i doubt this will ever be seen… but i’m gonna try to put it all out there. taylorswift today i learned some really unsettling stuff about my family and childhood. basically, there was way more abuse between my dad and my mom than i realized and i blocked a lot of my early childhood from my memory, i remember less than i’m supposed to because it was so bad. thank god i don’t remember though, because i don’t want to remember if it was that bad… judging by what i do remember, it’d have to be REALLY bad.
anyway… this whole thing has got me thinking about the people and things that mean a lot to me. your music has helped me a lot to vocalize things about the abuse i’ve experienced… i remember the first time i heard dear john and felt like you ripped a page from the diary of my life… i thought of my dad. an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry, never impressed by me acing his tests. that line will always mean more to me than i can explain. it’s the essence of abuse actually… it’s really amazing that at 19 you were able to write it down in such a coherent way and release it into the world with your name on it, calling your abuser out by name in a really clever way where you could (and did) deny the name thing to protect yourself. how brave! i’ve always been so proud of you for that…
but yeah, i remember singing tell me why so passionately on the bus on the way to school about my dad and a former friend of mine… this friend would tell me he loved me all the time and then insult me for fun. he knew he hurt me, but he would do it all the time… i remember talking to a mutual friend about his abuse… and she was upset with him because he’d just said something so mean… and she sai “it’s like that line ‘you could write a bood on how to ruin someone’s perfect day’ that’s him!” and i was like “especially if he made the perfect day”
i remember when it got real bad and my dad was in the worst mental place he’s been (i can’t elaborate in a post i want you to see because that’s too public… but if i’m chosen for loft 89, i want to tell you about this because i want you to know how much you’ve gotten me through) and he was so horrible… and i retreated to my room and would just blast mean on repeat screaming at my door “you have pointed out my flaws again as if i don’t already see them” and “i walk with my head down trying to block you out ‘cause I’ll never impress you” crying into my pillow about how i just wanted to feel ok again. i changed the words from “about how i can’t sing” to “about how i’m nothing” because it fits so well in the song and to my specific situation… and i would just ask over and over again why he had to be so mean.
i remember the first time i heard red and was like “fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer.” oh my god, did she just write a song about me and kyle (the friend i mentioned before)?” and then i heard the album… and everything fell into place. red, the album, helped me to make sense of that relationship so much. i tried to write this giant song by song review of the album when it came out (i ended up not finishing because i ran out of steam during begin again because i wrote four full pages single spaced in my review of all too well), and it was all “this song reminds me of my friend kyle” because it was so him… from the weirdly unstable optimism of state of grace to the crushing fear and sadness of state of grace acoustic. the entire album.
i want to single out wanegbt because nothing satisfies me like imaging singing “we are NEVER EVER EVER getting back together” to him and watching his face… oh god… perfect. especially with the 199 tour rock version… screaming “MUCH BETTER THAN MINE” at him would be incredible. especially since you were a gig part of the way he abused me… at the end at least. after high school i was lost for a bit and then taylor connect was launched at the end of 2009, and at the beginning of 2010, i found a life there. i found friends and a support system… i found a community. and he didn’t like that because before then, he was my community. so he forbid me from speaking about you or anything that had to do with you. so in this fantasy of singing wanegbt to him, “my music” is synonymous with “taylor swift” and it make it perfect.
today, i have listened to clean all day… because my first best friend unfriended me on facebook (i corrected her on her language surrounding caitlyn jenner and apparently it wasn’t just ignorance, she meant to be transphobic and didn’t want to be friends with a trans person (me)) and i looked back on that relationship which was kind of horrible and i’m just… finally clean.
but in my looking back at that relationship i remember walking home from the pool listening to back to december on repeat imagining she would say this to me. i gave her all my love and all she gave me was goodbye.
today is just a reminder to me of how much your music has shaped my life and how grateful i am to have it. you’ve given me words to describe the biggest and strongest emotions of my life. most of it is applied to a completely different context, i take romantic songs and apply them to friendships or the relationship between me and my dad… and it’s so easy to do because you write the feeling so well. so seriously, thank you for all of this and thank you for all of the music you’ve yet to write. i’m so glad that i’ve had you in my life all these years… you’ve helped more than you could ever know…. but i needed to try and tell you.
**sorry this is so long, i started and i just couldn’t stop. if you are reading this and you are not taylor, if you could reblog and tag her, it would mean a lot. more than any other post i’ve written, i need her to see this. the things i mention in this post are things i need/want her to know about… she deserves to know how much her music has helped me in standing up for myself and understanding the abuse i’ve faced. thanks**