misc1

MISCELLANEOUS SENTENCE STARTERS
  • “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
  • “When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”
  • “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
  • “Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.”
  • “Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
  • “Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”
  • “I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit.”
  • “If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”
  • “Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.”
  • “A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
  • “If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.”
  • “Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!”
  • “I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.”
  • “You know what I like most about people? Pets.”
  • “That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
  • “Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?”
  • “What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.”
  • “The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.”
  • “I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist.”
  • “I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.”
  • “Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.”
  • “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
  • “I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.”
  • “You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!”
  • “You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”
  • “Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.”
  • “You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”
  • “If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around.”
  • “Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”
  • “Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”
  • “I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.”
  • “Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.”
  • “I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.”
  • “Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.”