The year was a year of change for the Fin. The wounds from a fight years passed had scarred over and left nothing but a painful memory. Like most of his wounds as well, it hadn’t healed properly and wouldn’t he felt. Ever. Not unless something was changed.
Change was in the air all around. His people had begun to cry for justice to be done against their Soviet oppressors. Finland hadn’t wanted to point out to his boss that this was the path he had insisted Tino take.
Ivan and him had gotten into another fight over controlling his people. The riots and civil unrest was becoming a nuisance for the communist. He said the next time any signs of defiance were shown, he would be made to pay the price. This promise he did not doubt. That was what had drove him to do this. He knew a fight with Russia was inevitable. He was not certain if he could handle another war by himself but it had to be done. In this case he wanted to be able to say that if he should perish he had done everything he could to repair the state of his broken heart. The truth was it had not been fixed. Not since the Swede’s words ripped it to shreds. His hand shook as he wrote the letter and ink splotched at certain parts of the parchment like tear drops. How was he supposed to re-approach him after years of stubbornness?
He didn’t dare put a return address or sign his name with anything but a well written cursive T as a sign off so he hoped he would remember … had Berwald just moved on? He sighed in a lonely manner. Norway. He’d tried to replace him but heard that fell apart too. Was Sweden at least happy? He couldn’t know until he started writing …
I’m sorry I haven’t contacted you before.
Every time I tried no words came, only hurt from what I could remember.
I was unreasonable in some of the things I said but you pushed me and I had to push back to feel as if I was still alive after that … what you put me through …
Listen. I don’t care how you feel just listen.
I can’t forget you. I can’t bring myself to hate you and contrary to your beliefs I didn’t ever hate you before. I was only angry. Now I am lonely, tired and struggling.
Even if you still feel as you did before, answer me.
Put me out of my misery. I can’t go on without you telling me how you really feel and if you really didn’t feel the same as me.
I still care about you. I don’t know how to let you go. If you don’t feel the same, teach me how to not care. To not feel anything because all I feel right now is torment when I think about you.