my alters are so different from me

I always find it quite ironic. I love gloomy days and lazying around doing nothing but in the comfort of my snuggly bed yet i love the sun beating down on my bare skin thinking about adventures. I love to be alone yet I hate being lonely. There’s something about me that’s totally different from myself. I can be so lazy yet I can run around for hours. I love to read but at the same time I hate it. Same with writing. Sometimes, I can passionately write, while other times, I write so scornfully, almost as if I feel obliged. 

Maybe I’m what you call bi-polar, except the definition is slightly altered. It’s strange that I’m sitting right now, right here eager to write except I want to be finished. There’s a strange pull that makes me want to but is holding me back. It’s an indescribable feeling. and I wonder if anybody has this same feeling. 

But there’s something about this indescribable feeling that it makes me feel almost as if everything I type is nonsense. Like, I’m trying to put it into words but I can’t. The feeling is too abstruse that I can’t even explain it. It’s a feeling that when you try to describe you make incomprehensible hand gestures, rotating the wrist, swinging your arms back and forth, trying to make something out of it. 

Then you get off topic and you start thinking about things you shouldn’t be thinking about. LIke the galaxy and what’s out there. About the stars, about love and fate. About scenarios bound to never happen. You think about a different life, but feel guilty for even thinking about it. You think about a parallel universe and then you realize that you’re thinking about nonsense and you’re writing about nonsense but you don’t stop to write you just don’t. You continue and carry on. It’s like diarrhea and everything just flows out. Except it’s not disgusting like diarrhea. You just can’t stop, your brain can’t and neither can your wrist and fingers stop. Everything just keeps flowing like this universe. Time keeps flowing, gravity, everything. Nothing stops. Seconds pass into minutes and you age without even thinking.

It’s weird once you start to think, and when you start thinking, you can’t begin to understand. 

basically, for anyone who bothers to check my blog instead of just reading a single line of discussion:

i support changing the belief that a given body configuration is “male” or “female.” to me, if you are a trans woman with no medical or physical alterations, your body is a female body. and your genitals are female genitals. because that is your body, and you are female. it is not a “male” body or a “wrong” one, it just looks different from other female bodies. even a given cis woman’s body is different from other female bodies. everyone already has several thousand variations between them.

the reasoning behind this is that accepting that there is no one-true-way for a woman’s body (or a man’s, or anyone else’s) to be, then women who choose to transition in whatever way they want, or women who modify their bodies, or women who are different sizes, or different races, are all equally viable. throwing external validation of sex or gender out the window benefits everyone because nothing can be assumed and it gives full autonomy to the individual.

“but how will i know if someone i wanna bang has the genitals i’m interested in interacting with!!!” just ask. politely, of course. you have to generally pass the basic “get to know this person” small talk anyway, whether you’ll remember it or not the next day. making asking about pronouns in general conversation, and communication/consent prior to sex, normalized is never a bad thing.

the only time a genetic or genital variance has any importance is either in a medical setting or an intimate one.

hostilc asked:

[ why did you create this muse? ( on mobile soz ) ]


▽ Why did you create this muse?

My key muses were always nonhuman or was some kind of supernatural entity. I didn’t really see the difference in this one? But since I didn’t really get much action from my other key muses (action being violence, gore, injuries and all that jazz), I created Alter to live that. Of course, not only that, but he’s also quite like me. It’s nice to make a character that you can easily play because of so many similarities in personality.

anonymous asked:


From 20 intrusive questions 

6) how is your life different now from two years ago

I’m finding it hard to remember exactly how things were two years ago, so I’m going to generalise. 

My system didn’t work at all well together - things were quite chaotic with a very disruptive alter. 

I was more socially active - I struggled to fit all my socialising in and you would rarely find me at home. I had anxiety problems but it was more manageable. Part of the reason I was never home was because I couldn’t stand it - I had a poor relationship with my family and whatnot. 

Home 2 years ago was my Mum’s house. I now rent a flat. I feel that I was more independent when I lived at Mum’s though. Now my anxiety is quite bad I feel I am dependent on my friend to help me. 

I’m more confident in my practice at work. I’ve become qualified and I feel I am able to manage behavioural problems which is something I felt I wasn’t able to do. 

You know what?  This only makes me want to ship them harder (if thats possible) even my Mum agreed that the BBC are homophobic and actually they look kind of ridiculous now because its laughable that they can brush this story off as a bromance completely laughable.  It goes against what we saw WHAT ALL THOSE REVIEWS SAW that I posted from online from different people, men, women they all knew it was a romance and its insulting to the actors who portayed this love story.  Im never gonna forget this amazing love story it means so much to me and it inspires me and the only thing I can take from this is that we are gonna be the future we’re gonna be the ones that accept love in whatever form it takes never judge people and embrace this story for what it is LOVE and not bromance.

Ethan Robarts Post #4

My internship ended in quite an extraordinary manner. I was given the name of a woman who I had to follow from the doctor’s office with a very limited description, but I was able to use an alter ego to find the claimant. This led to us being able to follow her to her house and gathering information on her cars, address, and family situation. I learned so many different things about being a private investigator, but I learned even more about what it means to own your own small business. I was offered a job following my completion of college with this company. This internship was both rewarding for me and my sponsor in that we learned new things and completed lots of work.

anonymous asked:

I was wondering if you think it is possible for people who have DID to actually have fictives as alters instead of fictives just being "head mates"? (I'm not sure if I phrased that in a way that makes sense so please let me know if I need to try to phrase my question differently)

I do think fictives can exist for people with DID. I mean, as a child, you may take comfort in a certain character, and that can definitely make them manifest as an alter. I do raise my eyebrows if the fictives are all from recent shows (especially Dr. Who and Supernatural, since they seem VERY popular for headmates). I’m not saying someone couldn’t develop an alter at an older age, because of course they can, but since DID manifests under the age of ten, most of them tend to come into being then.

I am wary of people talking about fictives overall, but I certainly do believe they exist.

the one with the final ever performance.

just writing this seems somewhat surreal. tonight was our final ever time performing ‘star-crossed’ and our final ever performance at mmu. it went very well (aside one mic mishap on my behalf) and the audience seemed to love it which was really reassuring. nancy told us how well we’d done and we all agreed the changes suggested yesterday were beneficial and altered well.

so, that’s it. the end of ctp, this blog and ‘star-crossed’. aside from all the disagreements, stressful rehearsals and blank moments, i’ve loved this project because it was with my best friends and we had fun! it was an enjoyable performance that made people laugh  and consider or society in a different light. pop culture is our entire society whether we like it or not, so making a piece about it and including should’ve been simple bit as you know, was not! 

to me, there are numerous questions this piece asks:

  • to what extent does pop culture rule our lives - how far are we willing to go to worship these icon?
  • what makes sections of pop culture acceptable? e.g. pornographic music videos are accepted as they are classed as ‘artistic’ - should children be aspiring to this?
  • is there an underlying threat to pop culture? e.g. amy winehouse, marilyn monroe, whitney all died tragically - possibly due to this whirlwind lifestyle/fame
  • is pop culture/fandom a cult of it’s own? we can quite easily link the jonestown cult to ‘beliebers’ and their disturbing group trend of ‘cutting for bieber’ 
  • will there ever be and end to pop culture? is it even a possibility?! when will we stop idolising people who give little to the world but reality television and sex tapes. 

what lies post-pop culture? satirically, i think that is what ‘star-crossed’ observes.

anonymous asked:

Thank you for your words... It's made me rethink some aspects but it still deems a fear for me. I'm wanting to stay as strong as possible - I've been off of self harm for a year, I rejected the offer to take anti depressants saying that I wanted to fight it off without me leaning on medication, but it just seems like such a long road. Everything is becoming rough and jagged and I felt so afraid. Thank you so much for caring. My last hope was this and I think you've helped me from harm. Thank you

Dear, it’s totally fine, but please think more about medication. I won’t pressure you further, but know that there is absolutely no shame in using it. It’s not just a crutch, but a life-altering tool that can make a world of difference. 


It’s cliche, but please remind yourself that your pain is valid and temporary. It won’t last forever. Sometimes the best coping mechanisms are a shower and/or a nap, or a walk around the block. There are alternatvies to self-harm, and if you’ve been clean of SH for a year, then you may already know of some by now (drawing, writing, cooking, sports, etc.). If not, it’s a good time to experiment by learning how to make a certain craft or draw a thing/person. Writing, especially poetry, narratives, keeping a dream journal, etc. is extremely helpful as well, as every piece you write helps instill even a small sense of accomplishment. The same rule goes for art as well. 

I’m always here, creeping on my inbox even if I’m not actively posting, so feel free to come back (on or off anon) if you ever want to talk. I believe in you, m’dear. You are so much stronger than you know and you will get through this. Never be afraid to reach out and ask for help, especially when you have this whole awesome community at your disposal who care about you and at very least is willing to provide support and love. <3

morethanprinceofcats it fits crazy loose at the top and my boobs kinda float in it. It looked so different when I first tried it on but the woman ordered me a dress almost two sizes too big because my chest is so large, which is stupid because im having to scalw it back two sizes, and I just got it back from the alterations place and he didn’t fix the chest.

I don’t feel good in that dress and it makes me miserable. I’d feel better if I hadn’t spent 200 dollars on it plus 40 bucks for alterations that didn’t fix it.

Website Evaluation.

I chose to use to create my website. I chose this site after talking to a friend at another university who also had to make a website for a project. He said that it was a great, easy site to use. This sounded great because I have no experience with building a website from scratch so it was helpful to find a site that was able to make the process much easier for me. On the website you are able to pick the type of website you wish to make, obviously I chose Photography. The website offered many different template to choose from. There were about 3 templates which caught my attention but finally chose one which was clean, visually attractive and easy to navigate. I was surprised at how easy the site was to use in terms of editing along with how much you can adjust and alter pretty much every single detail. 

I chose to keep my website relatively simple. I tend to find that when I do my work I need things to be structured and neatly assembled, such as sketch books, computer folders, portfolios etc. so my website soon followed that need to keep this tidy. Some may say having it so clean and neat perhaps doesn’t help represent my brand very well but I think in some way it helps enhance and reflect it more because there are no distractions from my imagery along with the fact that the website is very straight to the point, much like my work and myself. 

I wanted to keep what was on my site very minimal as well, I wanted to keep all the images in one place because I hate when websites have different parts all over the place. I decided to have all the work I wanted to show under one page. One of the reasons I did this was because it is very difficult for me to separate my work into categories, they don’t stereotypical fit under the average titles. 

I have a subtle colour scheme running through all of my pages and business cards of white, black and blue, white background, black main text, blue subtext. This is somewhat part of me starting to perhaps brand myself in that type of way as well. 

I chose to have my moving image on my contact page. I did this because I felt like it didn’t need to be showcased too very much because people would have already seen my work on my portfolio page. I chose to include it because I like when people have moving images on their sites and well as I wanted to have something on the contact page to keep it linked in with the rest of my site and still be all about me and my work.

I decided not to do an about page. I chose not to because I feel like I didn’t have anything worth while to put on there at the moment. I know that I could have put the typical ‘Hi my name is Kate, I go to Norwich University of the Arts and am studying Photography’ but I didn’t think that that was relatively. I chose to include a contact page because if anyone were to have any questions about me I would rather have them ask me personally than have some generic points about my life on a page. I also think not having this page reflects my brand more because having an ‘about me’ sometimes seems so insincere and forced which is not what I stand for or represent as an artist. 

I did not have the budget to get my own domain name for my website so am having just to publish my site through If I were to sometime soon buy my own domain name for my website I would want it to be I did some research into whether this site name is avaliable and it is. Having this domain name would cost me £11.98 for two years for and £21.98 for two years for .com

Overall I am very pleased with the outcome of my website. I think it looks professional, it is easy to navigate and it shows off my work really well in a sophisticated well laid out manner. There are things I would perhaps consider added in the future but for right now I think this site is perfect for where I am as a photographer right now in this moment in time.  

Day 9: 21 May, 2015

I am definitely getting good results with my new practice, but I have come to find that the pain I am removing from him is inflicting on me. I kind of figured there would be some repercussions and I also had a good idea that this would be it, but I did not expect it so soon. Oh well, at least I know I can relieve some of his pain.

Also, if I take pain medication to relieve myself, it gives it all back to him. So, he is okay while I am feeling his pain, but whenever I try to alleviate myself, it goes back to him.

Makes me wonder if I can take it from him and put it on someone else. There are so many shitty people that need to suffer his pain.

On a different note, I got gifted some nice pieces of fluorite and my lover just gave me a beautiful chunk of bismuth. More to add to my alter whenever I get home.

I have also decided that I wanted to start working behind the torch, blowing glass again. He finally managed to show me something that is not very hot to work with, has a lot of control, and is something I really want to work with. It is called bridgework. He has also informed me that bridgework pieces sell for a lot of money, so considering I want to make a life-size geometric human skull, I should be turning bank for this thing. I also really want to start working with sculpting whenever my hands get more steady because I figure that solid, single-color, realistic skulls would sell for a lot as well.

The knight is armed with a gun
Up for days I’m just having fun
Self medicate until there is no pain
Or until I’ve gone numb
Miss Novocain

I’m sorry I can’t come over
Slip out of my own consciousness
Does it feel any different
And the wrong me takes over

Gorgeous lines fix my illness
If I live to see you again
My eyes won’t be the same
Oh god I’ve messed up

I just have the sniffles
Please I’m not real sick
Alter the chemical compound
So I can give a shit

Don’t tell me I’ve had enough
I’ll decide how much to snort
Kid what are you doing
You’re not cut out for this sort
Keep your lies straight
The wind will blow you from your course

—  Blueberry Custard

oops my evil animu angel alter with 1000 bat wings for hair is going to front again 

looks like i can be a dick and not be blamed for it later



chanelbunnyy asked:

I can't imagine having it for that long :L I would appreciate it :) haven't heard of any grounding techniques and I've got exams right now which makes the derealisation so much worse..

I’ve kinda adapted, I guess. I dunno I reeeaaally hate it too, I’m really bad at this point. I very often will lose my grasp on the real world and just collapse because I’ve lost control of my body. Alright, so, methods that I know for depersonalization and derealization are a leeeeetle bit different from the other? But I’ve kinda just compiled them all here and you can take what you think will work for you, maybe alter some stuff to suit what you feel!

For me, mirrors are the first hassle. You often don’t recognize yourself, right? So, when I was not disassociating, I wrote down a list of all of my features so when I have time I review! 

Also for depersonalization, ahh… Okay, I fell down a bad path. It makes you numb. Don’t hurt yourself to get a grip, there are better methods. Try holding ice, or drinking something super hot. You can also do some stretched or yoga, slow exercise. Keep hydrated, and stay away from caffeine, because sugar rushes WILL make you disassociate VERY badly. Touch your skin, feel the ridges, feel everything there. Also, focus on the sounds and smells around you. My old therapist gave me a scent stick which helps when I’m out because it’s small! Put on some loud music and let yourself move to it, that helps me a lot! Whatever you do, pain will not help. Lots of people who disassociate turn to self-harm simply because as you know, it’s hard to feel anything. I’m telling you that it’s a bad idea and it won’t really help. 

Also, stress and shock will make you disassociate. Make sure to keep doing things that help you relax! Since you’re studying for exams, remember to keep taking breaks every 45-55 minutes and in the ten or so minute breaks, do something that’ll get you in touch with reality. 

Another problem I often have is the whole feeling like the word is 2-D. Very terrifying, sometimes feels like you’re standing on a ledge. For that, reach out, in front of you, and try to pat down your surroundings. Tell yourself that you are, in fact, awake. You are not asleep, that is your heartbeat in your body, your lungs pumping air through you. If you can’t convince yourself, what often helps for me is to ask a close friend if I’m awake. I find that it really helps! 

Washing your face can jolt you too. Try a facewash/scrub with a scent to it (apricot, green tea, ect) to bring all your senses in, and really focus on the feelings  to remind yourself that you are in fact, awake!

Also!! Reading really helps! Getting immersed in another world can really help for some people. For me, it doesn’t work, because I often have a lot of trouble focusing on books, but I’ve heard that this really helps for some people! For me, usually organizing my room or playing piano or really anything where I can focus a lot on something I ENJOY will help me even when I’m not doing it!

One INCREDIBLE tip that my old therapist gave me which REALLY helps is to just, buy some stickers, I got stars, and put them allllllll around you. Put one on your notebook, one on your desk, one on your computer, one even on your phonecase if that helps, on your wardrobe, in the car, anywhere! When you see that sticker/reminder, you will know that you are awake! This really really helps me out. It was initially recommended for anxiety, to help me breathe, but it works so much for this too!

Lastly, the best thing is to reach out to a therapist, counsellor, or doctor. Disassociation is not very well talked about which is seriously a shame because it can be a symptom of something serious if it persists. I’m not a professional, and again, these are just things that work for me, so reaching out to a professional can be very helpful. If it’s as serious as me where you’re falling over, they might be able to prescribe you medication to help you focus better. 

Also, one last thing: If you ever EVER need to come by my ask and just, “hey Shahed, am I awake?” PLEASE DO. I’m always here if you don’t feel in touch, I know how terrible it can be to be alone through that so if you need affirmation, I can provide that!

Shrptask12: Andrew

Andrew is a very biblical name; though it has been altered several ways, ultimately it comes from the Greek word for ‘man’, and means “strong” and “manly”. Andrew is very popular world wide, even being in the top 10 names for 2 decades. I think it’s applicable to me as a person, I believe I’m pretty strong both mentally and physically. Everyone’s concept of masculinity is different, but ‘manly’ works too. My mom named me; they both wanted a biblical name, I think they were set on ‘Isaiah’….  but you don’t really argue with a woman in labour, so she changed it to Andrew.

tonight i came home with tears still stuck in my eyes, and when my mom asked me why i could only respond to her questions in hushed, painful tones, all i could think to say was “i haven’t felt that much like myself in a very long time”.

few people understand how to love me; i’m different because the lines between platonically and romantically loving someone have always been blurred, and in the most beautiful ways.

some things happened in the past six months or so - bad things have happened and i chose to move past them in ways that have altered my personality. i used to love so easily.

not too long ago i was staring up at you from the floor, grabbing your hands away from my sides, and laughing with such genuine, relaxed happiness that i was startled into the uncomfortable realization that i hadn’t heard myself laugh like that in months.

Critical Reflection - Week 11, Or, ‘How Mad Men Changed My Life’

Disclaimer: This post may have slight spoilers, and not a lot to do with Uni.

I have left this blog post to Monday (rather than my usual Sunday) because one particular life altering event occurred today… Mad Men ended. I knew I would emerge the finale a different person, and thought maybe my blog would benefit from such a change.

I know that it sounds melodramatic, but I will be lost without this show. It has defined my life in a way I don’t think anything on the screen will ever be able to do again.

My attachment to this show and its characters stories is unlike anything I’ve ever known. This program is apart of me now, it has changed my view on life in so many ways (sexism, racism and elitism to name a few). And as much as I love all of the Mad Men characters - Roger, Stan, Pete, Betty, Joan and Sally - this show has only ever really been about two people for me… Peggy and Don.

From the first episode, we know Peggy is going to be something, and we know Don is going to help her get there. And through frustrations and triumphs the underlying thread between these two has always been the purest form of love two individuals could have for one another. There’s no hint of sexual/romantic feelings (which as Betty says to Don, “is the worst way to get to him”), and there’s no signs of a self-serving relationship in either character, it is just mutual respect so deeply embedded in understanding that it has planted roots and grown a tree of unwavering love. There is a reason Don called Peggy when he felt as if he was on the edge of complete destruction in the last episode, just like there was a reason she needed his strength and guidance to come back to work after having her baby. They trust one another, they do not judge one another and they care about one another selflessly. 

It is no question, therefore, that my two favourite Mad Men episodes are ‘The Suitcase’ in Season 4, and ‘The Strategy’ in Season 7 (Part 1). Both of these are so intrinsically wound by the relationship of Peggy and Don. Two of Mad Men’s best hours can only be attributed to the dynamic between these two. They disagree, they get disgusted, they are inspired and they are brilliant - together. Is it mentor and mentee, father and daughter coworkers, or friends? I think, in the end, it was best described as soul mates. As we hear their last conversation echo over the phone, Peggy makes the plea for Don to come home, and Don makes the overwhelming gesture of telling her exactly how badly he felt he failed, finishing with “I just wanted to hear your voice”. Perhaps this is what encapsulates their relationship. They feel as if the other is the only person who truly knows them, the only other person who understands and deserves to understand. They co-exist, it is hard to separate them. Don is not Don without Peggy, and Peggy is not Peggy without Don. They are soulmates, in the nonromantic sense of the word, and always will be.

Aside from my observations about those two, the finale of Mad Men was exactly what it needed to be. Realistic, without being devastatingly empty and open ended, without being a complete blank canvas. The cheesy moments (of which there are virtually none in the rest of the series) were necessary, they let it feel like an end while still letting it feel like Mad Men. I swelled with pride as Joan embarked on Holloway Harris (the only production company I want to produce any of my material from now on), I welled up with tears to see Sally cooking for Betty - who won’t let any illness stop her from smoking at her spot on the kitchen table, I cheered as Pete and Trudy got on the plane, I laughed as Roger and Megan’s Mother clinked champagne, I felt my heart pull as Peggy and Stan embraced and I nodded and smiled knowingly, just like Don, as the idea for Coke came to him on a Northern Californian cliff.

Thank you, Matthew Weiner.

Thank you, Mad Men.

so this is 10 years // I’ve been quiet. Thinking a lot. Thinking a lot about 10 years ago. Thinking a lot about now. Remembering a wedding day I wish had been different in a thousand ways and at the same time remembering a day the whole course of my life officially changed. Times were so hard and so dark and so lonely for me and Chris at that time. But after that day we were together. From sun up to sun down. Through the night. With a babe growing and kicking. I remember getting up to the alter that day and looking at Chris and laughing. Thinking…finally. The show we were putting on and all the hours crying and stressing about wedding details I didn’t much care about were behind me. It was finally the only moment we cared about. We told ourselves a lot about how different things would be in 10 years. How much better. We told ourselves this on dark, dark days. Through tears. And so as this milestone slowly approached over the last few months, to be honest, I’ve felt really sad. Things are not as great and wonderful as I had hoped they would be. We are working hard on this marriage to make it healthy and lasting. We are working hard to find our financial footing. Every day it just feels like the hardest day. And yet…we are simultaneously so in love with our boys and there are so many good days. Good days where we feel good about all the hard work because it’s obviously paying off. I had no view of a healthy lasting marriage growing up. Reaching this milestone is something I feel deeply proud of. I can’t believe Chris is still here. Because I’m not easy. Not at all. I can’t believe I’m still here. Because Chris is not easy. Not at all. But there is so much love. So much.

So while our wounds aren’t as healed as we wished they would be and our life isn’t as under control as we wished, we are working hard at seeing the good every day.

In 10 years we have seen job loss, career changes, 2 miscarriages, 3 beautiful boys, a few vacations, a lot of tears and a lot of laughter. Some nights all we can muster to each other, as we fall flat on our pillows, is a whisper…“…don’t give up” hey babe…so good so far right? #congratsifyoureaditall #furielovesbowman

kelofmindelan asked:

(I hope you appreciate my heroic restraint in not saying answer all the questions) 101, 89, 55, 44, 16

omg lins that is some hella impressive restraint, there. thanks for the questions, cutie <3333

101. (last time I) Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: I ran into a few people from middle school at prom, which was super weird, but also kind of nice in a few cases

89. Who makes you laugh the most?: Sarah, Lins, my sister

55. Your dream vacation: A trip through a few different countries in Europe that lasts several weeks 

44. One person that you wish you could see right now: my girlfriend

16. (favorite) book: lindSAY THIS IS A DIFFICULT QUESTION. shit son, probably Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. Honestly. that book altered my mindset for the better and its stuck with me through a lot, so if you haven’t read it then omg go do that