across the entirety of the bed. “I knew that we shouldn’t have gone with the case…” he whispered painfully, his voice low as he shut his stinging eyes. He hoped to escape all the thoughts that were in his mind through his dreams.
The Impala drove up to the apartment complex where the okami was said to be preying on its victims in their sleep. You volunteered to fake sleep in one of the rooms to draw it out, convincing the Winchesters that it was the only way to get it to reveal itself without getting anyone else hurt. You fit the description perfectly, so you were the only one of the three that would attract it.
You entered an empty room, heading straight for the bedroom nearest to the entrance. Sam was trailing after you, not willing to leave your side the entire time. It was apparent that he was uneasy about the case in its entirety. “I really don’t like where this is going… You could get hurt, Y/N.”
“Sam. This isn’t the first time that I’ve been used as bait before,” you reasoned, throwing the covers over yourself as you snuggled up against the pillow. “I’m going to be okay.”
Sam shook his head and stared into your eyes, the look on his face pensive and concerned. “This is different now that we’re engaged.”
“How is this any different from when we were dating?” you argued.
“I can’t afford to lose you, because if I do, I’ll be nothing. I am nothing without you.” There was desperation in his voice, and his eyes were filled with crystal clear fear of possibly losing you tonight.
Your eyes tightened in response to that, but you played it off with a warm smile that you knew would reassure Sam of everything. “Well, then I’m lucky that I have two expert hunters ready to protect me from this thing, right?” You curled inside the covers more as your eyes scanned the Winchester in front of you.
Sam rustled your hair affectionately and leaned down to peck you on the forehead when you shot up and leaned into his lips, engulfing yours around them. He breathed heavily when he unwillingly pulled away, his arms wrapped around your waist. “It’s not too late to back out of this, Y/N. Are you sure you’re gonna be okay?”
“Yes, Sam. I’ve said it a million times. Now go, before we lose our opportunity to kill this thing.”
The younger of the Winchesters brought you into a tight embrace, pressing you against him as you reciprocated the hug with your petite arms in comparison to his. You nuzzled into the abs that you’ve traced so many times with your fingers, inhaling his scent as you always did when he held you. Reluctantly, Sam released you and scurried off to the closet across the room where he would stake out with his brother for the okami’s appearance.
You waited patiently after what seemed like hours as you laid calmly in the bed with the sheets over your body, gripping the blade in your hand tightly in preparation. The only sense that you depended on was your hearing as you continued to wait. Any sudden movements would get you up and out of bed upon instinct. Your mind wouldn’t stop racing, however. You were quite the over-thinker, and often times, you thought about the possible outcomes of a case whenever you were on one.
What if this didn’t work?
That was all your mind would think about. Maybe the monster targeted someone else in the building already, and you were far too late. However, you refused to believe that. Everything was going according to plan, and you didn’t want another innocent person in this building to die. You had to kill this monster; it’s an obligation as a hunter to try your very best to save those around you from the unknown creatures that everyone was oblivious to. You couldn’t afford to fail this after saving so many lives in the past.
You flinched and snapped your eyes wide open when an unfamiliar hand managed to grip your arm, flinging you across the room as if you were a rag doll being abused by an unknowing child. When your back collided with the wall, you let out a pained scream, your blade immediately slipping from your grasp upon impact. You cringed as you struggled to stand up after the forceful blow, which was brief as you felt yourself being lifted off your feet by your neck. Gritting your teeth, and slightly gasping for breath, you got a good look of the monster that managed to pin you against the wall, glaring into its piercing eyes. Okami were known for their superhuman strength and their agility, and this was definitely a no-joking matter. “SAM! DEAN!” you called out in distress, glancing over in their direction, wondering where the hell they were. They were supposed to be protecting you, and this was far from protection.
That’s when you realized that they were dealing with their own okami as well. Since when did they hunt in packs? You didn’t remember that being part of the lore at all. God, how you hated exceptions to the rule…
You thrashed violently against its grip with the newfound knowledge in an attempt to try to break free as it proceeded to pierce its razor-sharp teeth into your neck and tore at your stomach and face with its elongated claws. It wasn’t planning on feeding on you anymore at all. No. Because you provoked it with the blade that was in your hand, it wanted to kill you. You let out a shriek that you have never belted out in your life, trying to get the creature off of you, but it was failing terribly. It was too strong for you. There was no way you were getting out of this on your own. “SAM!” your voice cracked as you called out desperately, panic clear in your tear-filled eyes.
Once Sam managed to slay the okami that he was dealing with originally, his long legs pushed forward to sprint to you, his little damsel in distress. The moment that his hazel orbs landed on your figure, noting the grievous wounds and blood pouring heavily out of them, his eyes tightened and his face contorted in rage. The Winchester ripped the okami off of you and proceeded to drive his knife into it, ending its pitiful life.
The last thing you remembered was collapsing onto the ground, the world around you hazing into the darkness that seeped through the corners of your eyes. You felt like you were becoming engulfed by the shadows around you as you bled out.
Moments later, you felt Sam shaking you desperately to wake you up. You were no longer in the apartment room, however. You felt a cool breeze whip past you, which surely meant that you were outside. Thankfully, at this time of night, there weren’t many people roaming the streets, but it was still unsettling to Sam that he had to bring you out in the open while Dean went to get the Impala. Why the hell did Dean park so far away in the first place?
“Y/N, please… Please don’t do this to me…” Once you began to shift in his arms, you felt them loosening their grip on you, pressure being applied to your wounds where it could as you continued to lull between consciousness and unconsciousness. You felt extremely weak and dizzy from all the blood loss, and surely, things weren’t going to get any better if you didn’t get the help that you you desperately needed. “Stay with me, Y/N… I’m not letting you die! Not today!”
“Sam, I… I’m… not gonna make it…” you rasped as you laid your weary head against his chest. You felt his shaky fingers run through your hair.
“Don’t you dare think about that!” Sam knew exactly where you were getting at, and he didn’t like that at all. “Everything’s going to be okay. You’re going to be fine. You always come out okay. Always…”
Stay with me..
Let’s just breathe.
“It’s… It’s over for me…”
“No! No it’s not!”
“Sam… look at me…” Your voice was shattered and your breathing was staggered both from the pain and from the tears that refused to cease falling from your face. “I’ve… I’ve been… bitten… It… dug deep into me… I’m… losing too much… blood…”
“Dammit, Y/N! Stop… Just stop…” Sam’s wrecked voice from the emotions he was feeling was upsetting to you. His bottom lip was quivering as the tears streamed down his broken face. “I.. I don’t think it’s bite is infectious… This isn’t like a werewolf or a vamp… You’re going to be okay, Y/N… Just… Just hang on…” His attempts at soothing you were becoming his desperate pleas of sorrow. He wanted to believe that what he was saying was true, and that you were going to make it out, but deep down, he knew, that this was different from any other accident. You were losing too much blood. You were growing weaker and weaker by the minute. Sam refused to accept your end, and it was heartbreaking watching him helplessly witnessing you painfully slip away from him.
You feebly shook your head as you gently lifted your frail arm to rest a bloody hand on his arm, just as you had the previous night while laying in bed with him. “The… the nearest hospital… hour… away… N-not… gonna…” You felt your consciousness start to slip again as you tried your hardest to speak. It was over, and you knew it.
“I… I can’t live without you… Please don’t leave me… Please don’t do this…” he begged as he cradled you closer to him, unwilling to let you go. “Please… Stay with me… Y/N, please…”
Your face darkened as you breathed out heavily. “I… I love you…” you choked out one last time, sobbing harder than you have ever sobbed in the past.
The headlights of the Impala flashed down the street as Sam hurriedly brought you in, Dean stepping on the gas to get you to the hospital.
Practiced all my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
You had slipped into the darkness that enveloped you as the nurses rushed you to the ER in a desperate attempt to save you. They allowed Sam into the room while they operated on you, trying to bring you back. The pulse was faint, but there was still hope.
Sam was seated by the door as the doctors and the nurses did their thing, his face in his blood-soaked hands. He wasn’t sure whether to feel angry, sad, or upset about the situation that was laid out before him. The pain that was jabbing at his heart was worse than when he had to witness Jessica burn on the ceiling because of Azazel. It was as if his mind combined all of the hurt that he ever felt and shoved it back into him for him to feel. The enormous amounts of guilt and depression was overwhelming for the Winchester.
Yeah, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
to make me bleed.
As he was constantly reminded by the doctors and the nurses that your chances of surviving your coma was slim, Sam stubbornly refused to accept it. They managed to disinfect and patch up all of your wounds, and they managed to keep your heartbeat steady, but they all knew that it wasn’t going to be long. The rest was up to you on whether or not you would survive this.
“This is your fight, Y/N…” Sam whispered as he gripped your hand tightly, pulling up his chair to sit beside you.
Stay with me…
You’re all I see.
“We shouldn’t have went through with this plan… I knew that this was a bad idea… Yet… I didn’t stop you…” He felt tears begin to brim his eyes again. “I don’t want you to die, Y/N. I don’t want to believe what the doctors say… I know you’re stronger than this… You can get through this… You always get through this…”
The only thing that was keeping Sam company was the steady rhythm of the heart monitor, its pulse neither slow nor fast. It was steady, like the rhythm of a ballad.
“We… We could have a life together… We don’t have to continue hunting… You don’t ever have to experience this ever again… I can’t bear myself to see you like this ever again… We could raise a family together… Raise our children right… Protect them from the things in the dark…” His fingers slipped through your silky hair, which was a gesture that always seemed to calm you down. He wasn’t sure why he was rambling, but he couldn’t stop. “We talked about this, remember…?” He brushed his thumb across your knuckles. “You were always enthusiastic to talk about kids…” He sniffled as he lowered his head, his breathing staggered.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see…
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
“I need you here with me, Y/N… I can’t afford to lose another person that I love… I can’t…” He was shaking as he held your hand, noting the slowing of the pulse on the monitor. “You are everything to me… Without you… Without you… I don’t think I can live… You’re the reason I get up every morning… You’re the reason I haven’t given up… You… You helped me find love when I thought I could never love again…”
He cringed as he heard the monitor flat-line, his eyes dilating in panic as he shouted for the doctors and the nurses.
After many attempts to try to bring you back, they called it. You were gone… and that was the last of it…
I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw-huh…
As the weeks passed by, Sam was struggling to stay sane. He attached your engagement ring to a string and strung it around his neck to keep it with him at all times. The Winchester was never going to forget about you, and he probably was never going to be able to move on. Everything around him reminded him too much about you.. He had to remove everything that was yours from his room and place it into an empty storage room in the bunker, where he would sift through and organize later.
While he was sorting through the belongings one day, he found a journal that you kept. He recalled that you would constantly take pictures and that when the opportunity hit, you would print them out at a local store that could do that for you. It was what you did whenever you weren’t on a hunt. You were the documenting type, and you documented a lot of your life in that journal very journal.
Sam curiously flipped through it, only reading bits and pieces. His main focus was on the photos that were pasted on each page, paragraph after paragraph following the picture. There was so much to look at, and many of the pictures were just the two of you. Each one was different in some way or another, Sam noticing his hair’s length growing throughout the years. The main thing that stuck out for him was the broad smiles that were always on your faces. How he missed your smile so much… It practically lit up the world around him, and the way that your lips curved would always be engraved into his mind.
His eyes skimmed to a picture of his silhouette in front of the Golden Gate Bridge. He remembered you taking this photo distinctly. It was right after he had proposed to you, and the sun was rising in the horizon. It was a beautiful shot that you managed to capture, which was one of the reasons why Sam admired your photography skills; you always seemed to get the best pictures at the right moments. Curious to know what was written below, Sam read it to himself:
“Today was the day that I got proposed to Sam Winchester. I never thought that I’d stick to a guy for five years. Especially after all that we’ve been through together. I gotta say that being in a relationship with this guy has been the smoothest I’ve ever sailed. We never really got into fights, but there were some instances where he would make reckless decisions that put his life on the line. It always worried me, especially after he went to Hell for a year and came back without a soul. I never lost hope, though. Ever since I met Sam, I knew that he was the one for me, and when he proposed early this morning, I knew I had to say yes. Who else would I say yes to? There is no one that can top his love for me. Actually, he isn’t just a boyfriend, well, fiance now, or a lover. He’s my best friend, and he will always remain my best friend, no matter what.”
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, aw-huh…
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave…
Sam continued to flip through your journal, smiling at the pictures and the shots that you managed to take, until he stopped at the last page you wrote in. The date was marked the night before the hunt that shattered his life into pieces.
“Tomorrow’s gonna be the first hunt that we’ve tackled in a long, long time. I don’t exactly know how to feel about it. I probably got a little rusty since the last time I tussled with a monster of any sort. It’s been too long. I sure hope that everything’s going to be okay.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this, and I know that Sammy does too. But we’re hunters. We gotta save people, and we have to hunt those sons of bitches down. Otherwise, who will? It’s a big responsibility that leaves me wondering if it’s worth it in the end.
My love for Sam is undying. If something were to happen to me tomorrow, I don’t know what I would do. I don’t know what he would do. Although, I’m sure that he would freak. Honestly, if one of us were to die on a hunt, we would be left shattered and broken for the rest of our lives. There is no other person that I would ever want to be around other than Sam, and I’m positive that he feels the same way. I just hope that things don’t go sour…”
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see…
No one knows this more than me.
And I come clean, ah-ah…
Just to be sure that there was nothing left, Sam flipped through the empty pages until he stumbled upon more writing. There was a single picture of you; a self portrait that you took a couple days before your death.
“I knew that you would flip to the end of the journal once you found it. At least, I assume it’s you, Sam, since you’re the only one who would know where my journal is, or that it even exists.
If you’re reading this, it probably means that I’m dead. Or something like that.
Well, if that’s the case, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. But no matter how many times I say sorry, though, I know deep down that you’re probably gonna be blaming yourself for all this.
No, Sam. Never blame yourself for anything. Ever. My death was not your fault. Nothing is ever your fault, so don’t even think about it. Okay?
With that aside, I want you know how much I love you. Every morning when I woke up and felt your arms around me, I always felt so safe and so… cared for. You showed me what true love was, and the night that you proposed to me, I couldn’t have been happier. You make me so happy, Sam. You are my other half that I’ve been searching for all my life.
I know that this is off topic, but I’m writing this while it’s pouring cats and dogs outside with you all cuddled up in bed without me. I slipped out to write this. God, you’re so adorable when you’re asleep.
Tomorrow we’re hunting down that okami down. I hope that everything goes well, and that nothing bad happens. If… it does, then I hope it’s me, not you. You still have your brother. You can move on without me. You’ve done it before, and you can definitely do it again. Just… Try not to think about me too much, okay? You gotta move on with your life. You can’t stay stuck in the past forever. Let me go, Sam. Try to be happy for the rest of your life. You don’t have to find another girl to replace me, but if you can, do it. In the end, you should be able to say that you lived a happy life.
Promise me that much. Please?
I will always love you. Every single day of my life.
Yes, I quoted Queen. Go ahead. Say it. I’m lame.
But really, I mean it. I love you. I always will. You’ve changed me, Sam, in ways that I can’t express on paper, and I hope that I don’t end up dying… I do want to start a family with you. I do want children. I do want to live normal.
I want to be yours forever.”
Nothing you would take…
Everything you gave…
Months continued to roll by like minutes on a clock, ticking away as time moved on. It had almost been a year since you passed, and Sam was taking it relatively better than before. You still haunted his memories, though, and he longed for your presence every night. He missed you beyond repair. He, too, began keeping a journal after your death to record his emotions along with his daily thoughts about you. He wrote one thing that he loved about you every day for the past few months, and the list never stopped. There were the simple things, and the more detailed things in his writing, but he kept you close to his heart. It still pained him to think about that night that you were killed, but it was becoming more and more bearable as time passed on.
“It’s been almost a year since you’ve been gone, Y/N. There’s not a day where you haven’t been on my mind.. Man, how have things just become a mess since you’ve left… I got possessed by an angel, the angels got locked out of Heaven, Kevin died, and Dean became a demon. I have no idea where he is right now… But I need to find him. It’s times like these where I wished that you were here by my side. Everything’s just going downhill, and I have to do things by myself. There are some things that I did that you would not be very happy about, but I had to…
I gotta go find my brother. Cure him if I can. I miss you so much, and I love you, Y/N.
We’ll see each other again someday. I promise.”
Hold me till I die…
Meet you on the other side.