Mrs. Robot Gets Real
A little history:
I’ve had boyfriends before, I’ve even loved someone before. But that love was tainted. The first boy that I gave my heart to, did everything for, ran back to every time he left, was the boy that broke my heart the most. I gave him everything, he knows everything about me, and he constantly broke my heart. The first time he cheated on me, I was extremely upset. I broke things, I punched things, all I could constantly think about was “Why? What did I do wrong? What is he looking for that I can’t give him? Why did this happen?” I was in a depressed state for the longest. We broke up of course, but he asked, begged, for me back. The fact that he was begging me to be in his life was a sign to me that he realizes he messed up and he’s hurt that I left him blah blah blah. So I took him back. I thought I was “The One” in his eyes. We were good, then BAM once again, he betrayed my trust. I had no faith in our relationship any longer. I still took him back though, over and over and over and over again. I thought just maybe, there’s a little ounce of kindness in his soul that he could find and stop doing this to me. I kept thinking “This time will be different, it just has to be.” I was wrong, and I was hurt countless times. We eventually became official exes. Soon after the break up I started dating again. EVERY SINGLE GUY after my ex seemed to be a douche bag. They’d cheat on me, talk down to me, make me feel useless. I’ve had horrible experiences dating wise. I honestly believe my past has a massive effect on who I am today and my relationship with Nigel. A lot of problems our relationship has faced has been caused from certain events in my past.
Here’s the truth about the way I
One of my exes cheated on me with someone because I wouldn’t have sex with him.
- I feel if I don’t have sex/give oral with a boyfriend when he wants to, he’ll either cheat on me or leave me. I don’t like feeling pressured into doing something I don’t want to do, but there are times when I feel like I don’t do them, my significant other will get up and walk out.
Confession: I did have sex with one other person after my ex I loved. For the reason that I thought he’d leave if I didn’t and for the reason I was really vulnerable from my big breakup. Guess what, he still played me.
One of my exes cheated on me with an ex girlfriend and they fell in love.
- I feel if a boyfriend of mine is good friends and starts hanging out a lot with one of his exes, soon they’ll rekindle that fire and feelings for each other will erupt. I never used to be the jealous type, but I do get scared. I get scared that I’m not good enough for a boyfriend of mine to stop caring about his past, when I want to be so great that he won’t look at any other girl the way he looks at me.
One of my exes would update his statuses about how amazing the girl he was cheating on me with is! (The sad thing is I believed him every time he said it’s just his best friend/cousin)
Example Status: Shaquanna (fake name) is the best girl ever! She really knows how to make a man smile. I love her!
This also clashes with another ex who cheated on me because he was trying to keep me a secret (from his other girlfriend[s]). He didn’t put “In a Relationship”, he never wrote any thing about me on his profile even though I’d do it plenty of times for him.
- Once again I feel “ungood” enough. I felt worthless. Especially with the first guy, he was so proud to show off the other girl but with me, I wasn’t worth it? Isn’t that what we all want to feel - like we’re worth something? The second guy, I hated feeling like I had to be hidden. He’d tell me things like “I’m not comfortable with everyone knowing I’m in a relationship, my friends would rag on me, but believe me I wish I could.” I accepted that. I understood some guys were uncomfortable with this kind of thing. I accepted it until I!! put him in a status on Myspace and some girl flipped out on me when she signed on to his profile. I want to feel like I’m the most amazing thing in my guy’s life. I want to be bragged about. I want the world to know I make him happy, when I see people bragging about their spouse I get envious because I know they feel like their amazing. I just want to be bragged about, just a little, who doesn’t right?
The last one I’ll share because it was relevant to the problems that have occurred in my relationship with Nigel is the female friend thing. Now don’t get me wrong, I feel it’s perfectly fine when a guy I’m dating has female friends, because I have male friends as well. But I do get uncomfortable and Nigel noticed. This one is pretty predictable, the guy had many girl friends which were actually many girlfriends.
- I just want to be in a relationship where I can trust my spouse 100% but if he’s going to go behind my back AFTER I’ve given my trust to him, how should I feel? When you break someone’s trust of course you feel horrible. But when its your trust that’s been broken, you feel like it’s the end of the world. You gave that person your trust, you took their word, and there’s no going back.
None of these stories are about Nigel, and believe it or not these aren’t all the stories. But I feel like people should understand why some girls/guys are skeptical during relationships. Their past has huge effects on them so it’s hard for people to let their guard down. I also want Nigel to understand the exact reasons some of our problems arose. I apologize for bringing them into the relationship more than once, but I just can’t apologize because I did. I can’t control what my mind has been negatively constructed to think. BUT Mrs. Robot is getting better. I started testing myself, asking myself questions, realizing Nigel is different, Nigel ISN’T those guys.
So people in relationships, yes sometimes your past can be repeated but then there is someone out there who will help you gradually forget that past. Remember, the people you’re in a relationship with now ISN’T the people you were in a relationship before. You have to go with the flow and see if he/she can truly be the one.