Wisdom of the Stars...
Aries 3/21- 4/19
Take some time out of your busy schedule to file your nails into tiny little talons. Your nickname could be “Nighthawk” or “Crowclaw.”
Taurus 4/20- 5/20
Not every gift you receive comes in a little gift box, all wrapped up in nice wrapping paper with ribbons and bows. Some gifts are the kind of gifts that you can’t even see: like the gift of a friendship, or the sound of a smile.
Gemini 5/21- 6/20
Remember to do what makes you happy for a change- especially if you’re white.
Cancer 6/21- 7/22
You’re so beautiful. You are seriously so pretty. Why would anyone ever call you fat? You’re not fat. They’re fat! You’re skinny. Skinny people are pretty.
Leo 7/23- 8/22
You don’t always have to be in control. Try “letting go,” and giving others a chance to “take the wheel.” You might be surprised by how well they “steer the car” away from the “telephone poles” of life.
Virgo 8/23- 9/22
Live like you’ll die tomorrow, because even if you don’t die- so what. At least you tried.
Libra 9/23- 10/22
Almost every “Kelly” you meet will seem nice at first but will turn out to be a total bitch and a backstabber.
Scorpio 10/23- 11/21
Learn to be comfortable in your own skin, but also be willing to wear other peoples’ skin sometimes.
Sagittarius 11/22- 12/21
Check your email often. Some of the things you thought were spam are actually ads for cool porn sites.
Capricorn 12/22- 1/19
Boo Capricorn. Fuck you!
Aquarius 1/20- 2/18
Beware of traps; like a rope trap that grabs your leg, or a hidden trap where you just fall into it.
Pisces 2/19- 3/20
You are so special Pisces. Everything is about you. Things are really going to change for you soon. Just keep reading horoscopes, and don’t worry about changing any of your shitty habits.