Guys, I seriously had the biggest breakthrough moment.
I’ve always suffered from depression since about 7th grade year up until this point (I’m a senior in high school). Every day got worse, the thoughts got worse, except for every now and then when I distracted them with physical pain…. And then (8t grade/freshman yr-beginning of junior yr) fagnugget came along and made my depression skyrocket.
I was scrolling through twitter earlier and I came across this poem of this girl talking about how her boyfriend sends her flowers the day after an argument. But except the argument turned to abuse and the last set of flowers she received was at her funeral.
Within microseconds of reading the last words, I had instant flashbacks of the worst relationship I was ever in. Stuff I barely remembered because I was too drunk, was refreshed. For a split second it felt like I was back in those situations, and I broke down and ended up having the biggest panic attack I’ve ever experienced.
~I know some of you are reading this like “that’s dumb, why would you freak out over a past relationship?”. I know, I understand it’s in the past. But it was the biggest emotional influence from my past. I let him physically, mentally and emotionally abuse me for three and a half years, because I loved him and honest to God believed I deserved it. I would never share any of the horrid things he did/said but let me tell you what, that shit was terrifying. Don’t let not understanding stop you from helping someone, because I promise there is someone that you at least see daily that is getting physically/mentally/emotionally abused.~
In the middle of freaking out and not being able to breathe, something came out of me. Not physically but mentally/emotionally. I started to talk myself into calming down, and reminding myself that it was in the past, he’s nowhere near me and that I was okay. It took me a solid hour to actually get myself to calm down and catch my breath.
Then it hit me. I’ve been holding the biggest grudge against him, every chance I got I talked down upon him. I wanted to light him on fire and feed him to a tank of diseased sharks. In that moment, I chose to let go of all of the anger and hatred. As much as he hurt me in the past, I’m able to make peace with it…. And I heard about how shitty he’s doing and his new girlfriend looks like a 5 year old boy. So, I’m pretty sure karma will get on his ass sooner or later.
I’m just proud of myself for talking myself out of what could’ve been a really bad, emotional night and made it into something beautiful. I was being rushed with so many emotions that didn’t help my depression, I could feel it escalating very rapidly. I took control, and told myself that I wasn’t allowing my depression to take over and have that situation escalate (with how sensitive it’s been this year, it would have). I was able to let go of the biggest weight bringing me down, it’s so freeing, I can finally breathe.
To any of you who need someone to talk to about depression or abuse, my inbox is always open and I’m always willing to listen and help.