not-poetry

You are a pressure cooker. As soon as you start to feel a sliver of emotion, you put the lid on it and you don’t deal with anything. I understand that’s your coping mechanism, and it’s working for you, but you need to understand that in the long run it isn’t going to be beneficial to you. One day someone is going to come along that you can feel comfortable enough with to tear down your walls. I know things are bad now— you’ve been in crisis mode since I’ve met you— but every time you start to think those bad thoughts like ‘I am so overwhelmed that I can’t function’ or ‘this is all hopeless’ just remember to add a 'for now’ at the end. You say that everyone seems to think you’re emotionless— I think that’s a lie. I also think you feel everything as deeply, if not more, than everyone else— you just keep it all bottled up because no one has ever given you the chance to be vulnerable. You spend your time taking care of everyone else, and you don’t give up on people— I don’t think you’d be able to live with yourself knowing you left someone alone. When are you going to start taking that unconditional love you have towards others and start to reciprocate that towards yourself? You hold yourself to an unrealistically high standard, way more than you do any other being on this planet. Just know that it’s okay to say 'today I am human— and I am going to be angry or sad or annoyingly giddy for no reason’

always remember that it’s okay to be human

—  Alexis H., things my therapist told me that are just now starting to make sense

I just want to kiss your forehead when you least expect it. I want to hold your hand and cuddle you all day. Then I want to settle down in bed at night and tell you everything you want to know about me. Finally I want to have you fall asleep in my arms after a soft, sweet goodnight kiss. That’s all I want for as long as I’m able to have you be mine.

I don’t sleep in anymore

No longer do I lay in bed exhausted from nightmares
Up, showered, breakfasted and out before everyone else

Somethings changed
And I fucking love it

I’m more selfish and less needy
More active and less anxious
I want to fuck at least 20% of people in every room I enter

I’m eating less
The only hunger I feel comes not from my stomach

I like myself more when I’m sober
I like myself more when I’m naked

I’m alert at all times
I talk less but better

I have perverted thoughts frequently
I don’t crave to be wanted anymore

I just crave

I care less

I always want more

—  .p.k – Evening confessions … [04/10/14]

my mama thinks im a monster & i think she’s right
i saw the devil in the mirror last night
     but if you think i’m pretty, well
     the world can
                    fucking burn

you, me and the distance

Our relationship does not solely consist
of you and me, for years it has been
you, me and the wretched distance between us,
I’ve grown to love you more
in your absence,
and for no reason at all
I have also grown to hate you,
it’s the fault of distance,
not yours
not mine,
I often want to punch you in the face
declaring MK-style fights
in the wee hours of the night,
I hate you,
and the distance makes me
depraved and pathetic,
commanding you to never speak to me again
in an effort to make you contact me more,
tell me how your day’s been,
because I feel like I no longer know you,
it’s the distance, blame it on him
when I’m a demanding asshole,
a selfish wretch
blame it on him,
not me,
not you.

I’m done romanticizing these miles,
there is no poetry latent in these dire days
the blessed plane rides we cannot afford,
I’m too broke and depleted,
for romance, the distance
has sucked me dry of my wherewithal
but not my love,
and if it ever does,
the blame wouldn’t be
on the distance.

You know, there are things
I want to be able to write. 

Like falling in love.
Like dying and breathing.
Like knowing what it would have been like
if I had never met you.

And how different I would be,
for being okay, for standing upright
as a girl, for knowing how to breathe
without remembering you have tasted me.

And I can’t.

And this is a shitty poem
that is the closest I will ever come
to writing about you.

Because it will never not have happened,
and I will keep on keeping on.

i'm a hard core..

lover.

bonafide
strong
a nurturer
giver
but i can’t continue loving if it’s not reciprocated
and not that tit-for-tat kind of love
you know the
“i’ll do this much for you because you do that much for me” kind of love
love me because you desire to.
because you want to share you and your world with me.
deeply
immensely.
with every facet of your being.
you want it to be so well known
and understood
it’s embedded in
my skin my memory and my soul.

..a love that intense could never be questioned.

i think one of the most beautiful things in the world is having someone write about you. To impact them in a way that makes them take your essences and put it into stumbling sentences just leaves me at a loss for words. Its beautiful the kind of impression you leave on someone. I want to do that to someone, and i want someone to leave that kind of impression on me. But the problem is, can i ever impact someone in that way?

Life Updates

Okay, I haven’t given y'all an update on my life recently so here’s a long post that I’m going to bang out while watching Bob’s Burgers and trying to think of an idea for a poem.

1. I got a 2180 on my SAT, 130 points higher than my first test. Thanks to everyone who gave me words of encouragement before the test and expressed their faith in me after. Junior year has been really stressful, and I couldn’t do it without y'all.
2. I’ve been writing a lot more than I’ve been posting lately. As most of you know, I’m trying to put a book together, but I’m being really nitpicky about the poems I want to put in it, so it’s a slow process. I think I’ve perfected about 10-12 poems for it. Updates on that to come.
3. I really love talking to you guys. I’ve had a few great conversations with some of you recently and I really appreciate your life updates. Tell me about your lives!! Send me your writing. I wanna be your friend.
4. I’m going to a speech competition in Tallahassee next week and I’m really excited about it. I also have Shakespeare competition next weekend, and Spanish competition in a few weeks. Life is busy.

I think that’s all for now. I love you guys