laywered

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

6

As the birth mother is deceased, and no father or other relative has come forward, I officially declare Noah Porter an orphan and ward of the state of New York. He shall continue to be cared for in an A.C.S. Facility f… Unless… Sergeant Benson, you rescued the infant, isn’t that right?

Yes, your honor.

And you’re the only one who’s taken a consistent interest on his behalf. Is there any chance you might like to become a foster mother to this baby?

I’m sorry. Excuse me, your honor?

I have a feeling about this, Sergeant Benson. Call it a judge’s hunch. If you agree, I will order Noah Porter into your care as custodial parent for one year, at which time you will be given the option to permanently adopt him.

Spring Awakening (Law & Order : SVU - 15.24)

5

For the Axiom lawyers determined to prove they’re not boring barristers, 8,700 square feet inside a landmarked New York building seemed an unlikely choice. BHDM Design reconciled the incongruities by retaining original architectural details, but painting them glossy white. The firm then installed an 8-foot-long shark in Axiom-orange fiberglass over reception’s Astroturf rug and symmetrically assembled straightforward workstations beneath [existing] skylights. The café boasts retractable bleachers reclaimed from a school gym. An edgy mix of mid-century and contemporary furnish meeting areas, i.e. “living rooms.” Clearly, we’re not in high court anymore.

noslowsongs asked:

tumblr blackout?

Everyone’s getting super butt-hurt by David Karp and the tumblr team. Missing E is no longer available for new downloads, ask box features have been modified, and everyone’s crying about it because they’re children and don’t understand how things work. 

MYTH: Anyone using Missing E will be banned and Karp changed the ask box functions because he was jealous how others are so way more popular than him also he eats puppies.

FACT: Missing E did not abide by Tumblr’s API rules. I love Missing E to death and will continue to use it, but if it didn’t follow the rules, it didn’t follow the rules, and Tumblr has every right to shut that shit down. As it is, anyone who still has Missing E installed (like moi) will not be banned. Tumblr never said they would; in fact, they’ve said multiple times that they will not ban users or force an uninstall. So anyone who’s saying that and freaking out and blacking-out because of that is just an idiot.

Anyone else notice that since the ask box features were modified, there have been fewer spam bots? I haven’t gotten any spam since. So I’m not going to complain. It’s a little annoying but Karp is right, tumblr was never meant to be a substitute for e-mail/chat/skype. 

It’s undetermined if he eats puppies or not. 

BASICALLY, the people who are doing a blackout—aka, 24 hours of no posting because this is apparently going to make a difference to Karp—are all the young teens who post hipster pictures and fancy themselves ~photographers~ and ~poets~ and ~super emotional~ all the time. They contribute little original content and are the reason that tumblr doesn’t work half the time. I’ll fully enjoy 24 hours without them clogging up my blogging outlet with their insane reblogging.

emptylogic asked:

tag update + lawyers? I've started a law school and I need some kind of sterek boost ;)

Pleasure and Profit by buttsbeyondbutts (9/? | 19,372 | Rated E)

In which sometimes Derek Hale needs his assistant to come over, tie him up and beat the shit out of him so he can go to sleep.

In which Stiles Stilinski is more than happy to help his boss relax so he can get back to putting bad guys in prison.

In which they’re building a case against Gerard Argent, Beacon Hills’ Al Capone, and things get dangerous.

Unprofessional by Sagasimon (complete | 3,101 | NR)

"You took me off the case!!!"

Derek couldn’t say he didn’t expect it but he hoped for at least few more hours to mentally prepare for the hurricane that was Stiles Stilinski. So when his office door banged open at 7:33am, while he was still going through his first coffee of the day, it made him jump and slosh the hot liquid all over his fingers.

With the City Below by frek, sova (complete | 2,062 | Rated T)

Okay so maybe it’s a post case celebration. It’s the first case Derek let Stiles take the lead on and he had won and Derek couldn’t be more proud. (Suits inspired lawyer AU)

Studmuffin by nashirah (complete | 775 | Rated T)

It’s not a secret that Stiles Stilinski hates Derek Hale and Derek hates him back.

9

Lookbook: Spring / Summer 2015

Designer: Duro Olowu
Photo: Luis Monteiro
Model: Kinee Diouf

I really love the spring/summer collection of British designer Duro Olowu. Did you know that he is a lawyer…In October 2004, he launched his first self-titled women’s wear label with a collection for Spring/ Summer 2005.

Click here for more images of his collection:
www.facebook.com/frolicious

www.frolicious.de

FROLICIOUS - Be You
Embracing and celebrating African Urban Lifestyle

Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/Frolicious
Instagram:http://instagram.com/befrolicious
Twitter:http://www.twitter.com/befrolicious
Pinterest:http://www.pinterest.com/befrolicious

As of today, I am a solicitor.

I had my admission ceremony today, and so I am officially on the role of solicitors and able to practice law in NSW. 

It’s quite scary really. I feel like a child playing grown up games. I am sure I will get used to it. I am sure that this is how everyone feels at first. 

But aside from that, I cannot help but think how blessed I am. I have completed a degree, a graduate diploma, gotten admitted, gotten a job, gotten married, and have an amazing life all by 22. What’s more is that my husband is my best friend (and just amazing), my job is more than I ever hoped for at this point in time, my sister is healthy, and everything is just awesome. 

I never imagined that my life would turn out as wonderfully as it has, and it’s only just the beginning. 

Watch on idontwantpeopletoknowwhoiam.tumblr.com

30 DAY HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER CHALLENGE

Day 14- Favorite HIMYM tradition: LAWYERED!!

1. Because i do this all the time. I will just find a detail of a friends story that doesn’t work and point it out to them. I mostly use it against my brother when hes being annoying.

2. Marshall is an awesome Lawyer and its cool they bring his profession in the group in such a humourist way 

harreehloueeh asked:

OMG your manip of Louis god. Thanks cause now i want an AU with Harry and Louis in prison shit. I WANT IT NOW fuck

harreehloueeh said:Louis is in prison and Harry his Lawer OMG i have so much scenes in my mind. Thanks to you for that fuck!


SHIIIT I Knoooooow, I know I know! I’ve prompted this several times, but no one is catching on. Either both in prison or laywer!Harry yes, I’m digging it! C’mon my writer friends, take the bait;)