I was thinking that perhaps it would help my therapist to analyze me if she knew more about my past. Since like, obviously I can spend hours on self analysis and trying to find the root of thought processes and etc. because I already know everything about myself. She doesn’t, however. So I explained this to her and asked her if there was anything about my life that she would like to know, that would help her answer a question or that would help her in her further analysis of me.
She said like "Oh i just wait for people to bring stuff up on their own since it’s significant what the patient finds important to talk about. People bring things up when they’re emotionally ready and I’m supposed to help them along, etc. etc. "
and I mean of course that’s very understandable for a majority of people. I often pay close attention to what people tell me and when as well (there’s always a reason people choose to bring certain topics up with you at certain times.) So I see that that’s a good way to do things, but I feel like it should be amended for certain types of patients?
Like , I’m not like that. I will share openly anything with anyone, because I don’t have an emotional attachment to my memories or experiences. It’s not like "oh I have to wait until I feel ready" or "this is too soon , I’m too emotional~~" I just really don’t feel anything associated with them. I mean i don’t doubt a situations ability to shake me (though often i just automatically detach from it anyways, i can’t control when that does/doesn’t happen), since I can feel very strong emotions of paranoia and fear and anxiety, i could easily have a panic attack or something in the moment. But once that moment has passed, why would I feel anything over it anymore? I will still remember it vividly but all damage has been done, so it’s not like I’m going to break down whilst recounting the event. Also, there’s no way for me to know what the other person needs to know in a conversation. I’m never going to feel like “ooh this is the ‘right time’ to bring this up”. I don’t know what is important to bring up and what isn’t because I don’t get these feelings like that. I think maybe for people like me , it might be necessary to quite literally just direct me to a topic and ask me to explain it if it’s something that you want to know. And maybe that goes for other people with more blunted emotions as well.
At the most it might make me nervous to speak about something because I’m always paranoid that a spy could be listening in on the conversation and maybe there’s stuff that I don’t want the government to know about me or something. But I’m not going to feel anything associated with things like that so i sort of just don’t know what to do? How am I supposed to have any idea what time I should bring up something and when I shouldn’t and when “I’m ready”. I’m like always ready lol , it’s rare that I have reservations around discussing things, especially in a private setting. In public of course you have to always be calculating everyone’s actions and trying to tell whether you can trust them or not and what their motive behind each thing they say to you are, but if it’s just in therapy then I see no reason to have hesitation.
I dont know i guess just like ???? i dont know what to do lol. I will willingly talk about almost anything but I don’t know what I should speak about so i need to be sort of lead in conversation I guess? And telling me to just bring stuff up when i’m ready doesn’t really help because I only have very vague attachments to my own memories so I’m not ever going to “feel” that this is the “right time” to discuss something because that’s just like , not how I process things I guess. I do think she should know more about me , since it’s not logical to have someone who is supposed to be analyzing your behavior and expect them to come to proper conclusions yet give them absolutely no information to base their opinions on and have them left with a lack of basis to rationalize or verify their thoughts with. But it’s like I have no idea what information she requires or what she would like to know, and since none of my memories stick out any more particularly than others I don’t know which ones would be “important” to talk about, so i have no way of speaking about them naturally other than literally just starting from the moment I was born and going in chronological order over everything I remember, which seems far too long and drawn out a process especially since the appointments only last like an hour.
Like I told her this and I said if she wants to know something she should just let me know and ask directly, and she did sort of, but i’m not sure if she was totally on board with it or something. I just feel like , it’s hard to expect me to order the events of my life on am emotional basis when I have no emotional basis to even order them on. So how am i supposed to sort them??? lol