The Great Summer Melt…

Yeah, I’ve been AWOL for a few. We got our arses kicked by that cold/flu thingie after our overnight holiday in New Hampshire. Oh, yeah, still have not downloaded photos. I’ll get around to it at some point. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe someday?

After we finally got over the sickie thing (although The Silverback did wake sounding as bad as ever again yesterday!) - I went into a meltdown phase. No real “trigger”… Just way too much stuck in my own head. The Silverback has also been experiencing a few meltdowns, but probably not as pronounced as mine. Mine are way obvious. Well, that’s not entirely true. I can be quite good at covering a good brain revolt! Years of having to appear to be a good adult - pull my shite together - head off to an office - and pretend that life is just fine as I execute involved and detailed tasks.

Summer is closing up shop… And it just seems to have flown by - but in slow motion. Contradiction noted. A season of waiting around for various life moments to go tits up on us… Waiting extends time like nothing else! Meanwhile, it’s nearly come and gone - with none of said anticipated events taking place.

My brain suddenly and unexpectedly decided it was time for motion! Which took me down the spiraling path of the future! Overwhelmed by decisions to be made… plans to be executed… Most people probably don’t feel the level of anxiety about the future as I do - or maybe you do? What the fuck do I know? What I do know… I’ve lived my entire adult life with no plan at all… I’ve just let it happen. I’m not sure I know any other way to live. Pushing myself to create some sort of “plan” is completely counter-intuitive - and scary as fuck! Although The Silverback and I discuss what “we” want - many of my decisions will dictate major life changes for him as well. Having double the responsibility just freaks me out even more so. Even thought he’s totally understanding and supportive of whatever it is I decide…

Maybe I should just stop freaking the fuck out and default back to life happening… It is going to happen - period. No matter what I decide. That is just how it works. Like this summer. It happened, and I made no huge decisions. Well, I have made two decisions this week… Arrange to see my GYN to discuss the removal of these rusty reproductive organs that have been a constant issue for close to 20 years. And, get my hair cut. It’s a mess.

Enough of the whinge! Jaysis… This is why I’ve been AWOL! With all the shite going down in the world right now - I should not be complaining! Even I am aware of how ridiculous I can be. So, yeah, it’s Wednesday, which means I am off to relay my bourgie leisure-life “problems” to my shrink. Ugh. Must be nice to have the luxury of paying someone to listen to me whinge about my not-so-very-bad life!

I am a true case study in fear and self-loathing!