Horoscopes: a summary

Aries: asshole

Taurus: very much a virgin

Gemini: MONEYMONEYMONEY

Cancer: total pissbaby

Leo: very extroverted

Virgo: shy af

Libra: surprisingly good with computers

Scorpio: angry. Very angry

Sagittarius: superiority complex

Capricorn: thou art a dick

Aquarius: the only actually nice one

Pisces: will throw a chair at you if you insult them