You’ll have to excuse the lack of focus because babies, but I instantly fell in love with this picture as soon as I took it and couldn’t wait to share. This is me. This is me without filters or “”flattering”” angles. This is who I am and what my body looks like.

I was fat originally, or chubby at least, but having two Cesareans and carrying two 9 pound babies to term within two years can change a body. The stripes on legs and tummy, and rippled epidermis were written by Mylo. August carved his name into a more pronounced double chin and stripes that go from navel to breast. My skin is riddled with scars and cellulite and stretch marks. It has been a battlefield; my flesh and fat has felt smacks that cracked in my ears like a whip and stood up against the soft touches that it never consented to as a confused child. 

My body is fat. I am fat. And I have never loved or respected myself more. The number of my pants size has never been this high, nor has my self esteem. I know that I am beautiful. More so, I know that I am loved and intelligent and kind and understanding and worthy of good things. 

I love this fat body, and I will do so in the most pronounced, unapologetic ways I can muster.  

4

I’m finally off on a snow day.  I’ve been wanting to go out on a snow day with Miles and take pictures or family photos at that.  It’s just Miles and I today.  It’s cold and his cheeks and nose turned red too quick and I got nervous.  I usually overdress him, in fear that cold will make him sick.  Asian state of mind! Anyways, he snuck out his hands and I was yelling, “no, no, don’t touch the snow.”  Overboard right?!  I went over and his hands were cold as expected.  I wanted to go back inside and I saw a lady come out from our building.  I asked her if she could take a picture of us and she’s said okay while continuing to ask about him.  Finally, she snaps two quick photos and I immediately ask if it came out good.  She said, “SURE!”  With so much confidence, but in actually she just effortlessly snap these photos.  Sure enough the first one of us is blurry and the second one with my head cut off.  I mean seriously, EVERYTHING TIME I ask someone to take a picture of Miles and I, it does’t come out good.  How hard is it to snap a decent photo.  Just center the subject.  That is is!!!  It’s not rocket science.  My cameras are not that difficult to use.  The auto focus pointer has already been set to the middle.  It can’t be my “difficult” cameras, because even when someone takes a photo of us on our phone or their phone its still not good. UNREAL!  So frustrating

fuji x100

Babywearing is about more than just the pretty carriers

As I’m writing this, I have a 2 month old wrapped against me.  His little head is resting against me, and he’s dozing quietly.  I can feel his little chest moving up and down, and I can hear him snore softly.  If I told you that just 10 minutes ago he was inconsolable, screaming his head off like someone was trying to murder him, you’d probably be shocked.

Today has been a very trying day.  My two older boys have been on my very last nerve.  They’ve made it their job, no, their mission, to fight me about everything.  All day long they have done nothing but quite literally demand things from me!  Apparently my oldest thinks he can boss me around like he’s the adult, which is news to me.  Earlier he told me I better give him his game back or I’d go to time out, and he started counting down!  ”3…2…1…, okay mommy, go to time out!”  Uh, no kid, sorry, that’s not how things work.  Guess who ended up in time out?  Obviously not me.

My 2 month old has had one of those “I’m gonna scream my head off for a bottle, spit half of it up, then scream for more” days.  Bath time rolled around and the second I set him down in the swing, he started with the screaming.  I’m talking the kind that get your neighbors contemplating calling CPS type of screaming.  So I told my other two to get undressed and ready for the tub, threw on a wrap, swooped up the baby, got him in snug, and put the other two in the bath.  After a few minutes of getting him to calm down, he was out.  I could finally breath easy and stop pulling chunks of hair out of my head.

In this moment, I took a step back and appreciated the moment for what it was; me snuggling my baby while I had free hands to bathe my rambunctious kids.  In this moment, it doesn’t matter what kind of carrier you’re using.  The price doesn’t matter.  The style doesn’t matter.  The name brand doesn’t matter.  What matters is that you’re creating a memory that you’ll cherish forever.

As a new babywearer, it’s so easy to get caught up in the hype.  ”Oh look at this wrap!”  ”This carrier is so cute!”  ”I have to try this brand!”  ”This one is expensive but so gorgeous!”  ”I don’t feel like a real babywearer unless I own this many wraps”  I spend 99.99% of my internet time browsing B/S/T groups, looking at wraps and carriers that are way out of my price range.  I try to talk myself into buying one or two “Well, if this person will take payments, I can totally get it!”  I nearly did that today, even though I literally just bought a new wrap this morning!  I stopped myself, and I’m glad I did.

My point is, try not to loose sight of what babywearing is all about.  I’m new to it, 2 months to be exact, and I wish I did it earlier.  Not for the wraps, but for the memories, for the quiet little moments that babywearing creates.  The bond that you make while wearing your little one is something you’ll always remember, not what brand of wrap/carrier you were wearing at the time.

- Misty

Wyatt Man,

You turned 15 months old a couple of days ago, so I thought it was time for another letter, documenting your interests these days. You continue to be the happiest baby in the world, thankfully.  You rarely have a rough day and are showing us more and more of your personality.  Two things are clear: You are very smart; and 2. You are going to keep us very busy with your silly antics. 

You already have a love of defying all rules, and getting into things you are not supposed to.  You love to climb into every single chair that we own, and you especially love to stand in them.  Now I know from experience that the best way to make a baby your age stop exhibiting a specific behavior is to ignore you, but when it is a safety issue, unfortunately, we are unable to ignore it.  This means that we are constantly telling you to sit on your bottom, and you are laughing at us and relishing in the attention we are giving you. Needless to say, I don’t think you will stop chair standing anytime soon. 

You are SUCH a big fan of your brother.  You love nothing more than playing with him and receiving attention from him.  You have finally started defending yourself against him too, though. In the past, you would gladly give up your toys to entertain him, but now, if he tries to take one you scream and take it back.  I am proud of your for finally sticking it to him. He isn’t too thrilled with this development, though.

You are really into mickey mouse, boots, and food in general. You enjoy putting on your snow boots and stomping rapidly.  You hate diaper changes. You are still an amazing sleeper.  

Overall, you are still the biggest angel babe in the world, and you make me want to have 19280232 more babies just like you…but you keep me very busy, chasing you around, so you are most likely it for us, kid.  

We love you!

Mom.

Sorry for the blurry picture. Our typically night ends at 9pm when I’ve given him his last milk feeding for the day. I usually burp and put him down as soon as I think he’s fast asleep. A lot of times these days he’s still not fully asleep but it’s okay. I put him down anyways and he’ll fall asleep on his own seeing that I’m right next to him. I stopped rocking him to a deep sleep. Tonight, I held him with his head on my chest and I thought let me hold him for a few more minutes. Seconds later he smiled in his sleep. Melt my heart. Brings me back to his newborn self. Hence the picture above. Plus it’s throwback Thursday. It’s Thursday right?

Taken off my phone. Auto focus didn’t work that time around. :/

8

Dolce and Gabbana RTW

While repetitive, D&G’s decadent use of lace embroidery, regal furs, and plush, velvet rose embellishments undoubtedly had viewers lusting after each piece that came down the runway. The brand’s ode to motherhood (several models paraded down the runway with their children in tow, and a handful of pieces were inscribed with love letters to “mamma”) was endearing and unexpected, although a several prints inspired by children’s drawings eventually proved too literal an interpretation of the theme. 

Just To Let Y'all Know

- It’s perfectly okay to want to be a stay at home Mom. That’s an awesome job; don’t let people talk down about it.

- If you don’t drink, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. You’re not less mature or grown up in any way.

- If you’re a man who wants to have a wife and a family one day, that doesn’t make you any less of a man. Sharing your life with someone is a beautiful thing.

- If you want to wait for marriage, bless y’all.

- If your friends are a bad influence, don’t feel bad to seek something better.

- Watching pornography does NOT make you more of a man (quite the opposite actually)

Sometimes society glorifies things that can be so wrong and you question your own character and insecurities in the process. Gods got your back, don’t be worried. Love y’all.

"mommy, i love you"

i never thought my three year old would understand the importance of self-love more than i do. he wanted me to sing his little chant with him “mommy, i love you. caleb, i love you”. i started by just saying “caleb, i love you” over and over as he said “mommy, i love you”. until he stopped me… “MOMMY! MOMMY, NO! you need to say mommy, i love you. you need to love yourself, not just me”

woah. my three year old floored me. why was it so hard to repeat “mommy, i love you” with him? why was it so hard to say i loved myself? i’ve always had self-esteem issues, i’ve always felt unworthy of love… but he was right. i needed to love myself, not just everyone else.

Ermagahd…

I’m home alone. My mister took the munchkin to his grandmother’s house before work. So it’s just me, in a house, all alone.

I literally stood in my kitchen, spinning circles, tryna figure out what to do. Wash dishes? Make a proper fucking breakfast? Vacuum? Lie down and binge watch something other than television geared towards preschoolers? Go in my bathroom and take a million freakin selfies? TAKE A NAP FOR AS LONG AS MY BODY DAMN WELL NEEDS?!?!

Pretty sure I found the winner with that last one. Edit: take off my clothes and take a nap, naked… oh my god, I’m so comfortable.

I’m overwhelmed, in a positive way.

I forgot how nice it is having space to myself, in the comfort of my own home. *big sigh*

The mister and I have been looking at larger homes to try to move into this summer. This place is not working for us anymore.

i promise that when i become a mother i will be patient, understanding, and endlessly supportive of anything my child does. i’ll never make them feel like wasted space or hold their mistakes above their head. i will never compare their journey to any other kid’s journey in life.  i never want them to be consumed by crippling anxiety whenever they hear my footsteps. when they think of me, i want nothing but complete warmness and love to overcome them. in a world full of uncertainty and darkness, i want to be the one person that they can find refuge in. 

i want to be everything my parents weren’t while i was growing up because god knows how much better i could have turned out if my parents were this way. 

One of the greatest gifts to come out of this beautiful project has been the ability to work with so many amazingly remarkable women.

I personally needed to hear these words today and hope they resound with some of you as well. <3 

http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/katrina-swanson/ #4thtrimesterbodiesproject #fourthtrimesterbodiesproject #4thtrimester #fourthtrimester #postpartum #breastfeeding #childbirth #bodypositivity #stopcensoringmotherhood #motherhood #bodypositive #everybodyisbeautiful #pregnancy #birth #4thtriaffirmations