TW: EATING DISORDER, ANXIETY, SELF HARM.
I finally recognize that… I’ve been afraid of my love of food for a long time. My love hate relationship with cheese and sugar has been unhealthy for a very long time.
Two months ago, I purged for the first time. I had been successfully at 900 calories a day for several weeks, and then one day, in pain from my old leg injuries, I had a melt down and had two dinner servings instead of one. The terror I felt after adding up my food was all consuming. So I stuck a toothbrush down the back of my throat until I threw everything up. I cried, it hurt like hell to kneel in front of the toilette, I had to throw out my toothbrush after.
Then I spent several days hating myself for making such a mistake (over eating) that I had to force myself to make a bigger mistake(purging) in order to make up for it.
I call myself pathetic for eating. I call myself weak for being unable to starve myself consistently. I cry because I don’t actually want to lose weight. I just don’t want my doctors, grandmother, people on the street, people on social media, to use my appearance as justification for hurting me. I love myself, but I feel like that’s not enough when a doctor can simply tell me all my problems are weight related without having to prove it through testing. I know two women who DIED from stage four cancer because their doctors blamed their symptoms on weight related complications and didn’t test them.
I’m afraid of my body, and how people will treat me because of it. I scold myself for not having the will power to fast every other day. I hate myself for liking a hot meal. I hit/punch/pinch myself when I think about wanting sweets. But I stand by that I don’t have an eating disorder because I’m not skinny enough to have an eating disorder. I’m just another fat, weak, hopeless, over indulgent, pathetic, waste of space…
Tldr: Sorry, percocet and a cramping stomach kept me up. So I’m whining to my dash again…