I’ll always remember how we met.
How a mutual silence is all we shared.
How that turned into an awkward acquaintanceship.
I’ll always remember when you started staying up just to talk to me.
How late nights held laughs and tears; both yours and mine
How we cracked open our sternums to exhibit our hearts; as they were.
They were cut, dried, bruised, hardening, but still big and still beating.
I’ll always remember how we were always going to guard each other’s back.
How we convinced ourselves it was you and me against the world.
How I told myself that this was love.
I’ll always remember how ignorant that thought was.
How I morphed a unreal image of you to hold up to my eyes and convince myself that this was a path I was going to take.
I’ll always remember when you said we weren’t meant to be.
I’ll always remember how venomous I became.
How I pointed the finger at myself and shouted “victim”
How I morphed the tale that you were the oppressor; denying me a right.
How my words were hot bile spat at you, burning you.
You began to push away, with good reason. The right reasons.
Yet, I still was childish.
I’ll always remember how I would gesture at knife in my back that I could not see.
While you turned from me and I ignored a blade in your spine.
Deep in it with guess who’s fingerprints.
I’ll always remember how I became the person you and I sought out to protect from one another.
How you were no longer a friend but villain in my blinded eyes.
I will always remember the day you said “no more”
I will always remember the silence.
How that silence became a demon I conjured.
How the taste of alcohol was honey.
How refusing caution was a way I could gather your attention.
I will always remember how dry heaving over toilets became a ritual.
How self destructive behavior was no longer taboo.
I will always remember how I would have to be dragged in order to live.
I will always remember how I got over it, let my sadness turn into rage turn into peace.
I will always remember that it was me
I was oppressor
I was the villain
I shot out venom
I drove you away
I did this
I will always remember that you’re better off without me
I will always remember. I don’t deserved to be absolved.
You never deserved it. Any of it. All of it.
I don’t want forgiveness because what I did to you, what I took from you. Was unforgivable.
I will always remember who I was.
I will always remember that is who I hate.
I will always remember not to do it ever again.
I will always remember you.
I will always remember my sins.
I will always remember.