2

"I’m just saying, we… I need you on the team."

8

Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon: Act 24

5

The epic saga of A Girl Watches How To Train Your Dragon. And dies.

君が呼ぶ名まえ~もう一度だけ
  • 君が呼ぶ名まえ~もう一度だけ
  • 吉森信
  • 夏目友人帳 参・肆 音楽集 ひねもすきらりきらり
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"君が呼ぶ名まえ~もう一度だけ" by 吉森信

30 Days of the Borgias → Day 1: One Borgia

Giovanni (Juan) Borgia

I HAD A DREAM THAT WE ALL MET AND YOU GUYS DECIDED I WAS LAME AND LEFT ME TO SIT AT THE LOSER TABLE ALONE WHILE YOU HUNG OUT WITH PARADISE FEARS.
AND THERE WAS PUN TELLING.
AND SAM HUGGING.
AND EYEBROW SECRET SHARING.

AND I WOKE UP CRYING.

I just want someone to talk to.

Sometimes I get jealous when my friends talk about their family and how close they are. I want that. I want to see my mum’s face. I want to hear her voice telling me that I’m gonna be okay on my own. I want to curl up in her arms and feel comforted. I want to be able to turn to her and cry about how scared I am or how alone I feel. I want a mum that cares about me and wants to keep in track with me, that worries about me, that calls me six times a day because I didn’t let her know I’d be coming home late. I want to tell my dad that I got into the highest level of French, despite not having done it for two years AND being a freshman in university. I want him to be proud of me, for him to beam a smile and nod encouragingly. I want him to see that I got a job writing at the local newspaper company and that I’m now to be making $25.75/hour. I want him to see that I made the varsity tennis league. I want him to pat me on the back and tell me good job.

I haven’t spoken or seen my parents in three weeks. I leave them messages everyday. I tell them stories of Montreal and about how much I miss and love them. I see that they read them, but they never reply back. Part of me feels good that the toxic relationship we had is now distancing, but the other part rips my soul in half at the thought of losing the only people I have ever grown up knowing. They told me that they didn’t want me in their life, but I didn’t think that a parent could mean a thing like that. I didn’t think that two people who raised a child for eighteen years could let go so easily.

I’m not homesick, no. I’m people sick. I miss my friends. I miss the kids I would teach. I miss the old ladies telling me about their grandchildren at the senior centre I used to work at. I miss my teachers at high school that I could talk to about my problems. I miss Vancouver’s rain. I’m not homesick because my house was not a home. My family were just related to me. We lived in the same house and barely spoke a word to each other. This entire time, all these extra curricular programs, AP courses, playing eleven different instruments, coaching tennis, winning academic awards and scholarships, being nominated for valedictorian, and getting into McGill - it was all for them. I wanted to show them that I’m not a fuck up. I wanted them to see that I have something to prove and that I am smart. Now, as I sit in my room, distantly listening to my roommate talk to her mother with giant animate gestures and a bright smile on her face, I can’t help but feel a pang of loss sting at my heart. I look at the picture of my parents on my desk and I ask myself, who am I actually doing this for?

I can’t answer it.

I’m genuinely alone now, and I’m terrified.

"You said that last night," Clary said. "But I’m not — ‘
"You killed our father," he said. His voice was soft. 
"And you didn’t care. Never given it a second thought."
                        ” You are like me.”

That’s Kendall kissing me after apologizing for something personal. He had recognized me and came over to hug me and apologize and since he had blamed me for what happened earlier it was kind of a relief and I started crying. I didn’t really remember it until someone showed me the video - he apologized kind of vaguely. The concert still sucked mainly because I spent all of it crying in the lobby but it would’ve been even worse if I was in the concert hall itself so….yeah. Glad he apologized though.

Hum.

I feel bad about a phone conversation I had yesterday with my Grandpa. Mainly because I could tell he started crying twice and I was basically flailing on the other side because YOU CAN’T HUG SOMEONE OVER THE PHONE.

His brother, 11 years older, is dying and Gramps went to visit him this week.  Drove the 550 miles there in one day - and made the return the next day in one day as well. That’s a helluva trip.

But so that’s horrible and heartbreaking and makes me glad (though tentatively freaked out because I’m bad at dealing with strong emotions like that) that this weekend is the half marathon - and yes, despite this summer’s plague on me I am still going to run it - so I will still be in their town soon.

He also talked to me about my mother (voice calmer at this point) and said he didn’t blame me for not wanting to speak to her.  But then something happened… something that tells me she’s probably been a huge fucking dick and said something really mean to him lately, because he started sniffling again and said he was glad her daughter (me) turned out to be a better person than she ever could be.

And that’s not fucking cool. I understand that my grandparents probs were not the best parents in the entire world.  But maybe you could lay off your hate speech while the man deals with the soon passing of his essentially father figure brother - maybe just back the fuck off Caroline not everything is the fuck about you.

So anyway, this weekend is going to be stressful and perhaps not as happy as I had hoped homecoming would be.  I mean, it’s been a while since I put on my caretaker/kind pants I hope I still know how they fit.

:/

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