The letter I’ll never send.
I’m all sorts of emotionally fucked up. I don’t sleep right because my past is a horror show. I don’t open up because I don’t know how to speak of them. My life is a seesaw of good days and bad days. I am an imperfect man, and more often than not, I believe most people are better off without me. But I am not an awful man. I am an honest man. I am a man who does nothing but support and love and go above and beyond for the people I love. As much as I wish I could be, I am far from vindictive. And if I have ever loved anyone most, it was you.
You were the one that I loved hardest and fell hardest for. You were the one person I truly believed would never break me, and you did. I could never hurt you the way you hurt me. I could never say or do the things you said and did. I just could never. It’s so fucked up. You, by far, are the lowest I have ever been. I’ve never wanted the world to end as much as I did the day you decided to invalidate me. To invalidate our entire relationship. To taint my morality, my integrity as a person. When you were the one who I woke up for every morning. Who I fought my demons for. You were the one that told me I was a good man, despite all the things I thought of myself. And then one day you decided to say that I was all the things I fought so hard not to believe about myself. You and your family called me nothing short of a monster. I had no voice. No chance. And here we are, almost a year later and there is a resounding “How could you?” ringing in my heart. It echoes in my sleep. It shadows every “I love you” that leaves my lips. How could you? I trusted you. I respected you. And even today, I try so hard to hate you and I can’t. It’s all exhausting. I don’t know how to love without feeling the pain of your retreat. You could have called. You could have written all that you needed to say. But you didn’t. You didn’t give me the respect that I deserved, after all that we’d been through. You didn’t ask me anything.
I am imperfect. People who don’t know me, believe me to have the perfect life. And people who do know me, believe me to be stronger than I am. But I am a human being, with feelings. And I don’t pour all of my energy into a relationship for it to go sour, the way that it did. I lost in you, my best friend and the person I was sure I would spend the rest of my life with. I have spent almost a year climbing an emotional mountain, trying to be happy. Trying to move on and not give you another thought. Almost a fucking year.
It took you what? A month? A month to decide that I was no longer the love of your life. That I was a horrible person. My best friend in the world, that’s what I got from you. A slap in the face. A stab in the back. You ripped out my heart. How could I ever trust anyone again? It seems I will always be a mess, and I am truly sorry for that. But just because I am a mess, doesn’t make me a horrible person. It means I need to heal, and I’ve been doing that, however slow. It’s a shame you never saw it that way. But I am glad you are happy, truly. It’s all I ever wanted.