lifeofjasez

I don't have that much energy.

I don’t like half-assed. 
There’s 7 billion people in this world.

You’re either treated as if you’re in my life, or you’re not in my life. 
Pretty simple.

I’ll make the extra effort to remember you, miss you, to want to keep in touch and stay close.

But if you don’t bother and constantly expect me to… you got another thing coming.

I’m nice about it either way but there’s 7 billion other people in this world.
What makes you so special? 

I meet new people every single day.  
As much as I believe “everyone’s unique”, there’s so many people who are just “typical”. 

''of course you'll get so many admirers, you're like the perfect guy''

I guess a conversation struck me today that’s kinda keeping me awake I had with… a friend I guess.

I was explaining some stuff, how… guiltily I guess, I’m a total heart-breaker… and I do feel bad. Girls… like me… and… I don’t… in that way… x_x. =X. Why me?

And she just kinda went “of course you have so many admirers…!”

some girls go “you’re tall, you’re lean. Smart. Cute. Athletic, nice & funny. You even play the guitar and ’‘omgosh, your hair”.

things… girls say… especially younger. Aha. It’s out of character for me to be so popular…
When girls say that… I get speechless. Yes naturally I’m flattered but… =/. There are limits.
When you go to the words “perfect guy”. That’s crossing it.

Maybe it’s a pessimistic voice in my head.
Actually no.
The fact is, I’m anything but “perfect”. Please. Don’t call me that. Especially when you don’t know what you’re talking about.

I feel disgusted.
Only one person has said that and gotten away with it and me believing it at the time. And even that, I learned it was a lie.

Besides. If I was. maybe…

… maybe
Maybe you wouldn’t of left...
right?

=)…

The moment you convince me. The moment I’m yours. It’ll take more than words. Trust me.
Of course. The same vice verse with me and you ^_^…

08.16.11 - Got a goal: Driver's License.

I’ve taken an interesting initiative; one that I thought it’d be next to impossible for me to take.

I’m finally practicing/learning to drive.

To most guys, it’s no big deal.
For me - it’s probably one of the biggest challenges I’ll face.

Why’s that? You may ask.
Well you see, I’m an interesting case.

I have absolutely no interest at all in anything automotive.
Which is kinda ironic, since as I kid, I love playing with toy cars and would collect like hundreds.

Mitsubishi, Ferrari, w/e - they’re all the same to me. Honestly I see no beauty in the things my friends point out while we hang out in the middle of the road “OMGG FERRARI GT something something!”. Or when they talk of their dream cars - what kind of brand model #, how it’s better than that brand model #…

I’m just… not into that kind of stuff yenno? I’d listen but… I’ll probably get really bored. The only car I ever thought was cool was Bumblebee’s car - Camaro or something… just cuz it looks cool and is yellow xD.

In a way, I’m actually a bit scared of driving.
Little do people actually understand how dangerous car accidents are.
They are indeed VERY dangerous and is the cause of death of many.

even if your driving is 99 percent perfect. That 1 percent can lead to a death =/.

Scary to think right? But I guess I have my parents to drill that fact into me.

The only reason… I was able to get my Learners was… a certain someone motivated me. Otherwise I probably still wouldn’t of gotten it.
It was honestly hell going through the book - I totally didn’t want to do it.
Signs, rules all that crap was all new to me and stuff I had no interest in.
I was actually pretty happy when I got it… I mean back then I had pressure from her…

… It’s a little embarrassing isn’t it? I mean, girls can be like this - their bf’s can drive them around but… for a guy? aha - that’s our society for you.
How am you going to pick up your girlfriend? Friends would always tease me.

Jose started getting lessons so I was just like “*sigh*, it’s been a year. If I don’t take my road test soon, my Learner’s will expire and I’ll have to take the knowledge test again…” (it was like hell going through the book =/).
Might as well suck it up. Going to be a man xD.

I got a good instructor from a friend’s recommendation and voila. I’m 3 lessons in now… and I guess it’s not that bad. I’ve always had the ability to do anything I put my mind to… and even better when I have a 1 to 1 instructor.

I must say though it’s expensive =/ $32/hour. 2 hours per lesson.

My goals to get my license by October. Wish me luck? =)

So these came in the mail yesterday. I bought them for a sale plus a coupon I got from Fan Expo.

They’re pretty much the only things I’ve bought the past 4 months besides food and Guild Wars 2 (the digital download). I basically went “screw it” and bought it because I wanted a good pair for a long time and from trying the demo at Fan Expo, I was really sold. They’re really useful with the detachable mic and I love the external USB digital surround sound driver

I don’t know. I have trouble buying things for myself. I think I deserved them.

04.15.11 - Go Nuck's Go.

Its rare of me to miss a 13th of a month.

Guess I was way too tired this week to do anything. And if you want me to be honest, I didn’t really have any dark, emo drafts to post…

Well today was a little troublesome to get home since the Canuck’s won their second playoff game in a row. Skytrains were packed with fans, some drunk and celebrating… so yeah… it was a slightly awkward… got home at like 11:30 pm.

Friday’s are such long days for me eh? haha

In terms of badminton…

I’m still in a slump.

It’s kinda sad my racket strings broke again and my spare racket honestly… weighs as light as a feather (thus can’t hit).

Maybe my footwork got a little better… I don’t know…

Wow. 2 more weeks till IB exams. Fun fun.

Going to go all out I guess. Study study, cram cram… when I’m not feeling dead.

10.26.11 - I'm not gonna lie, My Class 7N road test is tomorrow...

and I’m nervous as fck.

I’ve practiced loads… and I should be okay in just about everything. I SHOULD be just fine but damn. I’m worried as X____X…
Things I’m worried about

  • Missing a school/playground sign by accident
  • Friggin shoulder checks
  • Going too wide/on the curb on my right turn
  • Changing lanes on a busy ass street
  • Parking near a fire-hydrant
  • I get nervous and mess up my parking
  • Making the decision to go pass the “point of no return” during yellow light and instructor (if douchebag) failing me because of it

They are just in the back of my head but… UGH.
I really hope I can pass but considering my non interest in cars… bleh.
//sigh// 

10.19.11 - "Technical Writing"

I’m working on my informative paper for my CMPT-105writing course right now and well, just thought I record a few thoughts.

I posted this on Facebook a while back, basically this was the first paper assignment from my Computing course.

I got 7/10. If you look at the paper - “There’s so much blood, it’s like a murder scene!” M.L. The problem was I wrote this paper like an English essay where in fact… I’m in a technical writing course. It became apparent that these two type of essays are completely different. 



I became the joke of the period being the person who wrote the most but got an average mark and most blood all over my paper. 


“Too much fluff, why are you stating this?”
“Unnecessary statement, erase!”
“Too much personal input”
“This is not an English Essay!x10”

Something that made me laugh really hard though.
When the T.A said to the class “Some of you are such AMAZING and wonderful writers. ~ *everyone stares at me and chuckles including the T.A*, HOWEVER. The problem is - this is NOT an English course. And you are not writing English papers. This is TECHNICAL WRITING. So unfortunately you have to write technically.’‘ 

Technical writing is composed of hardcore facts, facts, and more facts. No need for hook, no catchy creative opening, no controversial opinionated rhetorical questions, none of that.

Both our informative and persuasive paper will be a compilation of flowing facts (of which they’ll label a ’'paper”) with limited personal input.
To put it bluntly - you’re a robot basically paraphrasing statements of information that have already been stated.

Please tell me… What is the freakin point of that… 
You’re not learning to write. You’re learning to paraphrase… 

When you’re writing this… my friend says “You gotta devoid yourself of all emotion”. That made me laugh.

IB english HL, you’ve failed me in Computing science essays haha.

10.13.11 - It finally hit me today.

Well.

It wasn’t me who recognized it.
I guess one of my new friends just noticed how down I was.
The simple “You okay?”

I replied with my my typical “ /sigh/, little down I guess…” reply.

It’s true. I’ve been a little down.

My eyes look a little lifeless and my bangs have grown long enough to completely covering them. I mean. It’s like the typical depressed anime character in a show right?
Oh wait.
This isn’t an anime show?
So I am down and depressed?

Oh brother.

Well, he starts off. “it’s different huh? And I guess it’s a little depressing for all of us. Even for you… coming out of IB and still having the same troubles as all of us eh?”.

You know I never really thought of it until he brought it up.
I guess in a way, it would effect me subconsciously wouldn’t it?

I was never the “snob” to think I’d have any advantage over my classmates in uni just because of the fact I took IB.
I explained how it wasn’t really a big deal or title I carry.
Hell, I don’t even consider myself an IB student… considering the circumstances.

It is however maybe I guess… embarrassing to admit that academic wise… - it hasn’t really effected me in Uni so far.

Like on Facebook, I posted my first uni essay - it came back covered in red. It was the class joke for that period… how the teacher stated how some of us write brilliantly but this isn’t an English course - it’s a computing science technical writing course. It was pretty entertaining… other than the fact I didn’t get as good of a mark as I wanted… (7/10… above average?).

Anyhow. Yeah.
Just thoughts.

I explained how academic-wise I was probably the worst student in that IB class…
how I really was just “emo” and “stress invitingly” enough to hand in the application and somehow miraculously got in and decided to stick with it.

I remember the emotions I felt last year.
I’m not mathematicly smart. I’m not a good writer. Hell the stuff I’m good at have no future…. I didn’t belong, how I didn’t fit in.
How… …
Oh wait.
Didn’t I receive that IB spirit award?… /sigh/

Contradiction after contradiction. Just… let me sleep. Please.
I’m lost. Well I guess I’m just down.

Today’s the 13th isn’t it? I haven’t posted something like this in so long.

My manager from my IT job more or less requested me back for the Summer.I couldn’t really say no. Especially when I feel “needed” or when I’m “helpful”.

Going to be working probably 55 hours a week in the Summer.
That way, demons will be quiet for most of my Summer, hopefully.

“You’re crazy.” My friends all say.

Yeah. I guess I am.

I got the job.

Only one out of the 250 applicants receive it apparently. For me, it was on the spot too where they offered me the contract.
Yours truly signed it without any second guess.

I don’t care if people think I can’t do it. It’s full of stress and it’s a bit over my head given my age.

It doesn’t mean anything to me =).

I know my limits. I know what I can and cannot do.

If people can’t see that, it’s their problem. 
As much as I love being proven wrong, I love proving other people wrong just as much.

For the next 4 months, I’m the franchise owner of the Student Work’s Painting Company in Surrey =) 

Official Qualifications and Degree: None
Initial budget: 0
Clients: 0
Ambition to succeed: Over 9000. 

I really like white bread

I mean, I’ll eat whole-wheat or multi-grain or w/e but I like plain white bread.

I’m not stupid.
I know it’s apparently nothing. No nutrients, no vitamins, yata yata.

When I eat like sandwiches, everyone nowadays always comment
“Switch to grain” - and immediately go into the assumption I’m unhealthy.

Even those who know me… which is irritating. 

I don’t eat more than half the junk-food out there in the world. I never drank bubble-tea before in my life, never ate gum, never ate like any of the candies out there.
Burgers, fries? Forget it.

It’s just bread =_=. It’s not poison either.
You can’t die of white bread. So haters piss off.

*____* 

It’s no big deal. I just like it. 

So the day wasn’t a very good day.
I woke up with my alarm from a deep sleep and I felt horrible.

I had two final exams back to back.
My first one went okay. I did all I could, I hope I did alright.
The next one is a little more emotional for me personally.

I had no idea what I was doing for the most part of it. It was ridiculous.
I took Astronomy as a fun elective that I needed credits for. My peers, each and everyone of them said it was interesting and ‘’easy’’. In terms of studying, each and everyone had the same message of study through assignments and practice questions. Obviously this is the semester where the professor would just change the final format as a whole. I don’t know. I’d fine if it’s different, this was on par with one of the hardest exams I’ve taken in university, for a 1st year elective course.

It feels completely horrible to walk into a final doing decently well and then come out of the exam with it feeling like you’re going to drop to maybe just a minimum pass. I feel cursed. I feel horrible. My grades ever since I’ve started university has always been below average, and I’ve been trying to do my best to increase it. I don’t want to blame it on luck, but. I don’t know. It kinda is bad luck. The worst kind. I felt sick during the commute home.

I got depressed. Fuck school. Or “fuck me”. “Am I just fucking stupid?” That kind of mentality where I felt useless.

And then, I had friends.
The moment my exams were done, I had a bunch of friends texting or messaging me how things went. For one, I was flattered they remembered. For another, I felt special they took time to ask me given how they had exams themselves to study for. When I told them, they tried to cheer me up in their own ways.. 
I felt better. I don’t know. I’m lucky. 

“Don’t worry about your grades. You outshine everyone else with your other aspects. Thanks for being an amazing friend.“

Things like that. If you’re one of them and reading this, your attention and words mean more than me than you’d ever know.

I don’t know if I’m okay or not. I haven’t been feeling much of anything. With the end of school, I’ve been sleeping if not working, and if not doing any of those, I’ve been reading/watching things or just going on Guild Wars with my friends who’ve been playing very frequent now that the semester’s over.

I can say how I’ve been clean for 2 weeks with nothing new on my arms.

Last Wednesday, I played drop-in 5-on-5 basketball just for the fun of it. It was alright, nothing amazing. Basketball has a lot of running from court to court and well, I noticed how I tasted blood in my mouth. It made me feel a bit sick but it’s fine now.

Work at IT isn’t bad. The best part isn’t the actual job, but the people I work with. I more or less have a brother figure now who’s really helps me try to be the best I can be with a lot of things and I’m really grateful for that. There’s also a full-timer there also really motivates me and makes me feel really good when I do well.

From childhood till now, my parents never were the praise and compliment types thus genuine praise and flattery will get you everything with me.

Work at the community center is fine as well. There’s these new group of 5-9 year olds who really gotten attached to me. A few of the girls and boys clung onto me last shift and wouldn’t let go even though they needed to go. When I kneeled down, one of the energetic girls tried to kiss my cheek and I had to dodge it.” Another youth age group just enjoys my company and talking with me, would do things like get food for me. Stuff like that is flattering. It’s sad that next week will be my last day probably for the summer period since I’m working full-time for Samsung.

I don’t know what’s up. What I’m doing. I feel okay at work and that’s why I work so much. It’s the closest thing I got to “feeling good”. When I’m not working, I don’t know what to do to make me feel better. Feeling as lost as I do really sucks. 

I’m just doing what I can. Hopefully something comes up.

05.01.15

Emotional night for my last day at my community center job.
Had a bit of an adventure which led to me only arriving home right now at 1:00am.

I’m feeling all sorts of feelings right now.

I’m rather impressed and flattered by the response of so many of my kids at the program. Many wished me well and good luck. Even some of the particular ones who are silent and don’t talk at all, they came up to me and thanked me for doing what I do.

Had a bunch of hilarious responses to start out:

“NOOOO I don’t want you to leaveeeee.”
“Are you going to break the Bank working at Samsung. How much are you making?”
“Why Samsung. Why not Apple?”
“Can you get me a new Phone?”

It really made me laugh. A bunch of them hugged me and wouldn’t let go saying I have to come back or visit. I gave a bunch of the girls and boys a “big brother hand to forehead” hug saying they can always message me if they ever need anything. 


Many props, fistbumps and handshakes that went around. I keep saying “don’t miss me too much =)” and I always get the opposite response. When they say they’ll miss me, it feels, genuine. I don’t know. I felt really sad. Many of them really seem to like me. Like a lot. So many of them commute and stay late just to hang out with me a bit longer.

I hate goodbyes. I probably will be back in September. This job is one of the only things that make me feel good about myself.

Purple.

Today was the highest record in terms of people noticing. Then again, I was wearing this at work and thus a lot of the youths commented on “why I’m so dressed up”.

In class, I was apparently very bright to my friends sitting next to me.

“Don’t get used to it.” I said.

I want a punching bag.

I’ve been going down to the basement every night during the time before bed/after-dinner. I would play with weights, jump-rope and do a combination of footwork exercises. I also got into kenpo, following these videos I’ve downloaded, doing them while holding weights. I would do all these things while watching shows.

I want to play more badminton. I’m excited to actually. I really want to show my friends how strong I am. 

First, cure the body, the mind will follow right?

07.12.11 - Explorin' the city... more-so rec centres

Ever since I moved here, I never really had the chance to see the neighbourhood outside of surrey central/king george area.

Recently I was able to sign up for a Leisure Access Pass thus giving me apparently unlimited drop-in, admission to any Recreation Centre in Surrey for a whole year. I could go swimming, drop-in any sport session in the gym, or work out in the weight room. Pretty sweet I must say ~

I’m not exactly in the best mood… especially after yesterday. I tried to get my mind off it by looking in almost every rec centre and looked for all their badminton sessions.

I went to Chuck Bailey today. It was exciting yenno? It’s nostalgic too, going into a new gymnasium. You’re the “mysterious stranger player” that no one knows. I was excited to finally go into a drop-in rather than managing one like I always do at Strath.  

It’s not like the clear one giant gyms in richmond, just a regular one where you can actually meet/talk to people.

Its funny. The moment I walked in, no one really cared.
I nicely asked a middle-aged lady to “warm up” with me. And well, as we rallied we talked a bit and stuff - where I was from.
In the beginning I went “go easy on me xD, I’m not that strong of a player”.

After we rallied, she just basically went “omg, stop playing with me - go play with the pros!”
She wasn’t really good skill wise but for her age - aha, she was okay xD. I could be such a respectable player (hitting it high, clapping when she does a good hit, aiming for her only). I guess she noticed it…

When we sat down cuz she got tired, she got everyone’s attention in the gym and went “Hello everyone! This is Jason, he is new here from Vancouver! He needs a court and a buddy to play with!”

I was so red. Aha, she’s a nice lady but that was just embarassing~ I just thanked her but I did the “its okay” signs with my hands (waving it back in forth saying no).

I made some new friends? Maybe I dont know… they were all impressed at my skills… they thought I played club and what not.

After playing for 2 hours. I learned I was the youngest there. Everyone else was either college students or adults.
To be honest, even though I lost a few matches (we always played doubles) - I was… probably the most skilled player in the gym… and its totally easily recognizable, I mean like I was coaching the partner I was with x_x and totally dominating rallies…

To be able to walk into a new place as the “new guy” thinking you’re the worst in terms of skilland walk out as probably the best player, impressing everyone… its an interesting feeling.

… I thought I quit badminton. But I guess it really is who I am eh?

Guess I had fun letting out steam. Next Rec centre is Guildford!