love is all there is


That’s literally me.

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.

Charlotte Free in ‘Don’t Be Cruel’ by Donna Trope for Purple Fashion #22

Me whilst watching the Reichenbach Fall:



I love playing really strung out characters, and characters that are really pushed to their limits and losing their mind. I think that’s wonderful. To be able to lose it, in many ways, is just great fun to do.

“It’s a memory technique, a sort of mental map. You plot a… a map with a location - it doesn’t have to be a real place - and then you deposit memories there that… theoretically, you can never forget anything. All you have to do is find your way back to it.”

On April 24th, 2014, I wrote my suicide note and planned it for April 27th, 2014.

I wanted to wait a few days because on April 25th, I was meeting All Time Low.

When I walked up to meet Jack, he immediately hugged me and I began to cry while muttering “thank you for saving my life” since All Time Low for me through some hard times a few years ago. Then I told him about some previous suicide attempts. He just looked me in the eye and said “Aw, don’t do that. Come hang out with us instead.” I then hugged and talked to the rest of the band (they were all so sweet!) and got in line for the show later that night.

But in that moment, when Jack told me not to kill myself, I knew I couldn’t do it. Someone who doesn’t even know my name just told me not to do it. I went home the next day and burned the note and decided suicide wasn’t an option. It never was and it never will be.

Now here I am, a year later, and I’m still alive. I’m not happy, but I’m alive. Thanks to the words of Jack Barakat. Someone who had no idea I existed but told me not to kill myself anyways. I will forever be grateful to this band.