I don't trust people. I am convinced I'm a worthless person already.

“Is your gf being a dick again?”

Yeah… am I? For being upset. Do you regularly say that’s what I’m being? I’m sorry I’m not perfect okay! I’m sorry I get upset because I want to go out and have fun with you too but I fucking can’t! You got me pregnant, it’s your fault I can’t drink too and that I ask you not to while I’m with you.

I begged you just to hold out til I could go on the pill because you won’t use condoms.. but you never listened.. you said it wouldn’t happen that it would be alright. you pushed and pushed until I gave in and just let it happen.

Maybe you should tell your friends that when they go “Well she shouldn’t have gotten pregnant then”… yeah you said it was both our faults but what would they have said if you’d told them that, that I said no and you kept persisting until you got laid and that I’m too messed up to say no to you because I’m too shit scared you’ll go to someone else if I do.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m a piece of shit in all your friend’s eyes just because I don’t smoke pot and drink all the time and like I’m no fun because I don’t do all of the bullshit stuff that’s actually a bad example for your child. 

I get cuddles every night in bed if I want and your company every day.
But I have the freedom to do as I please and flirt with who I like because I’m single..

Why would I give that up to be trapped in a relationship with you again if you still haven’t proven to me that you’ve changed for the better?

At least I haven’t cut you out of my life completely.

Bert update.

So my friend rode him and I was going to have a ride on the lovely Pea.. but then she had her little mental and decided she wanted to act like a mad thoroughbred on race day or something so I just sort of lunged her but it was more a matter of held on while she bucked and reared and ran around at the end of the rope. No wonder no one believes me when I say she’s not crazy.

Anyway, Bert was being super lazy and not moving forward at all and not coming down on the bit or doing ANYTHING at all… even with a whip and Pea kept distracting him so I took her back to the paddock..

When I came walking back my friend was standing next to him on the ground and said that he’d started playing up and was backing up no matter what she did and wouldn’t go forward so I was like alright. She’d never dealth with something like that before so wasn’t sure what to do and felt safer hopping off than trying to stay on him until I got back. Which I understand.

So I put the rope on him and chased him around for 5 minutes to make him move forward instead of backwards and gave him a tap on the bum every time he tried to swing his front towards me and back away so no matter what he had to keep moving  forward.

Then I hopped on him. Because he seemed fine and I was like okay I better sort his shit out before he undoes any progress we’ve made. I basically just sat right forward in the saddle so I almost felt like I was going to sit on his neck and just pushed him and tried to canter a bit but then he was like ohshit no I’ll behave and went into a frame and everything on a really short rein but every time I sat back a bit more he’d go giraffe mode..

Soooo I’m thinking we may need to even do dressage in a flatter more forward type of saddle because it seems the more forward you ride the more collected and uphill he gets instead of being a hollow backed giraffe. There’s a video. I have to have a look at it still.

Then we put a complete and total beginner on him and she had a completely loose rein and a shit position and everything and he tucked his nose in and pulled his back and shoulders up all proud and everything…

So obviously he’s just playing my friend because he gets away with it… Little shit, that’s what he is.

I mean, he even did side passes for me, mostly because I was trying to make him bend and was a little too strong on the inside leg and he wanted to go the other way so he did side passes instead of stepping through his shoulder because that gets him growled. I was sitting there like omfg help me. This horse is seriously the most awkwardest horse ever to train.

We went and looked at a pitch black QH stallion last night.

And if my friend buys him I get to handle him and break him in. He’s never even had a halter on…. Just been a breeding machine since the people got him and apparently he likes to do it right on the top of the biggest hill at sunset… What a show-off.

He’s so little compared to the TB stallion. But he’s sooo gorgeous, with a long mane and tail too. He’s just a bit on the fat side haha.


Water has many wonderful features, almost like it is somehow magical in it’s own mysterious way. It could transport you from memory to memory, dull any other emotions and thoughts until you’re left entirely absorbed in your emotions. It was for this that the girl used it.. Lying completely submerged under the water in the shallow pool, the sound of the water from the stream cascading into the pool drowning out any other sounds there might be. Her dress floated around her, clinging in the few areas that now and then appeared above the surface as the air in her lungs made her float up.

It seemed like forever before she allowed her face to be lifted enough into the air to breathe in deeply, her lungs expanding and her eyes opening before she sat up. She’d been caught up in her past, remembering times when she was a little girl who ran around in this exact spot and swam in the shallow pool of water. She had found the waterfall mesmerizing, had created her own little world around in filled with all sorts of mystical creatures and make belief friends. 

She had never had any real friends.

Her family was the outcasts in these parts, the ones that were too strange for anyone to really get to know. She had been taught her lessons at home instead of with the other children and none of them had ever made any effort to even play with her. They had just looked at her as though she was the same as the neglected dogs that wandered between the stone houses of the village, starved and dirty. 

She was never dirty though. She liked to be clean, her tanned skin smooth and always free from dust or dirty of any kind. Her hair was always neatly combed but never tied up in any way, the sun creating natural highlights in the straight waves of light earthy brown.

I feel like a disappointment...

It doesn’t matter that he says I’m not.. it’s still how I feel.

I feel like I’m not pretty enough, like at any moment some girl is going to come alone who’s way more beautiful and he’s going to wish he was with her instead. Especially when I’m naked….. And especially now with a huge baby bump making me feel like I’m just fat and ugly and awkward.

I don’t like being naked.. and looking down to see a huge round stomach instead of my flat tummy. I liked my flat toned tummy… I worked hard on making sure it stayed that way instead of getting even a little chubby. But it’s gone now and there’s nothing I can do about it for at least a few more months. I hate it.

I hate the way that my boobs sag, because I know what they can be like. I’ve seen them when they’ve been ready to burst with milk and were full and round.. Now they’re sort of empty and just saggy and it’s not nice.. And my stomach is so big it makes them look like there’s nothing there so even when I get told they’re a nice size or they’re big I don’t believe it at all… 

Everything about me just makes me feel disappointed and ugly and awkward right now… I don’t want to be like this, I want to feel pretty and like I’m the sort of person other people can be jealous of… 

I feel like I’m horrible in bed too, like I try my best but then end up just doing something silly or awkward or just wrong… and it kills the mood and just takes away from the passion and everything. And he says he brags when he’s with his friends.. but he brags because he has a gf who puts out and will actually have sex with him, that’s why, he doesn’t brag because I’m so good in bed that his friends should be jealous.

Maybe for once I just want to be the girl that other guys would be like “I wish I had his gf” over instead of being like “Poor guy.” :/