1.) Stop calling me a girl, I wanna claw my insides out every time that word leaves your mouth
2.) Use the right pronouns and not so you can hold it over my head but bc you’re a decent fucking person
3.) When I confide in you, don’t brush my secrets off your shoulder, I’m so tired of sweeping up the pieces bc they never go back together the same
4.) I may be a hollow shell but Jesus Christ stop trying to crush me, when I break I’m gonna splinter off inside you so deep you’ll never be clean regardless of all the times you’re stuck at the bottom of a shower crying
5.) I am a disease, a bottomless void full of infection and sadness
6.) Just stop calling me female when I ask you too
7.) You never try to listen, not even when my tears turn to blood and I’m choking on my own vomit, please just try to listen
8.) I can’t help my gender doesn’t exist, but whatever I wouldn’t even try to “fix” it I’m just tired of your bullshit
9.) Love me with tender compassion instead of your forceful rejection so I can finally feel my heart beat again
—  some nights I still wake up crying

Hoping no one sees:
falling down
asking people to take pictures of you
not holding your liquor
loud at a bar
knees hurting when you walk
being too warm
giving up things you love
ruined tattoos
too stoned to be of any use
drunk in your friend’s car
trying to focus on the positives

small, smaller, smallest.

1. i cling to the order of things, and sometimes that order is the way to factor in the chaos.

2. these past few weeks i’ve really realised who is really down for you when you’re down.

3. i have always been absolutely generous with everything i have. it’s always seemed natural to me that anything i have/i am is temporary and therefore not fully mine. i have remained considerate of folks, i extend everything fully - from money, to time, to food, to small things that make you know (including with strangers) that i care. i have realised that a large number of people will take whatever you offer/got but never return the love/heart/generosity at even a fraction. it’s strange, i’ve never really understood how folks can happily exist in that state of selfishness but then i’m reminded we live in a culture that rewards it.

4. these things make me tired, feel out of place, lonelier than i’ve ever been. at twenty five i never thought i’d be here, so invisibly here.

5. did you know that south asian women are 3 times more likely to commit suicide in this country than their white counter parts? and although there are very clear links to honour based violence, i also can’t help that this is symptomatic of a culture and a society (both asian and white majority) that does not see or hear asian women and girls. we are absolutely invisible, we have no voice, we are seen to exist as solely conduits for our men, culture and community. so what then or how then do we begin to talk about mental health - about these women and girls (particularly under the age of 24 who no doubt largely come from poor households) that are dying - that we do not know the names or stories of? do their lives matter so little that nobody - including many of the women around them - show up?

6. i’ve been reflecting on some of the themes that naturally emerge in a lot of my stories - things that seem subconcious or necessary. there has been an absolute dearth in british asian literature, the narratives produced are ones that continuously reflect what is required by a white audience to be a valid ‘asian’ story. i in all honesty cannot name a british asian writer who has moved me in any kind of way other than meera syaal through ‘life’s not all ha ha hee hee’ and the only international writer that is someone i can list as a favourite still has its limits. something seems to stop at ‘diaspora’ and ‘immigration’, we stop complicating what it means to really exist here (and maybe long or not long for home in different ways). and whilst some things are definitely some people’s experience (e.g. brick lane), they don’t speak to the humanity we have constantly are denied or plough through. ‘life’s not all ha ha hee hee’ was that moment for me that introduced diverse south asian women who reflected some or many of the struggles or could see the asian women around me struggling with. it went beyond ‘honour’ (whilst including important elements of it that permeate the everydayness of asian culture’. with my short stories, the pieces i’ve been working on have no real nostalgia for a back home - they incorporate the lives of second generation british asian girls. i realised that i had unconsciously been writing about eating disorders and self-harm, of anxieties and insecurities, of displacement, of london as a real location/context of what it means to be ‘here’, of an everydayness i have so rarely found myself in the books i’ve picked up. at the back drop of this is always the residue of immigration, of violence, of white supremacy, of anti-blackness, of invisibility, shame, class, sexuality that needs to be there. i’d also like to consider in particular muslim south asian women as existing as ‘south asian’ and it not all be entirely collapsed into being ‘muslim’ which for me is forever at risk of reproducing very dangerous narratives. as some of my work begins to be published and i begin to really think about a collection that is meaningful to me, i hope that whatever i create is somehow reflective of asian women and girls as people, as human, as existing even against such a deafening silence.

7. i know i will get out of this place eventually, it’s just finding a way to get to that ‘eventually’ point. i’ve been steeped in ‘self-care’ and sometimes ‘not-so’ self-care. i run and work out hard, i eat all the wrong things, i’ve cut almost everyone off because in truth nobody is listening/cares/is considerate of/expects/thinks i’m some robot that even when i’m vulnerable it’s not in the right form to be considered, i do things i shouldn’t that are now becoming routine and strangely comforting, i take sleeping pills and spend my days outside my body/self. i will eventually get out of this place, eventually.

8. eventually.

Watch on sytycdrankings.tumblr.com

#44: “Happy” (Bridget/Emilio jive), Top 18

This is the only jive we got? Man, they were being so stingy with the ballroom this season. And after they cast six ballroom dancers, too. So much for the “ballroom season”, huh? But I didn’t have any delusions that we were actually going to get one of those, so it’s whatever. 

But I still really like this routine. Bridget and Emilio were adorable in this, and they were one of my favorite couples for like five minutes there after I saw this. Like I said the first time, Bridget didn’t seem afraid of this routine like she did the hip-hop, and she wasn’t sick like she was in the jazz, so everything worked out nicely here. It makes me wonder if she has more ballroom training or something since she was more frightened of a hip-hop routine than a latin routine and that’s usually not how it goes. 

But watching Emilio just makes me more upset that he was eliminated so soon after top ten. Imagine what he could have done with more all-stars. He was so good out of his style, and I was so excited to see him work with more people and more choreographers…

…but we still don’t talk about that here.

tomorrow, I want to

* write to my pen pal (and mail it)
* get a hair cut
* clean my room
* pack for LARP
* do laundry

i will be happy with myself if I can do two of these things. :)

coming to terms with the notion that the list is never finished. and that it’s ok  to not do everything.

the thoughts that make me better

- no one will ever give a shit about my suffering the way I do. I can’t convince anyone to care the way I do because honestly I don’t care about anyone else’s suffering the way that they do

- I am bitter the way that you are bitter when someone who’s party you weren’t going to go to makes a point of not inviting you. it’s just my pride that is offended I didn’t get the choice to reject.

- you can have pride without being an idiotic mess. indignant, vindictive pride vs noble, self contained pride

- I romanticize my tantrums as if I’m Courtney Love and it’s somehow groundbreaking because I’m young and a female, I get away with fucked up behavior in a way that a boy never would.

- a lot of my thoughts are bait that I don’t need to take. I can glide by without latching onto those fucked up unproductive thoughts fueled by insecurity.

- it’s okay to be an unproductive hilarious lump

- it’s okay to lose your friends and feel fucking alone and maybe even a right of passage

- money comes and goes and maybe you don’t need all of it anyway

- everything is good if you find a way to make peace with yourself/ spending time with yourself and examining your core with acceptance

- so many people with good relationships, apartments and cute little jobs are still unhappy. it’s a state of mind stemming from existential dread n learned dissatisfaction/emptiness

- you can not worry about shit and still be alert/ready for action. just be in the present and react when it comes/if it comes

- it’s okay to be messy. it’s okay to be perfectly dull. success and failure aren’t such a straight dichotomy

THE TOP 30 THINGS THAT ALL HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMEN SHOULD KNOW

1. You will experience loss.

2. Sometimes your childhood friends turn out to be bad people.

3. Being kind is infinitely more important than being cool.

4. You will be forgotten.

5. Always turn in your homework on time.

6. Respect your teachers and they will respect you in return.

7. If someone doesn’t treat you well, leave them.

8. You will make mistakes that can’t be fixed.

9. It’s okay to experiment with alcohol and drugs, but be safe.

10. Forgive yourself.

11. ‘No’ is a good word to learn how to use.

12. If you’re having trouble, ask for help.

13. Sleep well every night.

14. Remember that a C is passing.

15. A test score is not a reflection on you as a person.

16. This all ends.

17. It’s better to have a few good friends than a lot of bad ones.

18. Don’t verbally or physically bully anyone ever.

19. Adults don’t always understand how hard high school is.

20. Volunteer time to a meaningful cause when you can.

21. Everything in moderation.

22. You can take a day off every once in a while.

23. Remember to still do things you enjoy with people you like.

24. Everyone gets acne.

25. Don’t date the same person twice.

26. Be honest with your friends.

27. Pencils on the ground in the hallways are fair game.

28. Have good posture while sitting or your back will be fucked for life.

29. You will grow in the most uncomfortable ways.

30. You are always your first priority. Be kind to yourself. Remember that you are worthy of everything.

—  d.a.s
favorite 90's bands/groups

Bacon Street Boys
Salt and Pepper
Britney Pickle Spears
Spice Girls
Mmm’Sync
Food Fighters
The Smashing Pumpkin Pies
Tupacks. Of Ketchup
Vanilla Ice Cream
Rage Against the Claw Machine
Bell Peppers Biv Devoe
Marky Mark and the Funky Brunch
R. Jelly
Destiny’s Child Eats Free… On Tuesdays
Sugar Ray
Jane’s Bacon Addiction
Fjork
Biggie Small Drink
panCAKE

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