my-legs-hurt-all-the-time

we drove all the way to springfield missouri today !! we’re stayin here for the night in a shitty motel but wherever i get to sleep next to my best friend is fine by me. we passed the arch in st. louis which was v cool but indiana and illinois were such a drag. whatever. my face hurts from laughing so much today, i don’t remember the last time i’ve felt so content. and god almost all day charlie had his hand on my thigh or between my legs and i was about to lose my mind but we had really great sex and then i smoked a cig in bed and by tmrw hopefully we will be out of the damn bible belt (we still have oklahoma and texas to get through) and then new mexico and arizona (nvr been to either so im rly excited) and then finally california :::::) god today was so long im so tired i rly need to go to bed but this fucking adorable boy is laying next to me and i wanna stare at him 4evr

I need help

TW: EATING DISORDER, ANXIETY, SELF HARM.

I finally recognize that… I’ve been afraid of my love of food for a long time. My love hate relationship with cheese and sugar has been unhealthy for a very long time.

Two months ago, I purged for the first time. I had been successfully at 900 calories a day for several weeks, and then one day, in pain from my old leg injuries, I had a melt down and had two dinner servings instead of one. The terror I felt after adding up my food was all consuming. So I stuck a toothbrush down the back of my throat until I threw everything up. I cried, it hurt like hell to kneel in front of the toilette, I had to throw out my toothbrush after.

Then I spent several days hating myself for making such a mistake (over eating) that I had to force myself to make a bigger mistake(purging) in order to make up for it.

I call myself pathetic for eating. I call myself weak for being unable to starve myself consistently. I cry because I don’t actually want to lose weight. I just don’t want my doctors, grandmother, people on the street, people on social media, to use my appearance as justification for hurting me. I love myself, but I feel like that’s not enough when a doctor can simply tell me all my problems are weight related without having to prove it through testing. I know two women who DIED from stage four cancer because their doctors blamed their symptoms on weight related complications and didn’t test them.

I’m afraid of my body, and how people will treat me because of it. I scold myself for not having the will power to fast every other day. I hate myself for liking a hot meal. I hit/punch/pinch myself when I think about wanting sweets. But I stand by that I don’t have an eating disorder because I’m not skinny enough to have an eating disorder. I’m just another fat, weak, hopeless, over indulgent, pathetic, waste of space…

Tldr: Sorry, percocet and a cramping stomach kept me up. So I’m whining to my dash again…

Go for it

1. The meaning behind my URL

2. A picture of me

3. Why I love my bestfriend

4. Last time I cried and why

5. Piercings I have

6. Favorite Band

7. Biggest turn off(s)

8. Top 5 (insert subject)

9. Tattoos I want

10. Biggest turn on(s)

11. Age

12. Ideas of a perfect date

13. Life goal(s)

14. Piercings I want

15. Relationship status

16. Favorite movie

17. A fact about my life

18. Phobia

19. Middle name

20. Anything you want to ask

I edit the look of my blog whenever you edit my feelings.