OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) - Neil Hilborn

The first time I saw her…
Everything in my head went quiet.
All the tics, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared.
When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don’t really get quiet moments.
Even in bed, I’m thinking:
Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.
Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.

But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips..
Or the eyelash on her cheek.
the eyelash on her cheek.
the eyelash on her cheek.
I knew I had to talk to her.
I asked her out six times in thirty seconds.
She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right, so I had to keep going.
On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating it,
or fucking talking to her…
But she loved it.

She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times or if it was Wednesday.
She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk.
When we moved in together, she said she felt safe,
like no one would ever rob us because I definitely locked the door eighteen times.
I’d always watch her mouth when she talked.
When she talked.
When she talked.
When she talked.
When she talked.

When she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges.
At night, she’d lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off..
And on, and off,
and on, and off,
and on, and off,
and on, and off,
and on, and off,
and on, and off,
and on, and off,
and on, and off,
and on, and off,
and on, and off,
and on, and off.

She’d close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were passing in front of her.
Some mornings I’d start kissing her goodbye but she’d just leave cause I was
just making her late for work…
When I stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking…
When she said she loved me her mouth was a straight line.
She told me that I was taking up too much of her time.
Last week she started sleeping at her mother’s place.
She told me that she shouldn’t have let me get so attached to her; that this whole thing was a mistake, but…
How can it be a mistake that I don’t have to wash my hands after I touched her?

Love is not a mistake, and it’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can’t.
I can’t – I can’t go out and find someone new because I always think of her.
Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin.
I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars…
And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on.
I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel..
How she turns shower knobs like she’s opening a safe.
How she blows out candles.
Blows out candles.
Blows out candles.
Blows out candles.
Blows out candles.
Blows out…

Now, I just think about who else is kissing her.
I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once — he doesn’t care if it’s perfect!
I want her back so bad…

I leave the door unlocked.
I leave the lights on.

“I’m so OCD about this stuff.”
“Everyone’s a little OCD!”
No.
No.
People who have obsessive compulsive disorder have OCD. Not you because you’re a “neat freak” or you like all the placemats to be straight on the table. You don’t have OCD because you like the radio volume to be at 20 instead of 19.

Stop invalidating the massive struggle people with OCD actually have to deal with. It’s a life-impeding disorder that can hinder any or every aspect of someone’s daily life. It can make work or school or relationships difficult.

It’s a disorder. It’s not being nit-picky.

People focus way too much on compulsions and what people DOES when it comes to OCD. What they don't see and get, is the anxiety. How one can go around every single day and every single hour, worrying about how someone might die today. Or tomorrow. The sudden fear that runs through the body like a blizzard, making the blood freeze in one's vains when something goes wrong. OCD is like constantly having a gun pointed at your's and your loved ones' heads. Compulsions are just ways to cope with it. The stupid things the person with the gun tells us to do. That's what makes OCD so horrible

“We live in the Age of Awkward. It’s hip to be square, cool to be uncool, and sexy to be nerdy (and above all, quirky). And there’s no better way to assert your individuality and weirdness than branding yourself "so OCD” about something. Except that OCD isn’t a quirk or a set of tendencies or a BuzzFeed list; it’s an incapacitating, isolating disease that makes you afraid of your own mind. Here’s what it’s really like to have OCD.

Please don't mess with people with mental issues...

[I’m trying to explain to my dad that messing with someone with mental issues is not right.] So here’s the story.. My dad and my mom were on a cruise last week and my dad noticed this guy in the bathroom. He kept on washing and rewashing his hands over and over which is a sign of OCD as most of you may know. The next time my dad saw him was in the food line at the buffet. My dad noticed that he was trying to stay clear of touching people and touching anything really. So he thought it would be “funny” to touch him on purpose by grazing him… over.. and over.. and over again… Which in response made him physically and mentally uncomfortable and he would jerk away trying to get away from him but my dad continued because he thought it was “funny”…. I’m trying to explain to him that even stuff as harmless as you think it might be can push someone over the edge, causing them to have a panic attack or even killing themselves. He just keeps on shirking it off saying it’s funny… and I’m trying to convince him that it’s not cool to mess with someone with mental issues. Please reblog if you agree with me. If this gets enough notes maybe that will convince him that he was wrong for doing that.

Important PSA
  • When people think it is cute to call themselves OCD as though it is an adjective meaning they are quirky and like things their way, it is very insulting to people who actually have OCD. OCD is absolutely terrible. OCD can ruin childhoods and relationships. It isn’t cute to get horrible thoughts, such as the mental image of you hurting your parents or best friends, stuck in your head and feeling forced to pick at your skin, pull your hair or eyelashes out, confess your every thought, wash your hands until they are raw, or any other compulsion to keep those thoughts at bay. If you find yourself laughing and saying you are "so OCD" about something, just remember that there are actual people dealing with OCD who might be offended by people thinking it is a cute illness to have.
  • TL;DR version:If you think it is cute to say you have OCD, you don't have any idea what having OCD is like.
OCD is not beautiful

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not glamorous. It rips through your skin and sends a shock from your eyes to the tips of your toes when you have to perform a simple task over and over and over and over again. It is a punch to your stomach and feeling your happiness leak out of you. It throbs in your gut and makes you want to throw up and disappear. It’s when you have to stay in the kitchen for an hour and a half, even though you’re exhausted and want to go to bed but you can’t until you shut the light switch off until it feels right.
It makes me sick that people over glamorize OCD. There is nothing cute or quirky or funny about it. It is the reason I can never be comfortable or happy. It takes hours of my day away from me.
You’re not OCD for wanting your room clean. You’re not OCD for liking your books organized a certain way. You’re not OCD for wanting your hair to look perfect. You’re not OCD, and I can’t begin to explain how lucky you are.
OCD is a demon that nests in your brain. OCD is tragic and horrifying and ugly. OCD is not beautiful. And neither are you for pretending you are cursed with it.

Reasons why you should never joke about OCD

I know I’m not the only one getting sick of hearing people saying
“Oh no, the lines are not equal. It triggers my OCD”

Especially when you know that said person doesn’t suffer from it.
I don’t want to judge people and of course anyone who actually suffers from OCD should say when something triggers it. But don’t brag about it.

Anyway.. I’ve never heard anyone who is actually diagnosed calling it out loudly.

But now I’m doing it. That’s what the internet is for, I guess.

My OCD can turn my days into hell. Some days I can get through without  feeling unstable and/or insecure. But most days I experience anxiety, panic and judging eyes from other people.

  • I do snap my finger when I can’t control my thoughts.
  • I do re-arrange chairs when I’m feeling like the world is spinning.
  • I do open and close doors until I feel like the room is clear.
  • I do get shivers when people even mention they haven’t washed their hands.
  • I do wash my hands to distract myself when I feel like I’m losing control of my mind.

I don’t give a shit wether lines are equal or not. Or.. In fact I do, but it has nothing to do with my OCD, it’s just because I like professionalism and that things look great.

My point is:
Don’t use OCD as an excuse for anything if you aren’t actually living through the OCD-hell that some people are dealing with.

I don’t even have any followers, lol, I just had to write this because I’m mad at people today.

To my mother and sister;

Being a perfectionist does not mean you have OCD.

If you knew what it felt like, 

I would no longer be called your “OCD child”

You would no longer poke fun at my panic.

Compulsive

Obsessive

       Obsessive

               Obsessive

I cannot control this, and there is no “off switch”. It’s a real disorder.

I’m not being picky. I’m trying to calm something that tears my mind apart.

So please, have sympathy with me.

I know you don’t understand it.

But it can hurt more than you would think.