08.12.13

There’s always another one.. another person who’s suppose to be the one. Everything goes well and now you can start with the gestures that make this person the one.. give them paraphernalia that relates to that mask you want everyone to believe, introduce another face to your family, make promises using words that are meant to be defined with permanence but only mean something temporary to you.. they are always lies and will always be lies. You can’t stop.. it’s who i am.. I can read you better than everyone and deep down, the uncertainty in your words were always there. I’m what scares you the most.. Out of everyone because fucked up souls can lurk out other fucked up souls. It’s a fucking gift that no one cherishes.. Not you though.. You prey on the weak, the vulnerable, the forgiving, the willing.. You make your mark and leave curiosity or hatred in their hearts. We are the ones who learn and become stronger from you because you are part of the weak.. You always will be with this undying thirst for something new to soothe your ache.. but some of us.. perhaps even one still feels it from you. There’s your fatal mistake. You picked one that was already a far removed fucked up being and she could read.. decipher.. understand.. She had power that you didn’t understand and she scared you.. she still does and you did the one thing that you know how to do best.. Why? Why not just fuck it all up? There’s one answer today.. because you are the weak and you found a stronger component that you will always lose to.. except this component doesn’t have much fight left in her anymore.

me.four.

There’s a feeling that I’m not working on but it’s happening to me. I’m familiar with this feeling but this was before the mistakes so I guess that means it’s bad now. Things only hurt for a day or two. Apologies are always forgiven. Fights are “resolved” in minutes. People say hi. I say goodbye. I’m numb or I’m becoming that way. Not too much bothers me for long. Nothing interests me enough to pursue it. I can do things without much feeling.. You can tell me you love me. I wouldn’t care. You can appreciate my words, eyes, gestures, body..  I wouldn’t care. You can tell me that things will get better for me. I wouldn’t care. Everything feels the same but it’s all different. People come and go. Feelings come and go. That’s life. I just want to forget now.. forget about you, her, him, and possibly everyone else too… Too bad this is my reality. Sleep is my only best friend but sadly, only temporary.

you.three.

everything still hurts.. everything still aches.. and everything is still very… fresh.. you don’t plague my thoughts as much as you used to anymore.. i like that. things are getting easier.. i may have lost feelings for you.. i like that. things are getting better.. whenever i see something online from you, i only feel a small chill.. i like that. i’m getting over YOU!.. i was doing well. no more tears, no more drawing, no more consistent thoughts, only me trying to recover from everything that associates with you. WRONG! i’m okay, i’m fine, really. WRONG! yes, really. WRONG! a silent voice that was always yelling at me. WRONG! how stupid could you be? let’s be honest! passing your residence.. ache. that place will never be the same for me.. Ache. i’ll never be able to go down that road without the connection.. AChe. plaza. walmart. ACHe. memorial drive. ACHE! a silent voice that was always yelling at me! WRONG! deep, deep, deep down.. i’m well aware of my head turning to building A of R.M. to see if the car is there, where it always is. you’re there. you’re not there. yesterday made me wake the fuck up. i saw you.. i haven’t seen you since you degraded me that Tuesday.. towards the end of October. i saw you.. the back of you with one of your roommates who doesn’t talk much except to you. beanie. green hair. black as your attire of course. pale skin. a smile at your roommate. going into a store next to burger king, i believe. my neck hurts from turning so much and a fly might go into my mouth if i don’t close it. dammit. i shake my head. are you okay? what? it starts off slow and then.. BAM! ACHE! PAIN! SUFFERING! NEED! TREMBLING! it’s fucking unbearable. my chest is caving in more than usual. it’s only aches a little when i pass your residence. it kills me and the tears flow. i just saw him. the tears always happen unexpectedly. i fucking hate this. i’m actually crying. everything hurts. hurts way too much. I. WAS. WRONG! the voice was silent but it was there. WRONG! what’s going to happen when you see him? if he ever gives you the time of day? talks to you? even texts you? acknowledges you in anyway? then what? be honest.. be. honest! i’ve never been submissive to anyone but i know i would probably fall to your feet with pleading eyes.. deep, deep, deep down, i know this. i’m a fucking mess. a delusional, crazy, self-deprecating, sad, pathetic slut. i see myself this way because i’ve changed for the worst. she’s the only person who knows about my other side, the side that evolved from you.. what’s worst is that i’ve gone back to who i used to be. she described it perfectly. why? it was only two or three weeks. why do i still feel this way? two months from now?.. ‘you’re still hurting because you’ve never opened up like this. it took you time with everyone else. even friends. you tried to change and be open at a vulnerable point after what happened, with the one person who played you and tossed you away.’ she’s right. and i fucking hate this. i hate it so much because everything still hurts.. everything still aches.. and everything is still very… fresh..

08.20.13

Collect all of your negatives qualities and gather them into a pile. They stand so high with pride and they bury their definitions inside of your pores. There’s no cleanser for them except what’s buried beneath your undefeated soul. Oh, how it will always win as long as it’s put up against your infinite cowardice.. Project it.. Find a crack in me and project it. Paranoia. Somehow, I’ve become your reflection. Not by my account but by yours. I’m just as bad as you. No worse! I’m fucking worse than you! My mistakes do define me and it’s who I am! Ha.. Ha.. HAHAHA! Ouch. Fuck you.. You’ll continue to hide behind a broken screen, a mask, an alter ego. I’m waiting for the day that it destroys you because that’s the only thing this persona is capable of. Search and Destroy. I’m ready for the challenge. Days will be much harder than others but I won’t shed a tear.. at least not today.. I won’t let pride take the best of me either. I know what lurks into the night, behind my eyelids, and deep inside my head. A reaction will take awhile to swim to the surface but it won’t take much digging to get one. So stand up to me.. I’ve been waiting for it and yet you still hide behind your cowardice. The last laugh has my name written all over it. Ha.. Ha.. HA!

you..

Who are you now? A different person. I know you but this will take some time getting used to. We’re about to push forward into month three and you’ve been so consistent with me. Who are you now? You’re nowhere near the person I used to write about. Maturing. Growing. Understanding. Open… Open with me. You’ve cut yourself deep.. for me. Day and night. You can’t stand absence even from me. Who are you now? “you bring out the real me, not all of these other aliases but me.. my actual name..” Who am I? Wounded. Guarding. Cautious. Hurtful… Hurtful to you. I’ve spent time stitching myself back up and you’re determined to cut the string and work your way back in with time. Who am I? Desire. Who are you? Acceptance. I’m your desire. You’re my acceptance. I’d hate to be wrong..again.

me.five.

…In a way, I’m getting what I’ve always wanted but kind of never hoped for.. you. So why am I not entirely happy, she asks? I can’t be content with knowing that I’m crushing someone who has developed serious feelings for me and yet I do it all the time.. You’re not the first but I’ve learned or have I? Let me go. I’m willing to let her go, I’m willing to let you go… entirely. Alone is good for me. I haven’t tasted it in years and I like my freedom but what does it mean now? I’d be lying if I said some aspects of my old self haven’t seeped through. I’m breathing, seeing, eating, touching, but unfeeling. I may be shutting down but I’m not sure. I’ll try but it never makes me feel great. I’m honest but I still feel like I’m lying. I’m appreciated but I don’t appreciate myself. “i love you, m.”… “I love you.”… Stop it the both of you… I can’t take it. Just leave me be. Unfeeling. Unattached. Cautious. Just Okay.. I’m okay. I’ll always be okay with or without anyone. 

me.one.

No matter what, I always put people before me and do the best I can to make everyone around me happy. That all changes if I decide to put myself first even for a second. I automatically become the bad guy, the careless one, the submissive one, the one being taken advantage of, the betrayed one, the one taking more shit, etc. “You always look depressed when I see you”, says someone. This is my mind going into overdrive. Wondering. Searching. Wandering. Waiting..  It’s not only that I don’t particularly like him because I don’t but my mask is finally starting to fade away. I can no longer hide the emotional as well as I used to and this scares me soooo much. I’ve perfected making everything seem it’s fine and dandy with me but it’s weakening. *sigh* One day, I will get away and once I do, everyone will be a distant memory that I’ll never come back to. Maybe, I’ll finally start the process of being happy then. I don’t think there will be too many exceptions.

pyramids.one.

It’s strange how feelings work.. How our bodies have the potential to be pulled in so many directions.. you, him, her.. Guess who is at the top? Why these three? I haven’t had closure with any of these three people, including you. Technically, you were never really mine and vice versa. A verbal and almost physical fight, hopeful futures, and cut.. Guess who has made the last draw? Hm.. You’ve moved on and I’ve accepted this. I only care about your happiness and somewhere inside of my problematic heart, I accepted this. I also know that I don’t like this because I should be right there.. I don’t know. I’m in limbo.. I’m numb.. I feel some sort of potential ache but nothing like before and I’m relieved.. but scared at the same time. I want you, I don’t want you.. I hate you, I love you.. *sigh* limbo sucks.. There’s no going forward until I figure things out and I’m confused as hell. Him? He’s the one that deserves better but also needs fixing.. He’s away and I hope, in some weird way, that he doesn’t want me back.. but at the same time I do hope he does want me back because of hopeful futures.. Maybe we can, maybe we can’t.. This is where we left things.. Hand holding, sleeping next to each other, tiny kisses.. ‘I can feel myself changing for the better. You would like it.’ Taken from a few words I read way too late after his departure.. He knows this. He knows that I prefer a more mature person as a significant other.. He deserves better, I know this and want this.. I’m selfless but only a small part of me is selfish.. limbo sucks.. She’s the rocky coaster that tops the cake of drama from you and him. Why is she in this pyramid? ‘We know better,’.. ‘We’re back into each others lives for a reason,’.. ‘Who are you trying to convince that you don’t feel something? Yourself or me?,’.. I don’t want this. I am sure of that but part of me cares and continues to care, even when I know in my problematic heart that I deserve better.. I feel something but it’s not enough to want it.. limbo sucks.. The best solution is to be alone. I know this.. she and him make up the bottom and you finish off the design to complete it.. I’m lingering on the outside, hovering over possibilities that anything is possible.. I’m nowhere in this design.. this pyramid.. I’ve only created it but I can never include myself in it because it’s strange how feelings work.. How our bodies have the potential to be pulled in so many directions.. limbo sucks…

you.one.

I began with the eyes of yours… The eyes that didn’t catch my attention until I actually listened to those sweet words that released from your lips that spoke of your desires, passions, dreams, wishes, and many more with happiness in your eyes. “You met me at a good and bad time in my life.” This is a warning but not so straightforward like I have been with others. I’m already a mess when we officially meet and what’s worse is that I’ve put myself in this particular mess and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for hurting the ones that I care about the most. “I can’t fucking believe I’m here getting a damn piercing.” I was nervous but the conversations eased me for a few hours. You started this.. You started my downfall.. Feather-like caresses, longing gazes, and songs played by one of your favorite bands. “You’re interesting.” Words that came from my lips as a genuine interest while we sit on your roommates bed. He’s cool. He gave me the combat boots that I’ve been dreaming of because he’s a punk person just like I am and you are opposite. This worries you later.. This is where the crash in everything that matters to me changes. “You’ll be fine, just breathe slowly and you’ll be fine.” Your light brown eyes are intense but reassuring and I’m pulled in.. pulled in so deep that it takes me a moment to actually blink. You’re the most beautiful soul that I have ever looked into and we get along too well for the first day. I hold onto you because I’m light headed. My fucking weak ass stomach and we sit down, holding eachother as if we were already in a relationship. I close my eyes and wrap my head around my gushing nose.. ‘My grandma is going to kill me.’ Your grip is a bit strong. I cannot move without your eyes being trained on me and this goes on into the night where I am lying on your chest. You have a tongue ring that you pierced yourself and I can’t help but to be like a cat chasing the end of a string. After recognizing this, it eventually becomes your bait to reel me in and I fall for it because vulnerability never works in my favor.. I’m a mess, remember? I’m open, needy, sad, desperate, yearning… I’m also bold at this point because I’m so comfortable. I grabbed the tongue ring bar with my teeth! I can’t believe this.. What am I doing? You have no idea either since I recognize that this takes you by surprise. I don’t let go either. There’s a thrill from this and my lips slightly graze yours. “I’m going to kiss her..” These are your thoughts that you reveal to me later when we have one of our deep conversations. A look at your eyes.. your lips.. your eyes.. your lips.. A kiss.. Another kiss.. A long kiss and I withdraw after this. “What the hell are we doing?” You aren’t feeling bad about any of this but I’m a bit cautious. This is day one and vulnerability never works in my favor.. “It’s okay.” I allow myself to be pulled into the wonders of two people who won’t stop what’s happening through the night. I don’t feel guilty. I want to believe I do but I don’t and of course, your reassurance allows me not to regret, to forget the past, and to fall asleep next to you. I wake up in the middle of the night to you complaining of how you can’t sleep. I take you into my arms and hold you, running my fingers through your hair soothingly but the wonders call to you and I give in to your unspoken request. You finally fall asleep and I wake up to the sight of you sleeping peacefully with your head in my direction. You’re the lightest sleeper I know because I shift and your eyes flash open but you’re relaxed. I stare.. You stare.. You sleep.. I sleep, holding you.. I wake up and your grip is tight.. You wake up.. I have to go and I don’t want to. “Okay, I’ll walk you out.” I hope this bus never comes and it’s allowing me to get my hopes up because it takes so long to arrive. Touch, downward glances, smirks.. Yesterday is surreal and real. “…bye.” Did I seal this dreadful fate with those words? Why not until next time, M? Your expression is soft and readable, allowing me to hope and I leave with the eyes of yours..

08.15.13

All we ever do is make plans.. plans for this, that, you, me, us.. You’re the one making the plans and calling the shots for me. I’m gonna be better for you malika.. Just have faith in me, M.. please.. You don’t understand that this is my reason for staying.. I always had faith in you when everyone lost it and tried to convince me to give up my faith too. You don’t have what it takes to be better and I’m so tired of being your guide into both worlds.. the light and the dark. Yes, I trigger your dark side and now you’re hanging between the outside and inside because of me. I can’t handle that burden.. the burden of losing you to the outside.. Once you step into the outside, there’s no coming back.. ever. I can’t take care of you or keep tabs on you because you’re afraid of losing me. It’s not the end of the world if you lose me..It would be the end of my world.. Am I ready for that kind of responsiblity? No, I’m not. I can’t take care of you and turn into stone because I may only be there to pity you later.. You have placed a firm handcuff on me and it’s linked to your heart. I can’t move without you falling into the outside and nothing breaks my heart more.. You’ve found another weakness of mine. I’m too forgiving, too submissive, too nice, too caring, and now guilty.. guilty of ever trying to let you go when I try so hard to.. so many damn times only to fail later.. but I’m capable.. I’m capable of a lot of things but I can’t move.. I’m your light and your dark.. You’re only my dark right now..

08.11.13.

I want my nails to grow extremely long.. so long and sharp so I can claw out the main organs that allow me to feel, to weaken, to love, to be in love.. I want to take these organs into my hands and squeeze them.. squeeze them until they turn into ash in my hands and drop down between my fingers and vanish into thin air.. and never return. Fuck being in love.. it doesn’t do any good for the person who gets hurt in the end.. let alone a second time.. I can admit this.. You are my kryptonite in its purest form and I’m in love with you.. You are my weakness and I can admit this.. It doesn’t matter what you do, I’ll always be in love with the unstable matter that you possess. Oh, why won’t someone come and touch my being and allow this toxic emotion to release from my veins, my brain, my heart.. There’s no cure for love.. at all.. time, another person, drugs, sleep.. absolutely none. It’s all temporary because love robs you of everything but love.. sight, sound, touch, taste, smell.. for everything else but that person who consumed you and allowed it to happen. I welcome permanent sleep. I welcome it so I can have peace.. forever.

i.

ahh, no one seems to get it.. not even me.. just please let me have this without hurting anyone.. i want it most from two and it’s hard.. please let me have this.. sleep, insomnia, and tame impala are the only relatable things to me right now.. i’m in a serious jam and everyone seems to think it’s so easy to get out of.. stop.. you don’t fucking get it.. you dont. isolation.. i want it more than anything right now.. my desire for everything.. gone..where is it?.. i don’t want to talk, i want to do things but not with you two, you two make things worse because you know everything..don’t ask me what i did today, how my day was, or anything.. can you have a mid-life crisis now?.. isolation, solitude.. let me have this and don’t worry.. i’m worrying about myself enough as it is.. i have no desries anymore.. i’m always waiting for the morning and then the night.. never in between.. let me have this and don’t be sad for me.. i’ve been fading for awhile and i don’t want to be drawn into this again.. "you will never come close to how i feel.."

me.three.

…it’s time for me to start realizing that I’ve paid the price of shutting others out and now It’s time for me to get what I deserve. This doesn’t include the same two people giving me shit all the time and taking advantage of me. She and Him.. you both go hand in fucking hand.

Text
Photo
Quote
Link
Chat
Audio
Video