recoveryxone said:

Happy Halloween!

"Okay, but hear me out: we buy the candy, turn all the lights off so it looks like we’re not home, and then eat all the candy alone in the dark and forget about the trick-or-treaters. And then maybe we make out a little, too; you know, since we’ll be alone in the dark and everything anyway.”


When will you cease running, in search of hollow meaning?

One night, I was so down and lost. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore and I keep on asking who I really am and what’s the purpose of everything. Are we really measured by how many friends we make or how many parties we’re invited to or how many boys we’ve kissed or how many people liked what we post? I despise the thought of humanity being that shallow.

But that’s what matters nowadays to people, well maybe not all but a lot of them. It’s hard to keep up with a generation with different goals and standard as yours. It’s hard, because you might think you’re living your life fine but looking at yourself through other people’s eyes, you’re a loser.

I really believe that there’s so much more, something much deeper, for our existence. Having fun and making unbreakable bonds with people is good and it makes you happy. But what would it really take to fill up your heart and soul, and live a meaningful life to the fullest?

These were my thoughts last Sunday before entering the church to attend mass. For those of you who don’t recognize the title of this post, it’s a part of a church song, In Him Alone. Here’s the rest of the song that shook the ground beneath me:

Can the world ever satisfy
The emptiness in our hearts
In vain we deny

When will you cease running
In search of hollow meaning
Let His love feed the hunger
In your soul till it overflows
With joy you yearn to know

The reason why I love going to church so much is because He always surprise me with His words. It never fails to uplift my spirit and to remove all the questions and doubts. What happened to me that Sunday felt beyond anything else I’ve ever felt. It felt like someone was cutting or squeezing my heart that made it so hard to breathe, pouring everything’s inside, disappointments, doubts, loneliness, longing, sadness. And as each one pours out, you feel the intensity of each one of them, realizing how much of it you’re carrying, and then poof. They’re gone just like that. I am beyond grateful to Him for everything that He’s doing to keep me alive, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I am so lost, it was nothing like what I’ve felt before, I was so lost like dying, losing sight of life, and longing for things that I’m not even sure would keep me alive. Longing for what it truly means to live, to know what to do to make sense of life, to be alive. He knows what I was feeling, He knows how much of it I can’t take anymore, He knows what was happening to me even if I myself doesn’t understand the phase I’m going through, and He helped me. He picked up the pieces of what’s left in me, built a stronger goal/direction, whispered me to continue - continue fighting, living.

In the eyes of a human, covered with the world’s grandest gifts and offers, material things or not, it’s hard to keep track of what it means to live. But we can never be filled by anything of this world. We can be happy, yes, but for how long? What does it truly mean to live? What makes us full as a human? What would fill up our hearts and souls? It’s only in Him, and it will always be in Him alone. In God, you will be filled, you will be happy. In his words, in his commandments, in his teachings, lies the ultimate meaning of this life. I have yet to discover it, it’s a journey given to us to be completed everyday in our lives. It’s what we’re here for, to learn, to understand and to live life through Him and in Him alone.

Dear future me,

If I’m perfectly honest, I’m terrified to think that there’s a future for me. Sometimes when I open my eyes in the morning, the thought of going through only one day feels unbearable — and I ask myself what about those other months, other years? For many times, I have been so sure that I am not able to go on. Still, here I am.

I’m not sure how many years I’ll be able to go on. If you’ll ever reach this letter, I hope you’re old and in good health.

I have spent a lot of time to be thinking is it possible to completely heal. The thought is on my mind when I cry myself to sleep and even during those days when my thoughts are lighter and I’m able to smile to the strangers. I’m again in the verge of thinking that I’ll not get better anymore — I feel like dear Virginia: “I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time.” The fact that I have been sad almost all of my life hasn’t given me hope. I have lived in the light and then went back to darkness. I have a strong faith that I was born as a melancholic person and will always be one. The feelings will always be too big for me. I just have to find the strength to go on and not drown.

Today I feel lighter than usual, though, and I even think that there might be a little light for me. So, I’m going to write to you, dear future me, like I would believe that I have faith on you.

So, dear Petra, I hope you are living the dream that you thought you would be living — even a little bit of that dream. I hope you will have those moments that you have written in those many letters you have been written to people that are dear to you. Maybe you’re living in Paris in a little apartment full of books and maybe you have a tiny balcony where you drink your morning tea. Or maybe a cottage with enormous garden in the countryside in England with someone dear like Virginia had. I hope you’ll have an opportunity to work in a cute bookstore and a cafe. I hope the lovely souls that you have your life now are still in your life and that you have had the chance to hold their hand and whisper your heart desires to their ears. Remember to be ever creating, reading, writing, loving, touching plants… Remember to care and love passionately. Remember to cry, experience, feel and fall in love. 

When the bad times hit, remember to breathe. There’s people who love, care and have put faith on you and you shouldn’t disappoint them. Please please please please keep living and never give up.




Writing is all that i can do now to relieve these feeling. It came back again. I’m sorry. I tried. You have no idea how hard I tried. But I guess you can’t refrain yourself from longing the presence of someone. No, don’t get me wrong.. When I said I miss you, it doesn’t mean I want you back. I honestly believe I’m better off without you. I just miss the memories we had. Though it was just a period of time.. and it’s been quite a while now, but there’s just something about it. If it isn’t that wonderful, then longing for it wouldn’t give me these much pain, right? I was listening to one of the songs by Dygta just now, I shouldn’t played it on repeat.Um.. Its been almost 5 years now since you left. Can you imagine that? 5 years and I’m still a pathetic heartbroken loser. What the fuck is wrong with me? I kept on convincing myself that I will someday be fine, yet I’m still tied to the hopes of yesterday. How I wish we are able to remove unnecessary memories just like in the movie “Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind”. I mean.. That should be possible and available by this time. Hmmm.. This is ridiculous. I wonder how you’re doing now. I hope you’re doing fine there. I don’t think I’ve ever crossed your mind anymore. I don’t think I’m still in any part of you. That’s okay. I miss you.

I know you said I ought to learn to love myself before I tried to spend my pretty love-coins on anyone else. And I know you were right. I think you were right, too, when you said I don’t know what love is.

Neither of us said it, but we both know it has to do with my father, and his never being there is why I am satisfied with so little, because all anyone has to do for me is just be there. A presence, which takes so little effort, yet to me it means everything, EVERYTHING, and that is why it is so easy to hurt me.

You were right about everything and I’m sorry, because I’ve found someone who is here and I didn’t mean to but I’m sort of happy for the first time in months.

I know it’s not a cure. I know it’s a band-aid, a distraction, a relapse. But you’re not here either, and you haven’t answered your phone since July. I am every bit as weak as you were afraid i would be, and I don’t know how to not be without you.

I know you won’t ever see this. I just wanted to bleed it anyway, from my soul to my breath to my cramping hands to my pen to the page in hope that somehow some words might escape and one night you might dream of words like love-coins or sorry, sorry or EVERYTHING or July or relapse, and a part of you will know it’s me. In the morning I will run my fingers over the spaces where I was sure I’d written words, and I’ll ponder how they managed to escape. But mostly I’ll just hope they find their way to you. Because you were right.

—  Oil spill

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