A few weeks ago, I don’t know if anybody’s really paying me attention, I talked about how I would start using tumblr as an actual blog instead of just sharing stuff other people posted. Something about how Cholula is so magical, and Twitter wasn’t quite cutting it when it came to allowing me to express myself fully. Well, alright. In that time I’ve used tumblr to vent extensively… yeah, sorry about that. Sometimes I feel nobody’s even reading my blog, but in any case, thank you. Some things I feel are too heavy to burden all my friends on Twitter, so I use this as a sort of emo haven to just fully unload myself. I’ve told my psychiatrist about what I do here, but even then I could never show it to him.
I mentioned I would be starting to blog, and that was how long ago? Three weeks, maybe even up to four? I always wanted a blog. Mostly so I could share my writings, talk about cool experiences, even unload myself a little. Tumblr is about the perfect medium to do this; I’ve dedicated my first 3 months on this site to sharing random stuff I thought was pretty/interesting/funny, but lately I’m just seeing the same rehashed jokes over and over, and picture blogs have gotten less interesting to my eyes. Whatever. This is an opportunity. The site has become a lot more than what it was to me. I’m not just mindlessly scrolling and chuckling anymore. Now I’m actually making use of my blog.
So here it goes. Let me tell you about my day.
I slept maybe too well last night. It was one of those looong days where I woke up a lot earlier than I normally do (I went to all my classes!), and found myself a lot more easily irritated than usual. I realized how much I hate Eduardo blasting reggaeton from his room all the fucking time (seriously what i sup with that?), and how the other Lalo has a really annoying laugh (Ivan mentioned that to me earlier that day, Lalo forever ruined). Yesterday was pretty mediocre, honestly, but I appreciated pretty much having the entire day off. I get tired of spending too many consecutive days with the same groups of people. So yesterday was a nice enough break from that. Sleeping was still the best thing that happened all day. That, and the couple hours before sleeping. You know, those profound, pre-sleep conversations with the roommate? That’s always nice.
So I woke up today. Sort of. I slept like a king, first opening my eyes a couple hours before I even had my only class of the day. But I was just so comfy. I turned off my alarm and made the conscious choice not to go. I already took that class last year anyway. My whole grade is just a couple papers, that I sadly didn’t have the time for last year.
I had a really weird dream last night. But at least she wasn’t really a part of it last night. Some person I made up for my dream asked me about what happened, so I explained, but that was the extent of her role this time.
Phew. It stresses me out so much practically every other time.
The dream involved my university and high school lives colliding, which used to be an extremely frequent theme in my dreams when I first moved here. One of those reminders of how small the world is, right? My high school friend Patricio was aware of Camila somehow in this dream world (this definitely had to do with the pre-sleep conversation with Ivan, thinking about it). I was on OK terms with Custodio for some reason (ew), or at least OK enough to be hanging out with the same group compromised of my HS and uni friends. I was also rescued by some strangers at one point after I passed out in their bathroom? That’s nice, I guess. I’d thank them if they were real.
So, alright. I wake up to a call from Ivan. Extremely gentle awakening. I rested well, today I won’t be a zombie like the night before. It’s only about 10:30, which, at least for me, is still pretty early, and gives me all the time in the world to enjoy myself that day.
Ivan wants to know if I’m having lunch with him and Camila today. Yeah, sure. Those two have been having lunch together pretty much every weekday for the last few months. I join them occasionally. I like them a lot. He’s one of my closest and most trusted friends. And Camila? I’ve always really enjoyed her presence. But in light of recent conversations with Ivan, I really want to go.
So here’s the story: I have a curse. For every girl I’m interested in, or that is interested in me, I have a friend that I care about more and that is more into them. Judith violently hitting on me while she’s dating Eduardo and the way he always speaks so highly / lovingly of her being the prime example (today’s her birthday btw, I’d say something nice but she bothers me a lot tbh). There used to be Zorayda, too. She seemed all over me until she sorta became a thing with Ivan. Uh oh. Neither of us really talks to her anymore. She’s chill, I just don’t care for the drama.
I get off track so much and this is all one single blog post. Not that anyone was gonna bother, anyway.
I like Camila. I don’t have the problems with her that I do with Judith (who barely has any personality, in addition to leading my homie on) or Zorayda (who always acted like we were closer than we were and made me uncomfortable a lot of the time). Camila is quite possibly the prettiest girl I know, she has a great sense of humor, she’s nice. Before I met her, Ivan used to tell me every day about how cool she was and how badly I had to meet her. So I did, and I wasn’t disappointed, she’s great.
He’s always sorta been pushing her as an option for me. That night during my spring break when I was going nuts in the hotel room, I called him on Skype. One of the things he told me to comfort me was “don’t worry too much, you still got Camila here.” The thought made me smile. But at that point I’d only hung out with her a handful of times. It was the idea of Ivan saying it that made me feel better, if only for a few minutes.
It’s a problem. I’d felt pretty comfortable with them recently, knowing my best friend wanted to set me up with his other best friend who seemed perfect in every way. Then it got really obvious. The dude is super into her. He just doesn’t have the self-esteem to even consider that she’d ever like him.
What frustrates me most isn’t that I’m still unable to find a girl that I can really connect to that way while in university, or that my close friends keep crushing on every single possibility. It’s him. He reminds me so much of himself in high school and it’s really painful. I’ve had a few conversations with him the last few days regarding Camila, and no matter how much I try to encourage him, the dude doesn’t think he’ll ever grow the balls to pursue something with her. “I’m not always gonna be like this. Maybe the next girl.” Okay, man. It’s just frustrating.
So, this morning, right. We agreed on a time for lunch, but not a place or even who would go. I was pretty fucking comfy still so I didn’t feel the need to get out of bed yet. As the time approached, I finally decided to get up and go take a shower. Eduardo was out in the living room, making plans for Judith’s birthday. He asked me if I knew any nice places for flowers around town, and if I could get ahold of Ivan the romantic. Sure thing, but I had to hop in the shower first. I told him I was actually about to meet up with him. I was a little reluctant to tell him about lunch (Camila has mentioned before she thinks he’s a bit of a snob), but I didn’t want to be rude so I invited him to come join us. Yay, friends!
Eduardo told me about how one of the RAs found a beer bottle in our trash and everyone in the suite was required to make an appointment with the head of our dorms tomorrow. This will come up later.
So out of the shower, I get a text from Ivan. “I’m talking to a professor, I’ll be there in a bit, but you guys get there first.” My only question is where? Camila doesn’t live in dorms, so I have no idea where to find her. We usually have lunch at the cafeteria, but I’d just suggested a viet/thai place outside of campus the night before. Eduardo needs a reservation to rent one of the cars the school offers us so he can go get Judith’s flowers, and the place is right next to the cafeteria anyway. So we go there while waiting for a response from Ivan or Camila, sure. We’re also waiting for Sara, who’s gonna go get the flowers with Eduardo (”Lalote”) while the rest of us eat lunch. Okay.
The car rent exchange was pretty funny, but I don’t know why I’m describing every tiny detail of my day. Lalo somehow had credit both in favor and against. He doesn’t have a cellphone, and, okay, whatever. This is really unnecessary.
I need a break. Did it seriously take me this long to write about the first 2-3 hours of my day, which were mostly sleeping? I drag on and on with every detail. That’s the thing about my writing. Did I mention I joined a writing workshop last week? Or throw in an useless mention of how I’ve been a vegetarian for almost two months, or how I stopped drinking soda almost a month ago? How am I supposed to fit all of this in? What am I doing? How does writing work?
My brain is fried. I’m just gonna… I dunno. Talk to people a bit before I continue. I like this. Blogging is nice. I like knowing people anywhere can learn about my life and my feelings. I like writing, I like unloading. I’m gonna get back to this in a bit.