One night, I was so down and lost. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore and I keep on asking who I really am and what’s the purpose of everything. Are we really measured by how many friends we make or how many parties we’re invited to or how many boys we’ve kissed or how many people liked what we post? I despise the thought of humanity being that shallow.
But that’s what matters nowadays to people, well maybe not all but a lot of them. It’s hard to keep up with a generation with different goals and standard as yours. It’s hard, because you might think you’re living your life fine but looking at yourself through other people’s eyes, you’re a loser.
I really believe that there’s so much more, something much deeper, for our existence. Having fun and making unbreakable bonds with people is good and it makes you happy. But what would it really take to fill up your heart and soul, and live a meaningful life to the fullest?
These were my thoughts last Sunday before entering the church to attend mass. For those of you who don’t recognize the title of this post, it’s a part of a church song, In Him Alone. Here’s the rest of the song that shook the ground beneath me:
Can the world ever satisfy
The emptiness in our hearts
In vain we deny
When will you cease running
In search of hollow meaning
Let His love feed the hunger
In your soul till it overflows
With joy you yearn to know
The reason why I love going to church so much is because He always surprise me with His words. It never fails to uplift my spirit and to remove all the questions and doubts. What happened to me that Sunday felt beyond anything else I’ve ever felt. It felt like someone was cutting or squeezing my heart that made it so hard to breathe, pouring everything’s inside, disappointments, doubts, loneliness, longing, sadness. And as each one pours out, you feel the intensity of each one of them, realizing how much of it you’re carrying, and then poof. They’re gone just like that. I am beyond grateful to Him for everything that He’s doing to keep me alive, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I am so lost, it was nothing like what I’ve felt before, I was so lost like dying, losing sight of life, and longing for things that I’m not even sure would keep me alive. Longing for what it truly means to live, to know what to do to make sense of life, to be alive. He knows what I was feeling, He knows how much of it I can’t take anymore, He knows what was happening to me even if I myself doesn’t understand the phase I’m going through, and He helped me. He picked up the pieces of what’s left in me, built a stronger goal/direction, whispered me to continue - continue fighting, living.
In the eyes of a human, covered with the world’s grandest gifts and offers, material things or not, it’s hard to keep track of what it means to live. But we can never be filled by anything of this world. We can be happy, yes, but for how long? What does it truly mean to live? What makes us full as a human? What would fill up our hearts and souls? It’s only in Him, and it will always be in Him alone. In God, you will be filled, you will be happy. In his words, in his commandments, in his teachings, lies the ultimate meaning of this life. I have yet to discover it, it’s a journey given to us to be completed everyday in our lives. It’s what we’re here for, to learn, to understand and to live life through Him and in Him alone.