my experiences with men

As a cis-male poly blogger, I think some people do look at my blog and ask if this is what their cis-male partner would do? They fear that I love Z more because that is what they fear would happen to them. 

What’s funny is that I have felt — because of my family history and as a Afro-Caribbean Latin@ — that I needed to write justify why I love Z. My needs, my processing, are to explain to myself and an audience that is not reading my blog why my relationship with Z is nothing like the infidelities of machista men (like my father). In my cultural experience, the worry isn’t that I’d leave Wife. I am a patriarch. That doesn’t happen. It’s not an option. The question — in my cultural experience — is whether/when I dispose of Z.  That isn’t happening. (Total “does not compute” error on either of those leaving them options!)

It seems that, by addressing my needs, I’ve tapped into the fear of people with a different cultural experience. Theirs is a world where the people playing the role of “Wife” fear having commitments broken, fear being loved less than someone else, and fear giving up sexual exclusivity. However, theirs is not Wife’s world. Wife has told me, “It’s ok if you love her more. I don’t fear it anymore.” Do I love one partner more? No. It’s actually a silly notion (as I’ve discussed) because each person is different and meets different needs. Their fears are not wife’s fears. So it’s not something I need to process, assess, practice in my writing.

Thus, not only is their fear not addressed here, but it is also self-fulfilling. The point of my recent reflection was that such fear would be as self-fulfilling for me as it would be for Z or Wife. We’ve chosen to reject those fears in our relationships. That doesn’t mean we won’t, on occasion, have to beat those fears back again. Fear can have a flare up!

These different perspectives are why I continue to answer these questions regardless of tone. Of course, that has a line. I think their aren’t more bloggers in my position, or who write as raw as I do, because it’s tiring to have people not assume best intentions, expect perfection, and want happy endings. My life, while on display, is not a sitcom. 

Oh and those asks, reblogs, replies, that offer advice — it is a very white / male / economic privilege to offer help where none is requested. I wish they would check that privilege before offering it up.  My preference is for readers to butt out. That’s in real life too. If I don’t ask for help, don’t offer it. (Z is the same way!) When I need it, I will ask. I’m an autodidact. I like to figure things out on my own.

Bottom line: reader — If you hate me, it’s ok. Just commit to reading and maybe you’re hate will dissipate. Several of you have expressed your gratitude for this blog. I’m also grateful for the reader support in this journey of ours. 

8

arya appreciation week ~ free day

8 of many themes explored throughout Arya’s arc

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4

know I’ve been talking about this nonstop ever since it happened. But here’s my Austin Carlile experience. 

It was the 3rd time I got to see Of mice & men live this year. The first time I saw them live was in Cologne in April, I met Alan, Aaron and Tino and got pictures/got to talk to them which is something I’m still so happy about. While Issues were playing, I had to sit outside due to a panic attack because there were many people, and I was feeling dizzy due to not eating anything out of excitement anyways. That was when Austin walked past me and gave me a “Hey, I’m sorry I’m in a hurry!” and rushed away. 

Then, I spent ALL my money and annoyed my friends and parents for ages to get to go to Rock Am Ring just to see them, I have bad anxiety when it comes to crowds and I was 100% sure I was going to stay out of crowds, but I actually pushed myself into first row and overcame the anxiety slightly for the 40 minutes they were playing.

Then, and now comes the most important of these 3, I went on a 5 hour bus and train drive to The Netherlands to a festival where I heard they were giving a signing, this was almost two weeks ago, June 14. I was so excited all morning, couldn’t eat anything at all, because I was finally going to see my Idol, and om&m again. After about 45 minutes of waiting in the line, the signing started. My heart beat faster than ever and I was actually shaking and felt sick. 

Phil, Tino, Alan and Aaron were lovely as always and I want to get this as short as possible and I’ll make a post about meeting the rest anyways, so Im going straight to when I got to Austin.

"Hi!" he said while looking into my eyes and my heart stopped beating for a second. I showed him my tattoo that I got of his handwriting, it’s off a note he wrote me that said "You’re not alone you’re with me"

He grabbed my arm and got so happy about it. Then I gave him the notebook I started doing for him, and he laughed about it because the cover said “LOST BOYFRIEND: If it’s you or you look similar please get in touch ASAP” And had a picture of him. It included alot of letters about personal stuff. He thanked me for it and put it down carefully. He then asked for my name, and I went “Michelle”. He signed my CD cover and said “Beautiful, that was my mothers middle name.” Stupid me, only found one answer to that which was “I know” I must of sounded like such a creep oh god.

Anyways then I did something which took me alot to speak out, I said “Thank you for saving my life” And he stood up and hugged me, and I will never forget this, and I will never get over this. He did it without having to, he hugged me and I was not only okay, but happy. I cried into his shoulder abit (still embarassed.) 

After the whole thing I had a emotional breakdown, and after that I stood in the first row of the watching place which was just infront of Austin. While hugging a girl, he looked at me, and I almost cried again. Then he did it again. 

When the rest were gone and most of the people were gone, Austin stood up and went “Who wants my monster energy?!” And this girl next to me went “me me me” and he had already almost given it to her until I realized what was going on and went “Hey me” silently because I knew it was too late.

Well, it wasnt. He looked at me, smiled and ended up giving it to me. 

Me and my friend had to get a hotel later because the trains don’t drive back to Germany after 11PM (we wanted to stay in McDonalds until the next train left which was 7am but it closed at 1AM) and in the hotel I actually cuddled with, yep, a monster energy can. I’m insane.

Yeah nobody will read this but I had to put it in here, and I need to say this again.

Thank you Austin Carlile for being the reason I’m still here at all.

8

The Bletchley Circle - 2x04 - "So, let’s try this code of yours.

It’s a good think Kevin said that he wasn’t being chauvinistic early on in his letter.

Phew. Dodged a bullet there.

vagimba reblogged your post vagimba reblogged your post I’m a woma… and added:

Breaking news, feminists can’t handle different opinions

I’m not talking about opinions, I’m talking facts.

This is exactly what I’m talking about.  Women talk about their experiences and the discrimination we face and we get told, “It’s just your opinion,” or “You’re making it a gender issue” and then get dismissed and ignored.

For women, he cold hard FACTS of our lives are just opinions for men.  My life, my work, and my experience are NOT just opinions, and to dismiss them as simple opinions is EXACTLY the kind of prejudice and discrimination that I’m talking about.  You’ve just proved my point for me, thank you!

Just thought of something

In 10th grade, I sat down in class and there was a boy who liked me. So he sat beside me and I don’t remember too much that was said. I always remembered being a shy girl (and I still am) and I was always too afraid to say “no” and “please stop.”  He took it upon himself to place his hand on my thigh and caress it. This was a blatant display of affection and I didn’t say no.

I was too shy, too nervous.

I did tell him at points that his hand was going too high. I wish I told him to not touch me, I wish I was stronger then. This type of shit is what gets me being forcefully kissed by married men at clubs, or grinding on me despite my all-too-calm protest. For those I said no, but for them it wasn’t strong enough, they had to keep trying to convince me. I told a man one time I was gay (I feel bad on it now, using the gay community like that) to get him to leave me alone, but he insisted on trying to “convert me” as he constantly rubbed his lower half over me.

I need to learn to tell men when they make me uncomfortable, with conviction. I end up never being taken seriously because I laugh when I am nervous. It is something I always done, laugh, or smile slightly. It is like when others get their palms sweaty, I laugh… and men think I’m being a tease. 

But I am not.

You’re making me uncomfortable. 

Please stop.

ginspegs; a (kind of) peggy/ginsberg fanmix [listen]

i. it had to be you now and the forevers / ii. relator pete yorn & scarlett johansson / iii. in the sun she & him / iv. a sunday kind of love etta james / v. the way i am ingrid michaelson / vi. secret heart feist / vii. come away with me norah jones / viii. wild love gossling / ix. whistle for the choir the fratellis / x. try a little tenderness otis redding

Veronica’s army: pilot!Logan vs. pilot!Logan

This is the drawing I sent to Jason Dohring with sweetamara, who btw was super kind waiting for me to finish pass the deadline.

Special thanks to lilamadison11 who was really sweet to look at this and assure me it didn’t suck when I was ready to give up.

There’s no strength left in the world of Men.

guys are so dumb, i’m sorry. i posted a selfie on a metal page i admin on facebook and i happen to be wearing my Mjölnir necklace. half the same people who LIKED AND COMPLIMENTED MY LOOKS AND HIT ON ME in the photo also liked a comment saying i was a poser and that i’m not actually Norse pagan.

do you see the hypocrisy or is that just me?

like, since i’m attractive, i have to be a poser and i’m not actually Norse pagan? like, i can’t be intelligent or believe in a religion because i’m conventionally attractive?