ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS I HAVE SPENT THE LAST TWO HOURS TRYING TO REINSTALL CHROME AND I HAVE BEEN GETTING PROGRESSIVELY MORE DRUNK AND FRUSTRATED SO IT’S MOTHERFUCKING STORY TIME!
ALRIGHT I mentioned this story once already but it’s a great fucking story get ready hold on to your nips this shit’ll twist them right the fuck off it’s insane.
Alright so we’re throwing this riot let’s be honest it was like so far past a party it was a whole different level we were fighting with fire like literally vinyl gloves with cotton hand wraps soaked in lighter fluid and then we light them on fire and punch each other it was FUCKING RAD I wanted to put in a fucking eagle making sweet love to a gutiar here but I can’t find it and I’m too drunk for photoshop.
So yeah we’re drunk and we’re fighting with fire also we have road flares because I dont fucking know we just did.
Guys we should have died like no joke I should not be telling you these stories I should be buirried.
So we’re drunk and rioting and making terrible decisions except for Kyle. Kyle is being a suave motherfucker he’s talking to this girl her name is Laura anyways Kyle and Laura are hitting it off it is very going clearly going to result in sexy times the only problem is that before Laura showed up Kyle agreed to firefight me and gues swhat motherfuckers IF YOU PROMISE ME A DRUNKEN FIGHT THERE BETTER BE A DRUNKEN FIGHT OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY
So Kyle tells Eric “hey I’ve got this thing I need to eat it’s super important can you take my fight” like that’s literally what he said so Eric is just like “sure dude yeah I can do that” the problem being that I already fought Eric that day and Kyle and I had some recent roommate issues taht we had to deal with and guys cards on the table I just really wanted to punch Kyle in the throat with my burning fist.
So there are some issues that I need to take care of because of the combination of overly subtle double entendre and me being too drunk and focused on punching things to notice Kyle trying to get his game on so I do what was really the only reasonable thing to do I take out my drunken rage and disappointment on Eric.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOPE JUST KIDDING I GRAB A ROAD FLARE I LIGHT THAT SHIT AND I CHARGE INTO KYLE’S ROOM
So the real problem here is Laura only partially understands how fucking insane we were. She was NOT prepared for a screaming young man covered in neon paint (did I mention we painted ourselves?) lobing a flare into the room and trying to punch her partner in the face while she lay naked in his bed. To be fair, I don’t think anyone would have been prepared for that.
To be more fair I don’t think anyone was ready for Kyle’s response which was to launch out of the bed whip off the condom mid air and slap me across the face with it.
Nothing stops a fight quite like getting slapped with a condom. Like for most people there probably is like a disgust part to it like “ew that was on a dick or in a vagina/butthole and now it’s touching my face” but really for me it was more the disappointment in myself for interrupting someone having fun.
Like guys if I ever interrupt someone having sex it will literally ruin my night that’s not cool guys party foul bro party foul.
Anyways there’s some loud apologizing and I throw the flare back into the halla nd also threaten to punch anyone hwo follows me into the room and I leave and I fight Eric but like my heart isn’t really in it you know like I’m punching him but I just don’t feel anything and Kyle and Laura have a great time and they hook up a bunch of times after so YAY HAPPY ENDING!
Also, we did eventually have that fight, and I may and or may not have punched Kyle in the throat and made him throw up. Fun fact: if you drink enough your vomit is flammable.