my bestsellers

anonymous asked:

what do you do for living?

I owned an escort business before that was shut down two years ago. I now sit back and receive money from the sales of my New York Bestseller novels “How Many Bandz Does It Take To Make Her Dance?” “Did Ms. Jackson Accept The Apology?” and “Who Is Marvin and Why Is Everyone In His Room?” in stores now.

                                         ”Have You Ever        

                                       had so much to say 

                              that your mouth closed up tight,

                         struggling to harness the nuclear force

                               coalescing within your words?

                                         Have you ever 

                                   had so many thoughts

                           churning inside you that you didn’t

                                   dare let them escape

                            in case they blew you wide open?

                                         Have you ever

                                   been so angry that you

                                 couldn’t look in the mirror

                            for fear of finding the face of evil

                                    glaring back at you?”

                                       - Ellen Hopkins

2

"There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful." - Hazel Grace Lancaster, The Fault in Our Stars

Video Preview: Sunnyside Salad

Feeling a little too burned out and/or lazy to cook? If so, you’ll love my easy-peasy Sunnyside Salad, featuring the crispy fried eggs (inspired by Smitten Kitchen and my mom) that I adore.

Video Preview: Sunnyside Salad by Michelle Tam http://nomnompaleo.com

Granted, I don’t have the recipe up yet (hey—I can be lazy, too!), but I managed to shoot a preview video that shows just how simple it is to throw together this anytime salad. Check out the video here:

Watch the video carefully, and you won’t really need my recipe, but I’ll post it soon anyway!

Looking for more recipes? Head on over to my Recipe Index! You’ll also find exclusive recipes on my iPad® app, and in my New York Times bestselling cookbook, Nom Nom Paleo: Food for Humans (Andrews McMeel 2013)

Hello Austin Texas!

It’s me, Jen Kirkman (from Drunk History, Chelsea Lately, @midnight, my bestselling book “I Can Barely Take Care of Myself,” The Tonight Show, Conan, Home Movies and more!)

I’m not going to write this in the third person. I’m taping a comedy special. I chose Austin Texas as the place to do it because the crowds that have supported me in Austin over the past two years have been unbelievable. And the North Door is my favorite place to perform.

So, I hope you’ll come to one of the or both tapings (they will be relatively the same). Sure, you might have heard some of this material before but you’ve never seen it while it’s being taped for a Comedy Special.

Hope you’ll be there. Let’s make history. I mean in general let’s make history in other ways. This will not be historic. This will just be fun.

Love,
Jen

SATURDAY JANUARY 31st.  Two shows. 7pm and 9:30pm.  Tickets $10

And they are on sale now!

SHOW #1 AND SHOW #2 TICKETS HERE

frauleinsarah asked:

Recently I've learnt (from Tatler), that there is a young socialite in UK called Isabella "Issy" Borman. And she is a fabulous blue-eyed blonde. WTF is going on here in Britain?

Strange unknown forces from other dimensions are in process of nazifying your country.
One day you’ll wake up and realize they’re waving swastika flags on every street corner and someone has built Auschwitz version 2.0 on your backyard. Your PM turns into a führer and people start greeting each other with “Heil Cameron”. In need of more Lebensraum, the government of the UK approves official expansion plans including acquiring every single Irish territory because NO OTHER NEIGHBOR COUNTRIES IT’S ALL YOU CAN RELATIVELY EASILY GET. Striped ties catch on again. Massive party rallies are held monthly in every major town. BBC broadcasts nothing but national socialistic propaganda. March music plays on repeat everywhere you go. Cameron’s new book “My Struggle” becomes bestseller in a heartbeat. Up in the skies a cloud takes on the shape of the swastika. Blinking lights and ancient Egyptians every-fucking-where. Chicken farmers, champagne salesmen and architects are appointed ministers or given other high-rank political posts. New laws require everyone to have “Britain Britain Über Alles” as their ringtone. Pretty soon the Nazi-UK is at war against basically every country. No one gives a flying shit about the weather forecasts and Stalingrad 1943 happens again. Stricter food policy is applied and people need to use ration coupons when buying some tea for daily afternoon rituals. Children are forced to take part in political youth organisations. Everybody wants DEN TOTALEN KRIEG.

….2333983930% this will become reality soon, strongly suggesting everyone to leave the country while you still can

My bestselling design to date: The Dentelle Slip, finely handcrafted from delicate French lace with silk binding, adjustable straps, and bow detailing.  Enjoy a daring evening in just this piece alone, or pair it over a favorite slip for fabulously unique cocktail attire!  Available online from Angela Friedman here.