Facebook introduced a new feature to help prevent suicides. It automatically adds 20 pounds to any photo of your ex.
A New York state senator wants to ban machetes. There goes my trick for getting a seat on the subway.
An Atlanta man stole five pet tarantulas from another man’s crawlspace and sold them. The victim was shocked, telling reporters, “Imagine my horror when I looked in my crawlspace and saw it wasn’t full of tarantulas.”
Israel was unable to get the leaders of even moderate Arab nations to agree to attend Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to Congress. Maybe the problem was that they addressed the invitations to “one of the good ones.”
New York City is relaxing the rules at public schools to allow orthodox preschoolers to pray during class. In other words, double naptime!
Ducktales is coming back to TV. The first episode has all the residents of Duckburg picketing Scrooge McDuck’s house with signs that say “We are the 99%”
A study found that sufferers of ADHD are twice as likely to die young. This would be depressing news for them, but they’re not listening
Harrison Ford has signed on to star in a sequel to his 1982 movie Blade Runner. Fans of the original may remember it ended with an unanswered question about whether Ford’s character was a robot. Seeing how he’s aged, I guess we have our answer.
An Italian doctor says that a human head transplant could be possible within the next two years. “Could you go any faster?” asked a severed head.
A police dog that went missing in Ohio was found 61 days later. He was working undercover and got in too deep. He forgot he was a good boy.