“My dad had a beard, and I’ve been growing mine since I was sixteen. There’s been years where I’ve shaved it, but on and off since I was sixteen I’ve had a beard. And now I’m having a kid so I can’t shave it [‘cause] then they’ll freak out—you see those videos. I like having a beard but now it’s not really even an option. I mean, unless I wanted to go beardless the rest of my life, which is also not an option.”