Dear Current Self

I hate you.
I can’t stand you.
I want you to disappear.

I don’t know who you are anymore
I don’t know what you want anymore
I don’t know what you can do to help yourself because at this point,
I’m pretty fucking sure you don’t deserve to be saved.

I want to kill you.

Why?

Because you deserve it.
You deserve everything that has happened to you
and everything that might happen to you
and everything that will possibly ruin your life
simply because you already ruined it
so honestly,
there is nothing you have to lose.

You have no right
to be angry at them
for claiming that their obvious beauty is not there
for claiming that their bodies are bigger than what they are
for claiming that the love that is constantly showered upon them is not real and does not exist and is somehow not good enough,
simply because
if even they are not up to par
how can you expect yourself to come close to a single ounce
of beauty or laughter or intelligence or anything
that can be defined
as “normal”?

You have no right
to think 
that the source of your instability
is something
other than yourself
simply because
you are past the road to recovery
and you have been
and will always be
you.

You’ve lost your sanity
your energy
your friends
your family
yourself.

You’ve lost me.

so many people
seem to be going through
so so much

and i can’t help but think
what will determine
the importance
of my own worries?

while i help everybody else
who will be there
to get me through
whatever this is?

i don’t want to be a burden
i don’t want them
to feel unnecessary pain

i don’t want
to bring the hurt
that they don’t deserve
that they don’t want
that they don’t need

and while i say this
there is still that lingering sense
of dread
of loss
of ache

and while i say that
i seem to have lost all feeling
in my arms
in my feet 
in my veins

not numb
not empty

just dead

somehow
i managed to find
the warped concept
that i am no longer allowed
to feel

somehow
i managed to find
the warped concept
that the actions you make
which in turn make me feel like an absolute wreck
are caused by me

somehow
i managed to find
the warped concept
that nothing i do 
will ever be good enough
for you and your expectations
and your desperation 
to find something better

somehow
i managed to find
the warped concept
that every word i said
every tear you saw 
every disgraceful emotion i did not hide from you
fell into a hole
for you to bring out
and throw at me
without doing a single thing

somehow
i managed to find
the warped concept
that trust was 
in fact
a real thing
and that i could finally
bring myself
to be honest
only to be stabbed
and wounded
more than i used to be

somehow
i managed to find
the warped concept
that i was crazy 
only to find out
that these concepts
were in fact genuine
and proven
and the only warped concept i had
was that everything had been okay

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