lauranon said:

hi, i saw in some of your personal posts that you have PCOS, i was diagnosed a few weeks ago and i'm so happy i stumbled upon your tumblr. seeing how much progress you've made is incredible, you inspire me to not let PCOS control my life!

Thank you! And yes! If there is anything I could tell people with PCOS, it would be that you can control it and kick its ass. Ever since I’ve lost weight my symptoms of PCOS have subsided greatly. I’m not cramping nearly as much as I used too, I have a lot more energy, my hair has thickened up. You might have a harder time losing weight and it might take you longer to see results than someone who doesn’t have it, but of you chug along and eat healthy with low GI foods and even move your rear end a little more than you used too, you will see the results. I wish you the best!

Back to the grind..

Put pen to paper, slam fingers on keyboard or scream it out loud; regardless of the medium, I’m in a war with my head and I need to let it out.  These thoughts pound in my head and burn like scars until they are set free. I’m struggling to keep my head above water and the longer I stay here treading and ignoring it, the harder I will sink without any help. 

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Coming to grips

I am not a perfect person.  I am flawed, deeply at best, but on the surface I am holding things together pretty fine.  I have learned to love these flaws and mistakes.  It is what makes me, well, unique as horribly cliche as that sounds.  But, here is an homage to me.

I forget to turn my phone on, I make cheesy jokes, I flirt horribly and obviously.  I spill things on myself, I snort when I laugh.  I make movie references that only my mom understands most of the time.  I have bad taste in music and would rather stay in any night of the week.  I have a temper, but I love fiercely and passionately.  I worry, but it is only because I care too damn much.  I micromanage, but that is a horrible side effect of thinking hyper-effectively.  I bite my nails and dream far out of my reach.  But, I’m real.  I have stopped pretending to be who I am not and slowly slipped into my own skin.  You cannot force comfort. 

But this is me.  I’m 22, single, moving 550 miles away from home in two weeks.  I just broke up with the only person I could ever have seen myself marrying and I am falling desperately in love with every passing glance from a stranger. I am too caring for my own damn good, and this is the time in my life to DO and act for myself.

I am appreciative of the time that I have, be it spent sleeping, reading, wasted (not drunkenly, but that doesn’t hurt either) or out exploring and being spontaneous.  I need to let go of the little things.  I imagine the little worries in life as splinters.  If you try and hold onto a sharp sliver of wood, it will pierce your skin and slip into layers it never knew existed and become embedded in you; you can pick at it and get most of it out but the harder you hold onto it, the deeper it gets.  It will become infected and cause you more pain than it is worth.  

I guess nothing is really private.   

Thanks IP tracker; shout out to my roommates if you’re reading this, wasn’t too hard to figure out who’s been on here recently.

Thoughts spill here like my blood onto the floor.  My words are the razor my wrists yearn for.  My clean slate here is tarnished with wandering eyes.  Farewell to solace, my calm tranquil safe place.  Tainted is every move you make.  How dare my words be used against me.  I will no longer feel safe or have my own safety net.  The ties have been cut, the rope is not secure.  When I jump, I can no longer land here.  Face first I am crashing at a thousand miles an hour.  I have lost myself.  Deeper and deeper into myself I will go.  Farewell, sweet innocence.  Hello, old past.  Ripe with pain and familiar aches, my mind will go numb.  Sinking slowly back into the blackness which I had defeated.  I am lost.  I have lost.  I am no longer to be found. 


so, in recent news.

1. i bought a violin. it’s pretty nifty, i miss my viola but this is a new and screechy experience. fuq dat e string. i can still read music and have retained knowledge of treble clef from when i was 9. i named my violin lottie, because it’s little.

2. i look like my sister thattrackgirl when i push my nose up. also, i curled my hair today and it didn’t fall out in .4 seconds.

3. that is all, life in raleigh is bumming me out right now. 

this feels like a livejournal entry circa 2005. when did i become 16 and awkward again?

league of legends servers  have been down ALL FUCKING DAY -_-

i’m so fucking bored, this is driving me nuts.

all i wanna do is sit in my room and play stupid computer games.

anyone want to add me? eatmycakeout