i realized that the reason i get so nervous about saying im otherkin is because i’ve internalized such bad ableism about it all
like when i was younger, like 3 or 4, i would pretend i was a dog all the time, and i would stim for hours on end, especially echolalial stims— in fact, im pretty sure reciting lines and scenes from movies and imitating tone and accents was how i learned to speak and use my own words! to this day i’m still really good at impressions and reciting things word-for-word with correct tone and inflections. it’s a bit of a useless talent except when it comes to acting, but i digress.
during that whole time when i was younger and just developing and not having to actively hide autistic behaviors and be shamed for them… i was happy. i was REALLY goddamn happy. practically all the time.
because i was doing things that i enjoyed, that made me feel good emotionally, mentally, and physically.
and then as i got older, especially in middle school, i began to realize that i was not normal nor did i feel normal. i figured out it was asperger’s syndrome and started going to therapy. i felt so SHAMEFUL about having autism, hating myself and everything associated with it. i joked about autistic stereotypes and tried to convince myself that im not the poor defenseless inspiration porn that everyone pitied. i was going to be as normal as i could.
behaviors still shone through, like having meltdowns by being overstimulated, having crying fits over seemingly small things, stimming in school (i forced myself to stop using echolalial stims in public after being ridiculed by it constantly in elementary school) and i HATED myself for it
i just wanted to be like everyone else. i saw autism as shameful, disappointing, life-ruining… all the stuff our media tries to make us believe that’s what autism is. functionally impaired and socially useless.
but now that im beginning to realize, it’s ok to be autistic, and ACT autistic, because there’s nothing shameful about my neurotype… it’s liberating, and im feeling good about having autism for the first time instead of making jokes to try and hide the embarrassment i had for my own self for years
so im trying to re-learn how to stim, and talking more to myself in private, echolalial scripting more often, tapping and rocking and flapping more… and letting myself feel happy. letting myself feel like part of me mentally is doglike is extremely comforting. dogs have always been one of my biggest special interests and they always comfort me and make me feel good about life. and to act like one and feel like one, to me, is absolutely liberating. i feel like im accepting parts of myself i hated for years on end. so i can be as happy and as comfortable and having FUN with myself as i did when i was a young little kid
so im trying now to not hide myself and repress myself or see who i am as shameful and embarrassing. it’s hard, especially considering i have major depression and severe anxiety that makes me dislike myself a LOT. but im going to try. i want to feel good again. i want life to be fun again. i want to have a good time being me.
and that is why i refuse to let anyone say that i am a freak, or stupid, or trying too hard, whatever. because guess what?
im not doing this shit for anyone but myself
i dont care if you think i’m crazy or whatever the hell you think i am
because what matters is that im trying to like who i AM
other people liking me is just a bonus
so if you have a problem with me being otherkin, or autistic, not-cis, anxious, pro-sj, or anything
dont waste your time on this blog, unfollow me if you have to
because god dammit
im going to make myself better again