The most distressing part about this whole Elliot Rodger case is that for 2 - 3 weeks of my first time at university I was being followed around by a guy that I was trying really hard to avoid. He made no clear sexual advances but he was bothering me nonetheless and I don’t know how I could have smiled less, engaged in conversation less, nodded less, looked less impressed or walked faster to my next class.
Whether or not ‘it [was] nice to see a girl take up programming’ wasn’t the point. I told my mother and she said, “maybe you should be nice to him and just talk to him and he’ll go away.”
That’s the upsetting part about this: when I objected, because I knew that the reason he was following me is because I was nice when he talked to me for the first time, my mum looked almost worried.
Am I not allowed to not be nice to people who I don’t like or who are bothering me? Why should I have to be nice? Why should I have to smile? My own mother was unknowingly teaching her daughter that this isn’t my space and I don’t have the right to defend it; that I should just ‘be nice’ because who knows what could happen if I wasn’t?
I wasn’t scared of this guy and that’s not the point.
In high school, for over a year, I was hassled by teachers, ‘friends’ and classmates alike for not dating my best friend. I was made to feel like shit. I was pressured into saying and doing things I didn’t want to do. I had to throw him a bone, lest I was a prude bitch. I couldn’t be mean to him, not after all he had done for me or all the times he stood up for me or all the times he looked after me when I was sick but you know what? That didn’t warrant sex.
I had female teachers telling me to just give him a chance. I would be emotionally blackmailed by this person every time I said no. And I don’t know about you, but that is abuse and it lead me to a place where I honestly believed that I had an obligation to cave in to this person’s emotional blackmail and ‘let them off gently’ or not say no clearly enough. And I’m glad I stayed strong and didn’t cave in but I really wasn’t far off. And that’s really fucking emotionally damaging. And if he were a short temper instead of serial ‘self-pity-ist’ it all would have panned out completely differently.
And even now the amount of guilt that is washing over me while typing this is truly unhealthy. That person didn’t care about me, they were putting kindness coins in until a prize came out.
So I guess what I am saying is that I am sick to fucking death of this pity fest that society feeds men when their entitlement to sex for being a nice guy isn’t met. You don’t get a prize for being a nice fucking person and if you’re getting so close to someone that they genuinely think that you’re their only true friend in order to get what you want then that makes you the opposite of a nice guy: that makes you a jerk.
So I am furious that this man can shoot people because he didn’t get what he wanted. He wasn’t mentally ill and he isn’t someone to feel sorry for. He is fucking crybaby who had a tantrum when he didn’t get what he wanted and he murdered innocent women because he could not own them and could not control them.
Do not teach your daughters to smile and be friendly
Do not teach your classmates and students to ‘give him a chance after all he’s done for you’
Do not teach your sons to ‘keep trying because one day she will turn around and realise all that you’ve done for her and finally appreciate you more than those other jerks’
It breeds anger.
It breeds hate.
It breeds guilt.
It breeds a sense of entitlement.
And it’s gotten women AND men murdered.