NaNa

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I took a deep breath as I took the stairs to go find Bee. When I reached the top of the stairs I could see her sitting outside on the balcony so I made my way to the doorway.

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Is it safe for me to come out or are you still on some kick my ass type shit?

Silence.
She didn’t say a word instead she just stared at me.

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I took another deep breath and headed out to take a seat beside her.

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Look I know you’re mad at me and i’m sorry but you have to understand that I hate seeing you this way. Every time the topic of kids come up you shut completely down. Remember when we were in college and I came back to our dorm with a black eye and a busted nose?

Yah.

Remember how you started crying when you seen my face?

Yah.

And what did I ask you?

"Why was I crying?"

And what did you tell me?

"Bish what you mean why i’m crying, you see your face? As far as i’m concerned he hit both of us. When you’re in pain i’m in pain, when you cry bish I cry."

Exactly, so when you shut down I shut down. I see the tears in your eyes and the hurt on your face every time, you might think you’re hiding it but you’re not fooling me. I know I will never understand what you went through because I never went through something like that but I wish you would help me understand or something because seeing you in so much pain when it comes to this kills me. What kills me even more is the fact that  you go off in to your own world and I don’t know what to do or say.

She let out a sigh.

I’m sorry it’s just that………I don’t like to think about it. I don’t mean to shut down or shut you out but you have to understand when you bring it up, you’re bringing up old feelings that I’ve tried to bury. NaNa, Jay and I are in a good space right now and I would like to keep it that way. For the longest time he blamed himself for what happened, he just started coming back around to his old self again within the last year . If we were to try again and I were to get pregnant and something was to happen to me………

I cut her off.

Bee you can’t think like that.

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I know but that would be in the back of my mind the whole time. NaNa neither one of use would be able to take that another time around. One minute we’re buying baby clothes, decorating a nursery, and counting down the last two months. Then boom, he’s gone and everything is just snatched away.

She sat silent for a few minutes before she continued.

Everything about that night is still such a blur, it felt like everything was moving in slow motion………

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She took a moment before she continued.

I remember waking up to the sound of voices. I got up thinking Jay had came back from his business trip early but as I got……

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Oh lord what did I walk in on.

We both turned our heads in his direction. We were so deep in conversation that neither one of us heard him come in or outside.

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Hey brother.

Wassup sister.

Hey baby, how long have you been standing there?

She got up to greet him.

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Hey, I just stepped out. Why?

Nothing.

Seeing these two interact with each other made me smile. Knowing he made my bestie truly happy made me happy. I got up to gather my things and leave.

You leaving me?

Yes honey, besides I need to get my mind right for that conversation tonight.

What conversation?

Nothing baby.

You two stay up to no damn good.

We both started to laugh.

What?

Nothing sister.

I gathered my things, gave them both goodbye hugs, and made my way home.

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                                                                                            ***At home***

I made myself comfortable in a nearby chair and waited for Nice to pick up the phone.

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Wassup baby?!

Hey.

What’s wrong?

Nothing.

NaNa what’s wrong?

Nothing Nice, I was just calling to see what you wanted for dinner.

He grew silent for a couple of seconds.

How about I pick up dinner from your favorite restaurant instead?

That’ll work.

Aight. I should be home in two hours, I have to pick up Jaz and Major from practice and take them home.

Okay, tell them I said hi.

I will, all they’ve been talking about is coming over this weekend and bugging you.

I laughed a little.

Those are my babies they never bug me.

And that’s why they are so spoiled now. I’ll see you when I get home, love you.

Okay, love you to baby.

I hung up the phone and let out a sigh. I was glad he made that suggestion for dinner because I felt like total shit. As soon as I made it through the door I was headed for the porcelain throne. This “Morning sickness” as they called it was killing me. I peeled out of my clothes and ran me a bubble bath, hoping it would help make me feel a little better.

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After I was done I still had no energy to do anything so I laid across the bed trying to catch up on my TV shows but ended up falling asleep.

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