There’s nothing wrong with love that’s safe or where you’ve lost some “insatiable want.” That insatiable feeling is called infatuation, and fades naturally in ALL relationships. Love is about two people showing up as individuals, and choosing to love one another. To put the other first. To put forth effort to create the highest good in themselves and in the other. That’s love. Working hard to make it work even when you aren’t feeling it all the time and when challenges arise.
—  A. Dresser
I’m laying in bed literally burying my face in your shirt because it’s the closest thing I have to you being here with me but it’s nowhere near good enough. I’m usually so good at turning off my emotions and going numb so I don’t feel the pain of missing you, but when it’s late, and I’m sleepy without you to hold me, and I’m cold without you to warm me, it’s too much for me to handle, and everything I fight to suppress inside forces its way past the barriers I’ve created. I miss you more than I can handle and there ain’t a damn thing I can do about it.
—  Please come home soon.
When We Get There

Some days we’ll wake up and get dressed and brush our teeth like normal human beings. We’ll make coffee and put on our coats and head out the door, umbrellas in hand. Like normal human beings. 

But other days we’ll stay in bed and pretend the crumpled covers are oceans. We’ll pretend the pillows are country lines. We’ll roll over the borders, remember how far we had to travel to meet each other, how long we had to wait, how much love had to grow. 

"Welcome home." we’ll say. "Was it difficult to find me?"


Hello lovelies, :)

I had way too little personal post recently, so I thought an update is finally in order. I came to the shocking realization the other day that it’s already March. Where have the past 2 months gone? Have I really wasted more than 60 days because of self-hate? Unfortunately, yes. 

But it was just a set-back. An awful one, the worse I’ve ever had since my depression. But I’ve cried over it way too much, it is time to start going forward again and building a different road. Progress update: I was 116 kg last Sunday. Considering the past months, I’m thrilled that I only gained back 3 kilos. As soon as I find a store where i can buy measuring tape(because forgot mine at home), I’ll make a full update:)

I’m eating better since yesterday, though I’m on my period so it’s kinda hard not to eat everything in sight, lol. And I did tiny little exercises. Nothing much, only a couple of squats here and jumping jacks there, but I’m gonna count them as baby step starts.

I had a second interview about a job yesterday. I am so hopeful, the job would be awesome. I’ll hear back from them by early next week so please send some luck in my way! :))

And with Matthew…oh my god, why is communication so hard? I just don’t know what to do. He is amazing, because I met with him in one of the lowest points of my life and I’ve given him so much crap in the past months. But on the other hand, he is making me crazy…and not in a good way. I need him to talk more. It sucks because it’s the only thing we have and if he doesn’t say something, I won’t know. And I want someone who loves me, who cares about me and who is proud to have me. I feel like if I’m in a relationship I have every right for wanting to feel this way, and of course I want to make him feel the same way. But at the moment I feel like he is not proud to have me as his girlfriend and I have troubles believing that he loves me. I know part of the reason is because I didn’t find the strength to love myself, therefore I don’t let anyone else love me. But on the other hand, if he want to keep me in his life, he will have to do something about it as well, because I won’t keep trying forever if I feel like it’s unnecesary.
But I can actually see us making it work and ending up together in some years. Going home from work and kissing him, then cooking dinner with him, having lazy days with him, making sure he is okay and just be happy with him. I know it’s extremely hard to handle me, but as long as I see it’s worth it, I’m not going to give up on us.



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Long Distance Relationships

Nighttime is when it really hits you hard. It’s when your mind stops and thinks about all of the times you were with that person and it completely kills you. The distance makes you realize how hard it actually is to be away from someone so important to you. You miss them like crazy and want nothing more than to be with them and never let them go again. You learn to appreciate them more and more because you know that in the end, seeing them will make it all worth it.