Slow and painful everyday, no matter what the forecast displays, regardless of everything (but this) going my way… there’s no escape, for you live in every ounce of my existence… I still remember our utter disbelief in the beginning, and there was no understanding of an ending…as we watched the moon slowly drown in honey on that night of ecstasy and honest confessions from the truth serum we know as divine intervention. There was no other explanation other than that this… was how it was supposed to be, meant to be… every single nauseating love cliche of a quote made perfect sense as our energy resonated every soul within our vicinity, eyes green with envy and hearts filled with hope that this was indeed NOT of this world, but a gift from God… because a love like this is unfathomable to the human soul, and is clearly forbidden in a world so broken… or was this a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing? Because now I am here screaming to the sky, asking God WHY?? Why even create this pathetic existence if everything is just a tease.. i curse this intuition for deceiving me ever so cunningly, how could I NOT believe when the essence of your soul coincided with my existence of being? And this is real talk, not talking in terms poetically, but u even wished upon a shooting star that an educated, genuine, pretty lady would come into your life and would also be immersed in hiphop culture, but what were the odds of that? “Yea right” u thought to urself, and then we met 2 weeks later, “Hi I’m Esther, my name is actually Persian and it means star…” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And God knows how long I’ve been longing for a significant other that shared the same passions and humor as mine… this, that, and a hundred other reasons is the reason why we believed our love to be divine… intervention. We used to freestyle at all the parties and everyone would be in awe, jealous because we had it all, not only on that soul connection tip, but the physical attraction was enough to make anybody fall in love. I still couldn’t believe somebody like you would even pursue me, and you couldn’t believe somebody like me would even give you a chance… u took a first glance and assumed I was nothing more but eye candy, then got to know me and discovered I was soul ecstasy… every piece of new information we learned about each other initiated an explosive mind orgasm, almost impossible to fathom this manifestation of this word called fate. On that first date, you wrote in my book of rhymes saying “You’re the realist girl I’ve ever met” and that to me, was the best compliment a woman can ever get, not to mention that a shallow buster would never even be able to recognize that. I told you, that you would be the last man I would ever love, mark my words. We had nearly everything in common from music to food, passions, perspectives, humor, pet peeves, culture, and best of all, we both shared aspirations of one day becoming a rapper… I was your push to shove to your dream within months, but MY heart had to shatter.. only then I was able to finally write in bars 2 1/2 years later, pain and agony have always been the source of my creativity, hence this poems subject matter… and I’m cursing myself to WHY do you still matter??? But this is no petty bullshit.. this is the loss of the best thing I’ve ever had, or a priceless gain from ridding my life of what we call “Love” which in actuality is a twisted fuckin game. I must be insane to even be writing about you, to think that I even had any good memories to spare, because the very thought of you usually overwhelms me with pain and despair… but desperation finds means to comfort, and I have been suppressing this long enough, it’s about time I write about it n’ stop frontin like I don’t give a fuck. Truth is, people end up not giving a fuck because they give a fuck too much. A natural painkiller for the mind… but it’s still there. And I’m numbing this pain with these words, transforming negativity into creativity is what I live for. 6 in the morning and I still have not slept since wednesday night… my mind will not let me sleep until I complete this duty of mourning over this death.. heartbreak is such an understatement, this is 3rd degree murder… As I painfully watched your love slowly slip through ur fingers, sinking into the ground 6 feet under to reside where it belonged with the dead others. Slow and painful are my days on the daily, theirs no escaping, my very existence keeps memories of YOU persistent, how can u blame me? I want someone to save me, but no one ever comes close.. its been a while now… yet my hearts still broke.. I concentrate on all the bad so I can hate you instead… but love and hate are the same, they both tear u to shreds, like all our pictures and letters I ripped apart wishing u were dead. No rebounds for me, I don’t even care for men.. n now i wonder if this has traumatized me enough to turn lesbian?! REAL TALK, I have never been around more guys than I am now, heavy in two scenes that are saturated with them… attraction is there, but nothin ever happens. Well, u only live once so I guess I’ll go find myself a woman. LOL… unfinished will continue later..