mud-flaps

Welcome to Alcoholism

The thing they don’t tell you is how alcoholism and depression are connected.

What if the only time you could ever be yourself, the way you really imagined yourself, was the few minutes right before you blacked out.

Doing this isn’t going to be easy. Your loved ones will suffer, you will embarrass yourself, but you will finally know who you are. It will be the one part of your life you are not drenched in fear, trying to figure out which mask to wear. Imagine this behavior makes you finally connect with others. Imagine you spent the first 8 years of childhood with no real friends.

When no one knows who you are, you are like a ghost. You might as well not exist. It’s your biggest fear. Now then imagine its all gone. You can make friends, you can be nice to people, people notice you, you get to have sex, you know what it feels like to have people listen to you. You wake up in the morning and you are ready to get out of bed instead of laying there to terrified to get up. Sometimes you wake covered in food you dont remember eating. Sometimes you wake next to a tender, young, naked body. Someone you think you could start a life with, have a family. You could have a family. It doesn’t even seem real. You, the same person everyone used to laugh at. The person that used to make plans of how to kill yourself, only to stop because no one would miss you. Now someone wants to love you. They want the first thing they see in the morning to be your eyes. They want to look deep into them and laugh with you and not at you.

The basis of life is arguably relating to other people, and when you can’t do it, you feel like you are not real. When you realize you can do it, life has a purpose again, maybe for the first time. It’s better than when you played baseball as a kid and hit the game winning home run. It’s better than your birthday or Christmas morning, it makes you live in the moment and not your head. For the first time in your life you feel free. Now imagine if these feelings, imagine if there is something that keeps you from feeling them. There are a few people that say listen, you are never allowed to feel this way again. Remember that night when people loved you? Thats not going to happen again. You my friend (not a real friend) but you my friend are never allowed to feel that way again. Remember in second grade, when you made it through the year without having a conversation? That is how you are supposed to live. Remember when your best friend died and you were too scared to speak at his funeral? That’s how you’re supposed to feel.

Welcome to alcoholism. It is your new best friend.