being back on the island i grew up on is both nerve-wracking and wonderful. it’s such a beautiful place! my mom has so many books to read and places to lounge! she has a fancy coffee machine and always had good cheese in the fridge. it feels familiar and comfortable and i spend a big chunk of time there worrying about running into people i grew up with. it’s so fucking weird.
tonight while driving home heart came on the radio, and i realized that part of my anxiety is always about the fact that i gained weight after high school. it’s been 20 years, so of course i look different. and yes, i’m fat. then i thought, “well shit, the same thing happened to ann wilson.” she kept making music and being awesome. stevie nicks isn’t the tiny fairy she once was. grace slick even got a big chubby. i’m an ordinary, middle aged woman who got kind of fat. who cares? 75% of the time i don’t, but then i think, “oh god so many people i grew up with are still skinny i’m such a loser.” i’m totally not a loser though! i have a nice little family. i am good at making things. i am kind. i am a soft spot that my nieces and nephews like to curl up around. i am fatter than i was 17, it’s true. but that isn’t all i’ve done in the past 20 years.