Cuties

"It’s important to always tell people how you are feeling."

Oh you able bodied people are so cute!! Do you have ANY idea what that would look like for me?

"Hey, I’m in pain and I’m ready to throw up and we need bread from the grocery store."

"I’m in so much pain I think about putting my hands through a band saw, did you want to catch a movie tonight?"

"So I was talking to my mom, she so thoroughly disregarding my feelings on being in pain and being disabled that I’m ready to cut her out of my life. Should we go out for sushi? My hands feel like I’ve been holding onto a icicles all day, they are turning blue and purple from lack of circulation. I’m so tired I will probably fall asleep at the table. Should I make a reservation?"

"Did you have a good day at work? I tried to get out of bed, my knees were so swollen I had to crawl to the bathroom. Once the narcotics finally kicked in I was able to shower, after which I nearly blacked out. I laid in bed for about an hour crying because I can’t believe the fucked up life I have to fucking deal with everyday, I can’t even shower and I never get used to the pain, it’s always too much. I hope Dan at the office wasn’t stealing your lunch again.."

I mean, how would that actually work? How could I actually say what’s going on all the time? I exert so much effort just to survive in a world where disabled people simply don’t exist. To the point that my best friend thinks she is being kind when she says “no one sees you as disabled! only you do!” but it’s like a knife in my heart.

I need you to see my pain, but not have it be a big deal. But pain is always a big deal, especially for someone who doesn’t deal with it all the time, so where the fuck does that leave me? Especially after a childhood that was marked by not only chronic pain, but parents who were either indifferent to my pain, or used it as a tool to be emotionally abuse towards me. IT’S NOT THAT EASY TO TALK ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL WHEN YOU ALWAYS FEEL PAIN.

"Listen up! All you kids out there who have ever felt like shit, ever felt worthless or abandoned or alone, you listen to me right now. Keep that fucking chin up, keep that fucking guard up, protect yourself, and you swing as hard as you fucking can at this life. They are going to try and take the things you love, your dreams, your hopes, your entire life from you, but they CAN NOT TAKE your fucking will to survive. And as long as you know they can’t beat you, they can’t hurt you or keep you down, you will always be the one who comes out on top, and you will be happy. And that is the most important thing you will ever have. They CAN’T beat us, because WE WON’T LET THEM.” 

- Tim McIlrath