Cows of Tarkir

If you’ve taken a high school economics class or just hung around the Internet long enough, you have probably seen some variant of the “You have two cows” joke. It’s a brand of satire created in 1930’s Chicago that humorously oversimplified economic systems by explaining everything in terms of a farmer with two cows. For example, fascism can be explained as, “You have two cows. You give them to the government, and the government then sells you some milk.” In the eighty years that the joke archetype has existed, it’s been used to explain all sorts of social phenomena. Today it’s my turn.

People often ask what the major differences are between the Khans of Tarkir clans and the Dragons of Tarkir clans. There are many changes that range from mana allegiance to species of leadership, and one could write a whole article about it. Or, one could just make “You have two cow” statements about them. Which is what I’m doing in a bit of light reading today. As a bonus, each statement will have a piece of Magic art altered by the acclaimed illustrator of Bad Draws, me.

Enjoy, folks!


You have two cows. You kill your enemy and adopt her orphaned cow. You summon your ancestors to help take care of it.


You have two cows. You send one out on a vision quest and try to milk the other one with your mind.


You have two cows. You kill them for not producing enough milk. You zombify one to plow your fields and the other to be a walking couch.


You have two cows. You eat one and ride the other into battle, earning your war-name of Moo Jockey.


No one owns the beasts of the earth. When you need milk, you track a herd of cows across the wilderness and only take what you need to survive.

The biggest shift between the two incarnations of the clans is that the reforged timeline has Dragons above everyone else. This provided an amusing opportunity to twist the structure of the joke in a way that certainly amuses me enough to maybe amuse you too.


Two cows own you. You have to take care of them, but they give you milk in return.


Two cows own you. They teach you how to moo like a cow, but not how to produce milk.


Two cows own you. They force you to pamper them and kill you when you make a mistake.


Two cows run through the wilds with you, trampling whomever gets in their way.


Two cows make you feed them hay. When the hay runs out, they eat you instead.

A Tale of Two Cows

I hope today’s humorous article helped cure those of you who have come down with a case of the Mondays. While it’s easy to get wrapped up in the fantasy world that Magic constructs, it’s important to remember that it’s just a game and it should be fun. And even if this is just satire, sometimes pithy summaries can reveal a lot of information about what these clans believe.

Until next time, planeswalkers, may your two cows bring you prosperity.


Magic: the Gathering - Modern Masters 2015

Ultra • PRO Modern Masters 2015 Edition offerings
Deck Vault, MSRP: $7.99, # 86256
sleeves for Magic, MSRP: $8.99, # 86255
Play Mat for Magic, MSRP: $21.99, # 86257

Magic’s European community manager, Dan Barrett being a bit of a tease with his Modern Masters 2015 booster box.  Each box contains 24 boosters 9each with 15 cards) and retails for around $200 to $250.

Vendilion Clique
Karn Liberated
Emrakul, the Aeons Torn
Etched Champion

All is Dust
Austere Command
Cryptic Command
Dark Confidant
Elesh Norn, Grand Cenobite
Fulminator Mage
Goblin Guide
Incendiary Command
Iona, Shield of Emeria
Kozilek, Butcher of Truth
Mox Opal
Noble Hierarch
Primal Command
Profane Command
Splinter Twin
Tezzeret the Seeker
Ulamog, the Infinite Gyre


Magic: the Gathering - Qal Sisma

Qal Sisma
From Planeswalker’s Guide to Khans of Tarkir, Part 2
The mountains that the Temur inhabit are not monolithic in nature. This region is more like a very high plateau that has been heavily eroded by rivers here and crumpled up by seismic activity there. The result is a deeply wrinkled, scarred landscape—much like the people who live there—with isolated, jagged peaks. The basic rock structure is old granite with a variably thick layer of sedimentary rock deposited on it during a period of glacial melting that covered much of the plateau with a shallow sea. When the climate cooled again, the waters receded and seismic action accelerated the process of petrification. The range now has numerous caves in areas covered by limestone, as well as unusual shapes formed by tumbled rocks, which are sometimes exploited for shelter or as areas of shamanic worship and meditation.

Qal Sisma Behemoth, Dragons of Tarkir Uncommon | Art by Evan Shipard
Winds of Qal Sisma, Fate Reforged Uncommon | Art by


Animated card of the day – 04/28/2015

Dark Confidant (Ravnica, City of Guilds)
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Tomorrow’s animated card features a scene from Masters of the Universe. Can you guess which card will it be?

You may also want to check my Table of Contents

  • Artist: David Martin
  • Card Name: Ward of Bones
  • Card Number: no 174
  • Card Text: Each opponent who controls more creatures than you can’t play creature cards. The same is true for artifacts, enchantments, and lands.
  • Community Rating: 3 to 3.99
  • Converted Mana Cost: 6
  • Expansion: Eventide
  • Flavor Text: Mages dare not attempt magic in its grotesque presence.
  • Mana Cost: [6]
  • Rarity: Rare
  • Types: Artifact